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Any though really appreciated! We are in Mexico with 3 kids. AH is drinking for the 3rd day nonstop, so usually we depend on him for driving, translating etc (we go often to our house, he speaks spanish, handles all the money, drives rentla car because i cant use stick shift) we had been here at least ten times and i could depend on him for the most part, ut this timewe are on our own for a few days due to him being mentally unavailable. He is driving completely drunk, so i cant let kids go with him, i cant let him hold the little baby because he is barely walking himself, i didnt trust our girls to go inside the ocean with him. Girls had already seen him this way before, but at home it is moremanageble because we dont depend on him. For the first time i explained to my kids that when he drinks beer we can rifde a car with him or go in the ocean and in general it is better to leave him alone because he doesnt really understand much at this point. But they feel bad for him being alone, yesterday my daughter cried saying she doesnt want daddy to die, then she said she didnt want to eat with him because she feels nervous around him, but some other time they want to see him and i dont know how to just manage these few days he will be drinking. For example it took us 30 minutes walking on the heat with a stroller over hills to the beach, we got a good sit, very enjoying and then he came completely drunk and sat next to us, then went inside the ocean and started to call the girls to jin him. I had to leave, because after telling him a few times that girls cant come with him in the water unless he is sober, he wouldnt stop calling them and the girls were confused of what should they do. So we had to walk back on the heat home because it was unbearable for me on the beach. Girls were sad and they kept saying ¨you dont like daddy, u dont want to be with him...¨I no longer know what to tell them.
Hola Venera...find out where the Al-Anon Meetings in Spanish are around you and call them for support just as you have found us. You are doing the right thing keeping the separation when he is under the influence as this disease can often be life threatening...it is often a fatal disease and not only to the alcoholic. If you're able to find a Al-Anon meeting soon check out their literature table and see if they have the pamphlet "What is drunk Mama" which is printed for youngsters who wish to understand. It will help If you find that meeting get as much information as you can for yourself. Keep coming back here often. (((((hugs)))))
I don't know how old your kids are .. mine are 9 and 14 .. they have seen enough to know their dad is not ok. When they are with him both kids know I get the call if he's drunk and trying to drive them. We are no longer together .. if it's a safety issue I have sat the kids down and explained they are just going to have to trust me. In talking about alcoholism I have used a candy bowl analogy. That is what it's like for an addict there is no such thing as one piece. We have also talked about how hard it is to love someone and dislike their behavior. Their dad does the best he can .. unfortunately his best can suck and it hurts at times. If it comes down to his behavior hurting my kids then visitation is over that is a boundary. I wish we had alateen we don't .. the kids are in therapy. We just go from there and I try to keep things real and more of it is what it is. I can accept he's got a drinking problem .. I can't change him .. it is my responsibility as a parent to protect the kids. For me this has to do with circumstances that happened to me as a child and there was no adult protection. I take a harder stand and make no apologies for it. So keep the kids safe .. the reality is my stbax doesn't think like I do and his need to drink out weighs his better judgement. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Jerry, I dont speak spanish))) this is part of the problem, we are in mexico not in a resort city, just a small city next to the beach and i am left with kids, no car and you cant really walk here and no language for one more week. He should be ok soon hopefully, but of course i cnt rely on that. \so i was asking for a solution while we are here, we are 100% of time with kids and the subject about their dad comes freaquently. I am not sure how to talk fgood about their dad and also let them know that they cant drive together, that they cant play in the ocean together, that he cant hold an infant because he cant stand himself... i know they love their dad and they should keep that, they should separate the sickness from the person, but it may come across as if i am seprating them..
hotrod, thx my kids may be too young for alateen, they are not in the teen years yet, and also time would be hard to find.. i am working with 3 kids and all their classes,etc.. i will start with books
If anybody reading this, also wanted to ask if there is any esh on the after relapse attitude. I personally dont feel like being around him now, we still have vacation left together, so when he sobers up i am worried i will just keep being mad at him and not wanting to spend time together which will be effected on the kids. we are renting a car, he speaks spanish, i need physical help, etc and just getting it from him after seeing him that way is soo hard but i promised the kids to be nice to him. So i am not sure what to do here. I do love him and do want him to be sober and healthy and i understan that it is a desease, but i keep thinking of him driving drunk, hugging the workers who he barely knows, being so dirty for a few days, etc i just cant relate to him now and it makes it impossible to be around.
