lookingup wrote:

---

My daughter has been trying to contact me over the internet but I've been ignoring.her her hubby wsent military 7years ago daughter was all for it with 2 babies they now have 3 children they were all I had and were my world long distance relationships just don't work goodmy daughters and hubby decision to stay in military has cheated me out of having an relationship with any of my grandchildren I feel I've been cheated of grandmother,I don't even want or care to talk to  my daughter,this just hurts way to much and for way too many years of this nonsense they can get out of it if they want.

 

---

 So daughter and hubby are in military, why is that "nonsense"???   NOW she is trying to contact you and you ignore??  why??? punishement for her and hubby living their lives as they see fit????  I am not sure I understand....

when do our kids owe us anything???? if they were all you had, why not make a new life like i did???   My D#1 is in MD...God knows when i will see her and SHE has a son who hardly knows me and never bonded w/me b/c of the distance....so??? I accept it and have made my own life....do my own thing...work my program....make friends reaching out, doing stuff outside of family.....

daughter #2 is abusive, cruel and toxic for me so i had to cut her loose...put distance....my grandkids live next door and they don't "like me" anymore becuz i don't have constant $$ to spend on them.....at least your kid wants to contact you...one of mine hates me for who knows what reason and her kids think of me as a year round santa....but OH...D#2's drunken, absentee dad gets her love...so ok...I accepted it and let go.....

NOW  what am i doing???  i am taking care of me......I am resonsibile for my own happiness....I am responsible for my own life.....not my kids...not my friends but ME....so what am i doing???  this NY eve, I wlll be next door w/my dear dear friends.....NY day, I will go across the street to another dear friends house and then to my fitness club for a work out and a swim.......soon i will be hearing from the animal shelter to do volunteer work with the animals...

I think your daughter is trying to keep contact with you when she has to know you are peeved at her choice.........and what nonsense is there about being in the military??? Maybe hubby wants to serve his country....I respect him for wanting to keep folks like me safe......

our kids , we DONT own them.....we don't have a "carte blanche" on their lives and activities when they reach age 18.....they make their own lives.....Maybe my Daughter #1  calls me and skypes me all the time b/c I DONT" make her feel I own her or that she is responsible for MY happiness....MY happiness is MY job...NOT hers.....

I understand..its tough being apart from the kids...I adore my beloved girl #1, i miss her but never  never  never would i make her feel badly or wrong for moving to MD and away from me....she has a wonderful hubby, whom I call my boy!! i never say SIL re: him...he is my SON....I love him to death and if MD is where they are best??? then i am glad for them......my girl is a mama's girl and i know she misses me and we make do with what we got.......telephone...skype....texting pics..... we make it work

if daughter #2 got into acoa and got some help and wanted to make amends w/me...I would not ignore her...I would hear her out....i wold have an open mind....i would, yes, put her on probation, but I would not "diss" her attempts to contact me and she ABUSED ME......she wold have to show me she is in aca and working program, but i would not diss her attempts to talk w/me.....

The kids have a right to what life they deem necessary for their pusuit of life, liberty and happiness.....as for you, why not try alanon???  why not get into meetings and get to know some alanons who might have stuff in common????   why not assess what your likes are and do some kind of service work, or PT job,  (dunno your situation) but there is PLENTY of stuff you can do to have a full and love filled life.

grandkids are not gonna 4get you...they know who you are, but if I were you, I would keep those loving lines open,  be open to daughter and make the best of it......

I urge you to get into program and work on you and get involved in making a life for you and the healthier you get, trust me, the happier your life can be.....

I see you love her, but i also see bitterness and resentment and I think it is perhaps you feel like the kids "owe" you something......remember that unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments....we only resent becuz we *expected"something that was just not realistic or fair or healthy......OR like my daughter #2, she is , right now, just incapable of being a healthy , respectful , nice to be around kid....So i had to lop off my deserving, yet unrealistic expectations of her being respecting to me and let it go....let her go to work her own stuff out.....

