The material presented
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it took all I had to pick up this computer today what do you do when you physically, mentally emotionally can not take any more? when your so deep down in a hole surrounded by darkness crumpled up in a puddle of despair knowing you cannot take anymore pain but all you options will cause you more pain hating that you have to breath because even breathing hurts begging god to help ease your pain to give you strength to carry on when no matter how hard you try you cant see past this moment in time hopeless helpless not even caring if your ever happy again just wanting the pain to stop.
You did just what you should do You reached out to an alanon group looking for support and a ray of hope. I have felt as you just described, begged HP to just lift the pain and show me the way. I found my way to an alanon meeting and stayed.
Stay in the moment, in the day, do not project into the future, stay here, read, attend the on line meeting pray and know that there is hope and help
You are powerless over this disease but you are not helpless alanon works if we work it
Hello farmerswife, you sound like you have reached your bottom, and its probably the best place to begin a program of recovery. I have been to where you are just now, I remember feeling that way, its horrible but when I look back I can see how that dark place got me to search out the light. Alanon will help you, it helped me from the first meeting. Search for meeting in your area, easy to do online, go to the Alanon home page and take it from there.x
I too know that "hole" all to Well, As I'm Sure Many Here will tell ya! You Did the Next Best thing! You Came Here! You Reached Out! You Made a 1st Step in Admitting Step #1~ I am Powerless over Alcohol My Life has Become Unmanagable!
And Know that You did that! Well You are Well on Your Way! I got Here just 5 short yrs ago, I had Just Lost My AFather to Alcohol, I had to Admit to Myself that "I" Am an Alcoholic, My Husband a Binge Drinker, My Siblings (4) ALL Alcoholics, and the Hole Just Kept Getting Deeper, because I was Trying to Control ALL Their Lives, and Had Absolutely NO Control over my own, cause I was too wrapped up in theirs! The Blessings of Out Pourling Love & Understanding I Got here was UnBelievble to me, Very Foriegn to Me and How I was Raised in my Alcoholic Home!
My Suggestion, Look in the White Pages of Your Phone Book and Call the Al-Anon Hotline and Find a Meeting In Your Home Town, And GIFT Yourself the Love & Support of AL-Anon! Continue to Come here & Share, Vent, Cry, or What ever it Takes to Get you to the Next Day! The Little Steps Me Take today, are the Big Steps that will Get us Where we Need to be Tomorrow!
Please KEEP COMING BACK! Keep Reading, and YES... GIFT Yourself Al-Anon, You Will Slowly Realize Just how Worth it YOU ARE! And Your VERY WORTH IT!
Welcome back home April...sounds like you've run out of wiggle room. I found that place myself and I needed to be there so that I could no longer wiggle away from my HP's attempts to lead me to healing and recovery. I was also born and raised in the disease of addiction and alcoholism and drug addiction took anything and everything I would think was good in my life away. I was led to the doors of Al-Anon two times and the second time I stayed because I had no more resistance against help. The suggestions here to get to the face to face meetings was what I heard when I ran out of wiggle room and without resistance I went and got my life back. I was so afraid on my hotline call to the program that I almost hung up on the angel I was talking to and she cautioned me "Don't not hang up this phone...your very life can depend on this". She knew where I was at "done" and that alcoholism is a fatal disease; not only for the drinker. Go to the white pages or Al-Anon.Com and find meetings in your area and go right away. Load up on literature and sit and listen to the Experiences Strengths and Hopes of the fellowship there as you are here. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) The pain and darkness are temporary.
I'll echo some of the previous posters and say that where you are, in the big picture, is probably a good thing, although I'm sure it doesn't seem that way now.
For me, hitting rock bottom was the only thing that would have forced me to get help and support, and in the short time I've been involved in Al Anon, it's worked wonders.
I'm far from being out of my own "hole," but most days I can at least see the path I need to take, and the changes I've been making in me have made the hole a lot less dark.
This program DOES work...almost immediately for some, a bit longer for others, whether the AH is in your life or not, still drinking or not. You just have to have faith in it, yourself, and of course, your HP.
I have had many holes and will have more I am sure. The difference is now I know what to do if I want to climb out and I have people who have my permission to kick me if I don't reach for light and clean air. There have been times where my prayer has been "God help me to want to feel better". Reach for recovery, as your life really does depend on it. And if you would like to give some of us permission to send you a private message with some tough love, we can do that, too. Lovingly, of course
well i can't add anything to these great shares, much , except that i, too think you have hit rock bottom
the good thing about that is that you can only go "up" now.....and coming here is your HP's , perhaps, doing to get you into the help you need
I do hope you can find a meeting, even on line but a meeting....latch onto a sponsor and get started on the 12 steps work....practicing the slogans and like others said, read the posts...absorb the strength and love and courage here on this board.....
may the new year be the beginning of a new and healthier life for you....the choice is yours....we can only suggest and share our experiences and strength and hope.....you gotta make the choice.....I think coming here is a good sign...it is a beginning.....one step at a time....one day at a time...