kids dont want to go home, they love it here. So do i. We are actually enjoying our company and for the most part we are ok, my only consern is that i dont know how to avoid the AH while he is that way. we are safe because he is not confrontational and we are not driving in the same car. it is just annoying, but i do want to find a way to explain it to my kids
Oh, I see. Well, kids are pretty smart. If they see you as not liking Daddy right now, maybe you can tell them that you like Daddy but you don't like what beer does to him when he drinks it? I wouldn't try to convince them that you do like Daddy when it is very obvious to them that you are moving away from him. If he has never entered formal recovery and worked a program earnestly, he isn't relapsing? The disease may be progressing? When he sobers up, being angry with him just helps him drink some more. His disease is compulsion that can only be arrested by no drinking and a formal program and whatever other supports can aid him. Al-Anon has been suggested for you. It will help you like AA can help him.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 30th of December 2013 09:34:33 PM
he didnt work any programm, not even read a book, which he has been promising after every episode. so he is in complete denial, so sad. i am reading some of the posts where people write about difficulty with a recovering A, to me it would be just a dream) but no we are not there yet.
this is what i was telling kids exactly ¨I love daddy, i would love to be with him now if he was not drinking, but it is the best to leave him alone now, he is not understanding anything now anyways, we will spend time with him when he is sober, etc but for now we can enjoy the day without him..¨ not sure if it is good or not, but this is how it is.
and i absolutely dont know how to continue when he stops drinking at last that much (when he only drinks and sleeps)
i feel better myself, not crying, just accepted everything the way it is, but dont know how to explin to the kiddos and also not sure how will it be when he sobers up. as far as me, i am ok, i would probably leave him alone, but i am sure kids would want the time with him and definatly i cant leave them alone
No, you definitely can't leave them alone. I certainly agree with that. Your response to the kids is very honest. None of us know the perfect way to say anything to our kids, but I do know that honesty helps them trust us even if they don't always like what they hear. What drives them koo-koo is seeing something and us telling them what they see isn't happening. Good for you, Venera.
No, you definitely can't leave them alone. I certainly agree with that. Your response to the kids is very honest. None of us know the perfect way to say anything to our kids, but I do know that honesty helps them trust us even if they don't always like what they hear. What drives them koo-koo is seeing something and us telling them what they see isn't happening. Good for you, Venera.
I agree with Grateful....those kids need to trust something and that somethng appears to be you.....AND its your job to keep them safe, I would , if I were you, just bide my time, keep it cool, get home and jump onto alanon as fast as I can...those kids need a sane parent to rely on and to have a chance of growing up and not having to work the rest of their lives in aca programmes.......
I like your being honest with them....that fosters trust and stability in their lives that he is disrupting with his drinking......what a nightmare....stuck in MX with a drunk and your 2 innocent kids......
BE SAFE, BE CAREFUL.....i wish you could just jump on a bus and haul your selves home, but i guess in a small rural town, that is not possible, hey??? keep us posted
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I was with my ex A....trips turned into nightmares as the years went on. I had to learn to have a backup plan so I would never be "stuck". For one thing, I would make it conditional in the future that your rental cars are automatics, or better yet make sure you learn how to drive a stick (totally doable, and actually safer so you are Never stranded because of this under any circumstances. IE a diabetic friend with their stick car has episode of low blood sugar. Make sure you have money set aside he doesn't know about to ensure you can "leave" for you and your childrens safety. Get an electronic translator as well. Our international friends use them, so good to have.
I later moved on to going on vacation alone with my children. No drama, and Lots and Lots of fun!
Meantime, keep coming back..you have many who care for you here and can teach you good things. I like your honesty with your children and common sense and not compromising it regardless of what he says or does. Please, stay safe.
Venera there are on line meetings here at MIP twice daily...check into the chat room entrance and the face page to see when they are. The are ET (eastern time zone) so calculate when you get on and read the chat from the fellowship. I read you share and the picture I get is hostage holding...sorry...just how I see things in pictures. (((hugs)))
