He left!!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

He left!!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There are no "buts" Gaby...You are a child of God -and- you're human...both are true and you seem to be having problems with the human part.

Keep practicing...accept him completely without condition just as you do everyone else and wish to be accepted by others. (((hugs))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby It is not easy Knowing that we do have choices and that Acceptance is the Key, I finally deicided to not Go down the deep hole with the alcoholic so I let go and let God handle the problem.

In my prayers

oldergal · Senior Member

Gaby you have been accepted to this board with no conditions, we know where you are, we have been there to. You need not excuse yourself for any reason..we are with you on your path and we hope we can be of some service to you. In support og

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

After a while, it became clear to me that most people outside of Alanon didn't really understand what I was going through; and not everyone gives meaningful advice.

For me, I didn't start to understand what choices were available to me until I started the process of acceptance. I had lost faith, looked outside myself and of course couldn't find it. So, I had to start from scratch- I thanked HP for what I wanted as if I already had it. Acceptance grew as I did less and less for my active A and the more I focused on myself. Lots of practice, time, and consistency has put me in a much better direction.

I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.

In support.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I work on me by reading my daily readers, they all offer something different, courage to change, one day at a time and just for today, im not religious so I dont read the bible or anything else ( I also dont want any conflicting information). When I really want to do the work during times of crisis, I take each step and I look up the readings for each step, I write out in my notebook the main points from each reader, the readings are listed in the index at the back, I have not done a proper step 4 yet though and I think this may be halting my progress, anyway, this always makes me feel better and I know im working on my new attitude, im learning it, consolidating it, its like learning anything new, the work needs to be done. On the step forum here, there are questions that you can answer to help you understand each step better, there are online recorded meetings that you can listen to, maybe take notes, you can search this forum for specific topics. Meditating is really good, I use you tube for guided meditation, this helps relaxation and taking your mind to a really quiet, still place, so powerful. I also read news and views, these are usuLly themed so they help you go deeper with your issues.

This is just me and my program, ive got a long way to go and im relatively new to it so there are probably lots of bits that im missing but I live and breath my program in many ways, its on my mind constantly, I do become complacent at times and think ive got it cracked but im rapidly reminded that that will never be the case. I have always been this way about anything im determined about, I become a bit ocd about it.

One spiritual awakening that I did get was the realisation that I would be presented with the same problem over and over again until I changed my response and dealt with it properly. This is not easy gaby, but then what worthwhile thing is, and nobody can do this for you. The people here can give you their interpretation of this program and examples of their recovery but you have got to go through the process like everyone else and it takes effort, time, willingness and I never got that until I had completely surrendered myself, I got to the stage where I gave up trying to fix, there came a point when I thought I dont have the power to change the people in my life, I gave up my will really. I had enough evidence to truly know that I am powerless, thats when my mind opened.

You will get there gaby and were all here to offer whatever we can so keep reaching out.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Your son will continue to leave until he's sick enough to except and come out of his own denial. Your here and your seeking the help you need and that is a good thing. You want help so seek it one day at a time, one minute at a time.

We are here for you Gaby. We know what your going through so keep us with you. You need to heal yourself now so you can be strong for your son when the time comes.

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby: My son would also leave the helps offered to him. I can't guess at his motives or understand why he keeps choosing death over life. I can understand that I'd like to see him choose differently but he doesn't and he won't - not until whatever payoff he gets from staying drunk and drugged no longer appeals to him if he lives that long - and makes changes.

I do know my own motivations in no longer attempting to help him, change him, sober him up, encourage or support him. It won't make any difference. I've done that and done that and done that. I've gotten the same results. He continues to use and abuse himself. I continue to drive myself crazy fighting with something over which I have no control, no power, no ability to modify when I attempt anything that I know from experience "ain't gonna make a difference to him."

