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he is not one to drink every day or even every week - maybe bc he is on antidepressants? but when he does it is more often then not a huge binge.
anyway although we've been together for a long long time.. and frankly met by partying and drinking together.. i no longer want to be around him when he is drinking. period.
(other then christmas & thanksgiving & easter which are spent with family combined and cannot be avoided due to our kids etc.)
i am stressing about NYE tomorrow. i just don't want to be with him when he drinks.
can i just out and say this? i know its going to cause MAJOR DRAMA if i dare to bring up "the subject" but seriously. i just don't want to be around or see it anymore.
Hi Tweety
That's the beauty of this program for me. You can say it if you want to. You can spend time with them...or not. Choose what is best for you and if there is drama...remember it's not your drama!
K
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
thanks katy!! it's hard though as i am not that flexible (i know, excuses excuses..) but with three little kids it's not a matter of me just slipping out or finding somewhere else to go if he goes on a binge.. i have to 'plan' these things.. ugh :D
you are right though it is not my drama.
thank you!
I can relate to your not wanting to be around the active drinking, I too am in that position. Our circumstances are different but I have to do what is best for me. The drinking gives me such anxiety waiting for the drama, verbal abuse and the "asshole switch" to go off. I remove myself from the situation or make other plans to be nowhere around it. I am called selfish by the A for it but that is his issue. Good luck and Happy New Year!!
To thine own self be true...say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Yep, there may be a hissy fit, but is it worth it to suffer for someone else? NOPE.
this is still a free world...you can say or do what you want, provided it is legal, lol
You dont' want to be with him??? I dont' blame you...and I, with the 1st A of mine, i just refused to be with him on fam. get togethers b/c of his nasty insults to me, lousy personality when drinking/drunk....I just refused.....i ended up leaving him after 5 years of torturous marriage....
then, becuz i was not in programme and not healthy i married another A but he was sweet to me...never abusive, in fact we had a blast together and I did drink some so it was fun.....he didn't want AA and the saddest thing i had to do was to tell him to leave....he was fun to be around with so i never had that "icky" feeling of being out with him
he is the exception, i think, rather than the rule...most drunks are NOT fun to be around....my beloved A brother when he is drinking i have to get off the phone, i just don't want to be around it...especially now with programme under my belt..........zero tolerence for drunks being jerks at family or dating or any kind of social activity.......this NY eve, I am gonna "hang out" with my friends....eat.....enjoy good convo, if i have ONE beer that will be the max......or one glass of wine, MAYBE to toast the new year, but thats IT.....dont' want to be around that element anymore......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
To thine own self be true...say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Yep, there may be a hissy fit, but is it worth it to suffer for someone else? NOPE.
OH...LOVE this....Hey Paula, you say it so short and sweet, lol...wish i had your gift of saying wisdom w/out writing a book, LOL.....SPOT on my friend.....nobody is worth suffering for....AMEN!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My SO is not a A but when it comes to going for a ride on the quad ( scares me when he drives ) I just say NO thank you. He has a fit sometimes but it's sure a whole lot better than a day of agony.
No is a complete sentence. I don't need to justify it anymore.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I never knew what alcoholism was until I got into recovery for it first on the Al-Anon side of the coin and then later in the rooms of AA. There is no shoe fits all and not knowing means I could have continued to second guess the disease until it killed me. I was told early on "If her drinking troubles you..." was my qualifier for the program and boy did it ever bother me. I stopped trying to teach her how to drink and stopped myself just because there was nothing more left in it for me at all. My alcoholic family would challenge anyone who tried to call me alcoholic and they would have gotten it wrong also. Anyone who would have faced me off and said "drinking a mind and mood altering chemical like you do without any attempt to stop is waiting for suicide". enough of that for now. How do you say it? Program has a nice respectful philosophy for talking to the alcoholic or anyone else who might be in contention with you..."Say what you mean....Mean what you say....and don't say it mean". I liked that from the first time I heard it because it gave me the permission to speak my piece and not be an asshole about it. I could say it in love for her and me at the same time. Have a plan B for tomorrow if you go...a plan which has better outcomes for you. There normally are Al-Anon meetings available on New Years Day...keep that in mind. Keep coming back also. (((((hugs)))))
"I'm going to stay home this year, honey. I don't want to go out." "WHATTTTTT???????!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????!!!!!!" "I don't want to go out, honey. I'm going to stay home this year." "Well...........and.......and......curse, curse, curse.........and....pout....pout....pout.....whine...." "I understand, honey. I'm going to stay home this year. I don't want to go out."
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 30th of December 2013 07:18:15 PM
No is a complete sentence. I don't need to justify it anymore.
oh isn't it SO freeing to find out that "NO" is a one word sentence and yep...we DONT have to justify our right to take care of us.....
my enabler cousin who kinda likes my "former" bio sister wanted to know (she saw on facebook my info gathering post for which i got GREAT esh) and she says to me today on the phone "will you tell me what *J* said to you???" and i just said "NO".....and that was it....