in support
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am on here for the very first time. I feel your pain. I feel like I'm going through the motions--but at least one step is still a step. My gf and I have been together for 11 years (we are lesbian). I fell in love completely with her...not knowing she had a "secret." We used to party (often)--until the partying became nasty, including physical fighting (which I ended up in jail for--even though she began the fight). That was 10 years ago. However, her promises of quitting, moderating, pacing, etc, are all just "words" and empty promises. She knows exactly how to manipulate me, and I hate it. I lost myself in the process, falling into a deep depression and almost unable to keep my job or push through in my college classes. However, I am a fighter and determined. I have made goals for myself. We have 2 adult children at home, one to move out soon, and one who is in school--who has often been the object of my gf's belittling and bullying. We have all had it. I involved our families a year ago when, once again, her mood went south after much to drink and I called her parents to come and remove her from the house. She was furious! She still believes I am at fault for that situation. I am tired of making threats that I know I honestly do not want to have to follow through with. She says she doesn't need professional help because she can "stop" when she wants to (which only usually lasts for a few days or a couple of weeks AT MOST). My friend told me to get help for myself first. It's crazy...I'm a psych major and I can't help her! However, I want control of MY life back--without worrying about HER threats or emotional manipulation.
But do we stay when years of promises were empty and the pattern continues? I am soooo TIRED of this disease affecting my kids' lives and mine negatively. Why should I stay NOW, when it hasn't changed before? I don't know if I believe that changing MY behavior and reactions to her will make a difference.
ALGC- I can honestly say I know how you feel, Im new here to Ive been with my husband 10 years we have 2 teen daughters 19 and 15 when sober he is an excellent husband and father and I love him with all I am, he is doing na and aa seems to be trying really hard it's a process though. He relapsed this weekend and it hurt more deeply than ever. when he falls he is gone days sometimes weeks at a time leaving me to tend a 60 acre farm completely alone (and I am disabled) I know it's not personal he is sick and has to work his program, it's not instant fix, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I do know in the 8 years since his first relapse with me (he has battled this for 30 years) nothing I have said, done or felt has ever made a difference with him I can only control how I look at things how I deal with things. No one can tell you to stay or go that can only come from your own heart. No one can judge you for staying or going its your life their is no simple fix but from what I hear being here alanon can really help. Welcome and thank you for the comment
Well more often than not the addict feels threatened when we reach outside the relationship for help. I would guess especially when they are not working their own program, their disease process makes them manipulative and they know when we connect with others, the more we learn the more our confidence grows the harder we are to manipulate. But we don't do this for them we do it for us. We have to take care of ourselves! They are sick usually not bad people but their disease changes how they think. I hope she can see this will help you immensely living with an addict affects us as much as them, but whether she sees it or not you got to what's best for you.
Thank you for the shares ALGC and farmerswife. I'm in a similar space and holding on for our two year old but after 11 years together I'm starting to accept that I have been managing her disease without any support and it finally crashed down on us when I had to chose to give the baby what energy I had to spare over her. Now she's cheating and drinking and lying and blaming me for all of it. I am so angry at myslef for getting trapped with someone who could disconnect from a baby we brought to this earth together. But the worst part is I have to hold myself together for our little one. We will both always be her moms and she deserves at least one of us to put her first.
Also my wife is furious about me seeking Al anon support or prayer "I'm betraying her" "my faith is BS" she is so dark I don't know what to say anymore and I so often want to just hug her and tell her to try harder to recover. But she won't accept hugs anymore. So that burns too:'(
I understand its so hard when they detach, especially when you have kids they don't do it to hurt us its their disease and guilt over what they've done but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. All you can do is trust your HP keep coming here and take care of you maybe they come around maybe they don't but you have to take care of you either way. One day at a time :)
I am on here for the very first time. I feel your pain. I feel like I'm going through the motions--but at least one step is still a step. My gf and I have been together for 11 years (we are lesbian). I fell in love completely with her...not knowing she had a "secret." We used to party (often)--until the partying became nasty, including physical fighting (which I ended up in jail for--even though she began the fight). That was 10 years ago. However, her promises of quitting, moderating, pacing, etc, are all just "words" and empty promises. She knows exactly how to manipulate me, and I hate it. I lost myself in the process, falling into a deep depression and almost unable to keep my job or push through in my college classes. However, I am a fighter and determined. I have made goals for myself. We have 2 adult children at home, one to move out soon, and one who is in school--who has often been the object of my gf's belittling and bullying. We have all had it. I involved our families a year ago when, once again, her mood went south after much to drink and I called her parents to come and remove her from the house. She was furious! She still believes I am at fault for that situation. I am tired of making threats that I know I honestly do not want to have to follow through with. She says she doesn't need professional help because she can "stop" when she wants to (which only usually lasts for a few days or a couple of weeks AT MOST). My friend told me to get help for myself first. It's crazy...I'm a psych major and I can't help her! However, I want control of MY life back--without worrying about HER threats or emotional manipulation.