The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My life as a drama queen is difficult, but I am getting better at it. He still drinks from time to time, and he's mean as hell when he does. Not physically, but the mental abuse has all but killed my zest for life. I have gone from a fun-loving, involved gal to a hermit whose trust in the world and those humans who inhabit it is completely gone. Fifteen years ago when we married, I was so in love with him. He was the man I had searched for for so many years after I found myself the widow of the great love of my life. All seemed like a beautiful dream. I did not know he was an alcoholic, but two years into the marriage, he began drinking and morphed into a monster. I gave him 12 years to get himself straightened out, taking him back time after time, hoping against hope that this would be the wake-up call he needed. He has been in rehab - came out and continued drinking. He refuses to go to AA or align himself with any program. He has very little income, and cannot live decently on his own. I have taken him back time and again because I "feel sorry" for him. What is wrong with me? Am I nuts???? Now he is gone; told me he had made his choice between me and the bottle. I miss the good years we had together, and I desperately want them back, knowing that happy time will never come again. SOmetimes I even go so far as to think that the sober times with him are worth putting up with the drunk times. It is nearly new year's eve, and I am lonely because I know I'll spend it alone. I have lost trust in humanity. A man in the neighborhood walks his dog in the park behind my house. We talk over the fence if I happen to be outside. He would like to take me out, but I have no trust left. This drunken s.o.b. will never be erased from my mind, nor will the damage he has caused to me. OK. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for being here, and although I don't show up often, I think of all of you daily with great caring.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
So good to hear from you. Your honesty, clarity and acceptance are refreshing.
I am glad that you reached out and reconnected. Please know that you are not alone and that this dreadful disease cannot win as long as we reconnect with alanon and begin once again to use the tools. You are a vibrant, intelligent, beautiful women so just keep coming back and you will begin to feel that again.
Enjoy the moment and the day. Trust is difficult to regain. You can still go out to dinner with that lovely gentleman and hold on tight to yourself
Please give yourself this small gift and then come back and let us know how it went
Thank goodness our beliefs can change...you have given them a voice here but don't let them be curses for you (((Diva))). And your name tells me your fun loving side is still there and screaming to come out and play
((Diva)) Grateful for your post and glad you are here.
I have come to believe that it was never a choice between me and his disease. The disease speaks for him in everything he does and it isn't personal; it's because this is the progressive nature of the disease because he does not choose sobriety and work a 12 step program. The more I work Alanon, the less reactive I am to his manipulations.
Keep doing the next right thing and as you rebuild trust in yourself, the anxiety regarding trusting others lessens. Take good care of yourself- eat nutritiously, exercise, get enough rest, call friends or make new ones... Enjoy good conversation over dinner with the gentleman and stay in the moment.
Thank goodness our beliefs can change...you have given them a voice here but don't let them be curses for you (((Diva))). And your name tells me your fun loving side is still there and screaming to come out and play
Oh I couldn' agree with Paula more......so sorry he squashed you like that, but hey!!! we can UNdo the false evidence force fed to us.....I urge you to get to meetings, get a good sponsor, tear into those 12 steps and slogans practice and....
I read, melodie beatties coda no more and 12 steps for codas....got em used on amazon.com...and they really saved me....then i got 12 steps worksheets b/c like you i had my parents squash the life out of me
i self abused...I have a couple of little scars on my wrists where once i cut me and another time i put hot candle wax on me...i think i did it b/c i hated me...i wanted to hurt me bcuz my offender -father had me convinced i was a p.o.s...and my first AH added to the pile of mental manure....so i know what u r feeling...i know the head job these a-holes can do to us, but we CAN overcome...we CAN surrender to the LOVE of this program and we CAN come back....we CAN reclaim our beautiful selves b/c HP did NOT make trash.....we are just as good...
oh please give this program a chance.......we are here to share and listen
IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for the replies. THose of you who know me know that I have been involved in AlAnon for years. Most of the time I am happy and mentally well. It is only now and then that I allow myself to be overwhelmed and feel a little sorry for myself. I am not into cutting myself or doing any other kind of physical harm to myself. I understand the program even though I have a stray problem or two with its tenets. I am strong, and I get through it. 2013 has not been a good year for me for reasons having nothing to do with an alcoholic or alcoholism. But I am determined to make 2014 a better year. I wish a happy new year to all of you. Hang in there and keep on keeping on.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Greetings Diva,
I get that trust bit so I'm concentrating on trusting myself and my judgement for a while (after all we've learnt a lot over the years and that has to be good for something!).
Wishing you a happy New Year as well, full of all the things you like and enjoy.
I am not into cutting myself or doing any other kind of physical harm to myself. I understand the program even though I have a stray problem or two with its tenets. I am strong, and I get through it. 2013 has not been a good year for me for reasons having nothing to do with an alcoholic or alcoholism. But I am determined to make 2014 a better year. I wish a happy new year to all of you. Hang in there and keep on keeping on.
Diva
Thank God for that....It was hard for me to admit that yea, once upon a time, I got a razor and cut my wrist, i did it once, but once is enough....and the candle wax......yep, I was that sick...when i look back, i see i have the same body, but i literally have lived 2 lifetimes here on earth....the new me, the now me would never ever YUCK think of doing that again.....I was that sick, though......i am not ashamed of it...it happened....i did it crying, screaming for help......i found it, finally, and i am on my knees thanking creator for getting me into recovery.....i did see a counsellor b4 recovery and i confessed to him what i did....he helped me expell my anger in healthier ways, and then i went to a christian councellor who also helped me, but recovery in alanon and aca has been the absolute best for me....
I only told you that becuz i know the mental and emotional damage abuse and neglect (both of which i suffered) can do to a person's mind......I am strong now, but could not say that b4 recovery......and i am sometimes weak and i do step 3 and surrender to my HP......in my weakness i find strength......
I, too am determined to make 2014 an even better year...recovery wise, financially, physically, socially....the works.....i am ready to expand my life.....
I am glad you showed up and are ready to work on and take care of you......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