I haven't rejected my son, but I have rejected that part of me that tells me to keep trying, keep at it, keep hoping he'll get better, stop using, clean up his life. I know from experience that those words are simply lies of my own need to rescue someone who doesn't really want to be rescued. I know this from my son's actions and not his words. The one I have learned I can rescue is me. I spent many, many years trying to help my son overcome the affects of alcoholism and drug addiction and all the isms that are manifestations of the same disease. I won't say I wasted my time or energy because it took me awhile to get how powerless I truly was over my son, his isms and the consequences for those isms. I learned to let go of guilt, shame, what ifs, if onlys, and saying I loved my son. Truth is for me now, I don't even know my son anymore. The disease has swallowed him up almost completely. But, I do know myself and I know my HP. I trust myself to take good care of myself and to let go of what I am powerless over - my son and his isms - and to live my life now to the best of my ability - with faith in myself, my HP and the goodness of creation. I also trust that no matter how low this disease can take me or my children, there is a power greater than it all and that power is the Source to which I cling for all that is life-giving.

Prayers for you and for your family, Gaby. This disease NEVER, EVER gets the last word. HP gets it. (((G)))

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Gaby

I'm following your posts and I understand and empathise with everything you write; I have lived every moment you are living now, the worry & fear that brings us to the edge of madness.

Please be gentle with yourself, you are progressing a day at a time smile

Sadly, for me, the disease took my son 27/Oct/11, age 34, but I want you to know that Al-anon saved my life...... because I wanted it to, needed it to.......someone elses disease was killing me; the programme gave me the strength and serenity to take my son down off his controlling pedestal (the one I had placed him on) and set him free.

I began my recovery on this board; I stumbled across it one dark winter night here in Scotland, my computer was awash in tears as I googled for help. I was willing and open and listening to everything that was offered because I was ready to throw myself in the river to escape the madness & pain this awful disease trawls in its wake.

I kept (keep) coming back & back & back smile

A slow but steady unfurling of recovery in Al-anon began for me, minute by minute, day by day; when the invitations came to join in his insanity (and they were daily) I learned to sit quietly and make a choice always remembering to put my health, welfare and sanity first.....I didn't need to jump into a fear fuelled reaction...... I had to remember if he had the means to phone me up to come to his rescue, then he had the means to phone someone else (but why bother when Mum is the soft landing......the easy option). I was standing in his way, I was the one keeping him helpless and hopeless.....why would he bother growing up and taking charge of his own life? So gradually I learned to choose an action that would keep my serenity intact, be it posting here, going to a meeting, reading the literature, phone a friend and chat about anything but the disease ..in doing this I found the moment had passed and I was OK

To me phones' are the devil furious why do we need to know what someone is doing every minute of every day.......for a while my life was completely controlled by it, waiting, fretting, waiting, fretting, waiting......while the A was out doing what As do......the last thing on his mind was I'll just put this drink down & phone my Mother, and then the drink would have a sting in its tale and off the phone would go and I was waiting for it......on my starting blocks....... ready, willing and able to take control

We don't want them in pain, we don't want them sleeping on the streets, we don't want them in filthy hovels with other drunks, we don't want them being stitched up in hospital, thrown in Jail, stealing, begging, dead.......... we just want to love them better (doesn't work) If they are cushioned from the reality of the disease, why would they ever want to change? It's tough......tough for all.

A's don't stay cold and hungry for long, they are wiley creatures......there's an enabler round every corner; they soon find out where there are rooms, free food-banks, free showers etc etc, it might be an underworld we don't like but their choices are their choices and survival is their's for the taking.

As long as they want to stay in the disease and have no serious intention of pursuing abstinence nothing changes for them and we are powerless over this.

We are not powerless over ourselves.........we can allow ourselves to continue to have our strings yanked by insanity or be open and willing to try a different way; Al-anon offers us a gentle, non-judgemental, step onto a path of recovery.

I relapsed many times, I would allow the disease back and I would be back on step one, but I needed the reminders to make me stronger......there was a lesson in every one.

Boundaries are the most important thing for me; alcoholics are 'blinkered' to the carnage they bring (I say blinkered because they are not blind to it); we forget we are allowed to protect ourselves, we are allowed to say no to unacceptable behaviour, we can say what we mean, mean what we say and don't have to say it mean; we deserve respect, our home deserves respect.