JUST saying...please take what works and leave the rest......

 

I know you'll get over it because you're being honest about how you're thinking and feeling right now. I can see your disappointment and I can also see why you might not want to talk with your daughter right now. Letting her know you are feeling disappointed and too down to talk right now but you will e-mail or call her when you're in a better frame of mind might be beneficial to you and to her for a day or two? I'm 65 and there are still times when I want something to happen that doesn't happen and I stew. I don't want to stay there, but I do
have to be where I am when I'm there. (((L)))

I can hear how hurt and sad you are that your daughter is not living her life the way you think she should. Neshema reminded me of one of my favorite sayings in the program...an expectation is a premeditated resentment. I will never have grandchildren because all of my children died childless. Do I have a resentment about this? YOU BETCHA! But what my HP has shown me is that there are lots and lots of kids out there who would be thrilled to have me as their "grandma." As long as I'm feeling woebegone or angry at the reality of my life's circumstances, the fewer opportunities I have to bring kindness, compassion and love into my life. My life has always been challenging, mostly for reasons I have no control over. But I have learned in the program that the only limitations on the amount of love in my life are the ones I create myself. When I feel most deprived is when I usually have a gratitude list longer than I can ever get to the end of. God will always bless me far greater than I would bless myself if it was up to me to make the list. If nothing else, my gratitude list keeps my mind busy long enough that I "forget" my resentments. Please keep coming back. Find as many meetings as you can. Get a sponsor. Read your daily readers and most of all, be easy on yourself. We are our own harshest critics so the alcoholics rarely can find a nerve I haven't 'twanged' a thousand times. Just keep reading and talking and you will find your way to a better place.

Than for all your replies guess I am sitting on my pity pot,I hope I'm over this hurt stage before long,I hate being like this ,but I'll be OK,one day at a time,small steps,and any more slogans anybody here knows will be so welcome.try for hearing me vent again. hugs chinup

lookingup wrote:

---

Than for all your replies guess I am sitting on my pity pot,I hope I'm over this hurt stage before long,I hate being like this ,but I'll be OK,one day at a time,small steps,and any more slogans anybody here knows will be so welcome.try for hearing me vent again. hugs chinup

---

 Hey Looking....I certainly have sat on that ole pot many times but ya know???  I get up...do something for me...anything and  the big ole grateful list.............here are those slogans you asked for..........got this out of my "collection"    thank you for asking for them..........I LOVE it when somebody shows they WANT help.....we humans CAN be better if we reach out for it.....I always say  about me, my life, my circumstances......I CAN   I CAN    things CAN be better because I am getting better,   etc......OK...the slogans.

 

*******************************

 

I went from paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude.

 

"Place me where you want me and tell me what to do".

 

 

You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.

 

 

Let Go and Let God

 

 

S-save 

M-mother

O-obsess

O-own

T-take abuse

H-HP (be his or let him be your tin God)

E-expect

R-react

 

 

One Day at a Time

 

 

Easy Does It

 

 

He/She will either drink, or he/she won't.... what are YOU gonna do?

 

 

 

Try looking at your active A with a large SSS stamped on their forehead

 

 

 

Focus on the "whats", not the "whys" - the whys will kill ya...

 

 

 

Honesty got you there, tolerance keeps you there

 

 

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Suess

 

 

 

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

 

 

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Think,Don't React

 

 

 

How Important Is It

 

 

 

When In Doubt Don't

 

No Is A Complete Sentence, Feel Good About Saying No

 

 

 

Listen And Learn

 

 

 

Fake It Till You Make It

 

 

Insanity "Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".

 

 

"If I keep doing what I've always done I'll keep getting what I've always gotten."

 

 

"If it ain't broke...don't fix it".

 

 

G.O.D. - Good Orderly Direction

 

 

Listen and Learn...take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. You have TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason - use the ears twice as often as you use the mouth.