My "NO" was becuz life is on a "need to know" basis....people who are not supportive of me, I don't owe them my info.....i don't owe them or anyone for that matter, my rights to take care of me and part of taking care of me is protecting the stuff i share in my recovery rooms, sponsor, MIP boards....
the folks "out there" who may not be supportive of me???? Nope...I share what I want....keep the deep stuff with my trusted loved ones and recovery environment.....and i say "no" a lot more.....and if i don't want to explain??? I don't!!!!!!
Nice point, Cathy......hope things are goin ok for you....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Program has a nice respectful philosophy for talking to the alcoholic or anyone else who might be in contention with you..."Say what you mean....Mean what you say....and don't say it mean". I liked that from the first time I heard it because it gave me the permission to speak my piece and not be an asshole about it. I could say it in love for her and me at the same time. Have a plan B for tomorrow if you go...a plan which has better outcomes for you. There normally are Al-Anon meetings available on New Years Day...keep that in mind. Keep coming back also. (((((hugs)))))
LOL...Oh yea, I am workin on the "say what you mean...mean what you say and dont' say it mean"......my cousin calls me on phone today and she had seen my facebook post, gathering info re: the stalking problem, I am hoping to be rid of soon.....
anyway, she wants to know "whats up???" I gave her the outline, and mentioned to her that she had enough info , what i was willing to share w/non recovery folks was right there on my post......she wanted to know more and began to defend the stalker...........I felt anger rising in me.....but i stopped....breathed......
then after a pause, I told the cousin she had a right to feel what she did about the other person in this awful thing, but I didn't want to hear my stalker being defended, and "perhaps we need to end the call, I have things to do...have a great visit here in TX with your daughter and happy NY"
I was starting to hang up and she said "WAIT".....she says that she did read the esh the Facebookkers gave to me and she did say that "well everyone on that post said this was for sure stalking and for sure it was cruel and malicious what she was doing....I guess , since all of them agreed, she must be doing something wrong"
I told her (cousin) that i would prefer, from now on, to limit what I share about the painful parts of my life and really, keep it within my close circle and mostly in my recovery meets, boards and recovery partners.....
I was kinda proud of me, in that i was not mean to this lady, but made it clear that I was limiting what I share with non supporters, if anything at all.....I want to keep "that part" of my life close to the vest....with my loved ones...sponsor....meets...boards....I said it firm but polite....focused yet humane...
really, in all honesty, I want to distance myself from this cousin to a fair degree b/cuz we are becoming a non match ....the healthier i get, the more I want to , yes, be nice and yes, if i have time, no worries we can hang out together, but she is no longer in my close circle.....as i grow and change for the healthier, my circles changed a bit......
I guess I am accepting that folks have a right to be themselves and think what they want and i have the right to distance myself and to limit what I share or how much time I want to spend with someone who really isn't that much of a match with me......I used to throw the baby out w/the bath water...now i have "circles" the smallest one scrapes my shirt over my heart...the bigger ones, yes, that person, I may talk w/ and even hang out w/ once in a while, but they are not in my intimate circle....still there, but in a farther out circle
and i got TOTALLY off topic, LOL...this share made me think of today's chat w/ this cousin whom i love, but am growing some distance from.....shes a good soul, but I feel the need in the course of taking care of me, to distance myself ......
WOW, great shares today.......LOVE it....I am challenged to face myself and kinda work step 4 as i contemplate all these awsum shares......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I totally understand! I could have written your post. I also struggle with saying I don't want to participate in activities that I know will involve drinking and make me uncomfortable. My husband does the most drinking with family. It is a real struggle for me to say no to family events because family is important to us. It is also hard for me just because I am not an assertive person. For now I have told him I will go to family events but I will not watch him get drunk with his parents. If this starts happening I will politely leave. He asked how he would get home! Now I worry about having the strength to do this if necessary every time we get together. I told him one time and I meant it. But because he doesn't binge often I don't have a lot of opportunities to practice being strong and I worry he will convince himself I didn't mean it. I have only had to do this once but I have anxiety about having to do it every time we get together with family. Yet, I feel better knowing I have plan. It helps knowing I have a plan that I think I can stick to if necessary. When there are other drinking events with friends it is easier for me to say no. I am slowly getting better at just saying I don't want to sit around and watch everyone get drunk. Good luck with New Year's Eve!
I was just thinking about how I don't have to go out with a bunch of drunks if I don't want to and seriously I don't want to. Just the idea of being on the roads with others who May have been drinking makes my skin crawl. Every year for the last 5 I think my kids have a big sleep over .. its a blast and we all have a good time watching movies playing games or doing puzzles. It's kind of hokey .. I laugh because every year the kids friends want to know if we are having a sleepover this year. Anyway, finding new ways to celebrate is something I enjoy. People can come along or not the choice is theirs. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
HP intervened! AH came down with a bad cold and had no desire to drink or party. We had a cozy night in with the kids, movies and snacks. Oh how I needed for once a holiday not spent as a ball of stress. Thank you for your shares and happy new year!!!