 

 

When you're confused about what you should do and where you should be, stand very still for a while and look down at your feet...that will tell you where you are at; next look directly above you and ask, "Where do you want me?" then listen with both of your ears.

 

 

The alcoholic is a sick person because they drink too much, what is my excuse. (enablers question).

 

 

what you think of me is none of my business

 

 

There is only one thing you need to change about yourself in Al-Anon... E V E R Y T H I N G.

 

 

Steps One thru Three condensed. "I can't - God can - I'll let Him"

 

 

The twelve steps condensed. Trust God - Clean House - Help Others.

 

 

When at first you don't succeed...call your sponsor.

 

 

Next time you're feeling smart and think you know the solution to the alcoholic's problem...Say out loud "I think you should..." and then listen quietly. Most often you can hear God laugh.

 

 

"Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."

 

 

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."

 

 

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

 

 

 

 

I refrain from practicing the 4 M's found in our literature which are:

 

 

Mothering

 

 

Manipulating

 

 

Managing

 

 

Matyrdom

 

 

I have a full life today that is worth living. I remain grounded in my recovery and keep the focus on me leaving the results up to my HP.

 

 

 

I also like "An expectation is a future resentment" or

 

 

If you're not a fortune teller...stay out of the future.

 

 

Having a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

 

 

Often times the answer to a prayer is No or Wait.

 

 

There is only one God...I'm not it and neither are you.

 

 

Most naturally what you get from carrying too much weight is a hernia.

 

 

Many people will not choose recovery because of the fear or the pain of surgery.

 

 

My experience has been that when I am unwilling to ask for help, and I insist that I can do it all myself, I'm just a drunk talking to a crazy person.

 

 

I thought I was so cool. Then my sponsor pointed out that the definition of "cool" is "not so hot."

 

 

None of us came here on a winning streak

 

 

"If you do not know where you are going, then any road will take you there."

 

 

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open"

 

 

If I can't be a good example then I will just have to serve as a horrible warning

 

 

Take the mess to your sponsor, the message to the meeting

 

 

Don't speak unless you can improve on silence

 

 

It is only a short jump from humility to senility

 

 

"I may only have one recovery in me. "

 

 

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once

 

 

If it weren't for self-pity, I wouldn't get any

 

 

AA has a wrench that fits every nut that walks in the door

 

 

I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.

 

 

He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.

 

 

 

I thought God would open up the "gates of heaven" and let me in. He didn't. He opened up the "gates of hell" and let me out.

 

 

No more taking the blame for someone else's drinking!

Be gentle with yourself

Don't worry about whether he's really an alcoholic

Don't pour out the booze

Learn to relax

Don't be afraid of losing him because you're changing

Stop arguing with him (it works!)

Do one thing every day just for yourself

Use tough love

Don't ride with him when he's drunk

Confront him!

Walk away from abuse

Accept yourself

Don't believe "Drunk Is Fun!"

Tell your families? Only if you want to!

Mean what you say and say what you mean

Deal with his arrogance!

Don't change your address!

Hide the car keys?

You have the right to get sick too!

Learn about blackouts

Try to remember it's a disease

Let the crises happen

No more lying to his boss!

Start to get help---- Even though he's the alcoholic

Stay with him or leave him "Just for today"

Break out of your isolation

Stop asking permission!

Act as if you love you

Put him in the back of your mind

Don't feel guilty when you're mad!

Forget his bad mouth

Don't say you're changing-----just do it

Stop telling him how to get sober (don't talk to brick walls, either)

Don't get scared when he threatens to drink

Wipe out saying, "you've been drinking again!"

Don't expect him to be sober

Stop checking the bars

Don't beg him to stay

Don't be scared that he will leave if he gets well

Getting Help

Sex and alcoholism

 

 

I have now reached a place on my journey where I will no longer tolerate unacceptable behavior.

 

 

I keep this surrender prayer when I need guidance, take what you like...

God, today is Your day.

may I be who You would have me be.

may I do what You would have me do.

may I go where You would have me go.

and say what You would have me say.