My son felt he had to inform me of every disaster that befell him, I would absorb them all like a sponge, and then fall apart. He would think some of it hilarious......to me it was frightening and desperate. One day (when he was in a period of sobriety) I told him the effect his actions and 'stories' were taking on my, his Dad and his Sisters health and I asked that he would keep his disease to himself. I said I love you but if the insanity starts again you are alone with it, I will hang up the phone and I will walk away.....with love......and I did.

You are on a powerful journey Gaby but the Al-anon promise states that if you keep an open mind, keep coming back, practice the programme, attend the meetings, read the literature and be strengthened in the knowledge there is worldwide support of Al-anon family members holding your hand along the way......you will find acceptance, peace and serenity whether the A keeps drinking or not

I have found the promise to be true, I have peace in my heart.

Love & support

Ness x

-- Edited by Ness on Monday 30th of December 2013 08:19:07 AM

-- Edited by Ness on Monday 30th of December 2013 09:12:43 AM

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby:

Many prayers for you and your family. You are not alone. This disease likes to get all of us in the ring and take us on at once. We have tools to use instead of putting the gloves on. Your HP is watching over you and HP has your son too. We are all surrounding you offering support.

(((((((Gaby)))))))

YF

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby - I do see progress. You are awfully hard on yourself. You state things like "I was manipulated" and "I stupidly fell for it" when what I see this time is you going to help him, but sticking to boundaries of not in your house and you won't shell out so much money to enable him. You are wise and you are developing healthier coping skills. It just feels like hell and it is hell to be going through this.

What makes you so hard on yourself when your son messes up? What is so shameful about what is going on that you need to rush in and fix it? Yeah it's horrible, but does it bring you shame for yourself? If so why? This is about what makes Gaby tick...not her son. Work on Gaby.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

They say that our higher power can speak through others and I think the replys here are going to help many people, I am learning through listening here, such valuable shares for all mothers going through this. Thank you.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know now that you see what everyone is saying. It's quite powerful Just one step at a time for YOU because you are not powerless over yourself.

I'm thinking I need to do it now before my son is not healthy anymore. By then it will be to late for him. I will let my son hit his bottom no matter how bad and pray he won't be 6 feet under.

That's what I can do for me and my son.

Let go Let God.....you are not alone

(((( hugs ))))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

We accept you and love you Gaby. Sometimes we need to let others illuminate for us what we cannot see for ourselves. Take good care of you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Ness)))))...Blessings and Thanks. smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby wrote:
I do go to alanon.. I do not have a Sponsor that has much time for anyone any more. I will work on finding one.. My only strong face to face meeting is only on Mondays in the evening. I have very little fellowship to reach out to. I have tons of books to read.. Such as Jesus calling, The courage to change, my daily bible with many prayer and a great family support and friends that have not walked in my shoes..! But support and advice me in how to work on me , not my son!!

***************************
OK, you go to alanon, that is a good thing.....I would get a sponsor as fast as possible (Find one online if you gotta---but find one) becuz you CANNOT do this w/out ALL the alanon parts and that is YES, meetings and more than ONE per week.....at first I went to 3 and 4 meets per week...even more...AND sometimes 2 in a DAY...my first 90 days, I was married to meetings and steps........I can't say it enough .a sponsor is essential....fellowship?? you find that in the meetings, even the online meetings......the books??? courage to change is good....what about the others that Cathy suggested??? I would get into those......
I, too, do not read the bible....that is not part of alanon....all of us have our HP as we understand it and so we read the conference approved literature an it is such for a reason.....what about getting them sober?? dont' let your kids kill you??? as Cathy suggested??????
we HAVE supported and guided you how to take care of you, but I see things not changed in a lot of areas and until that does, you won't progress.....what is holding you back from grabbing onto alanon in all its entirely and DOING IT???? and why do you feel shame when HE messes up, as Pinkchip said???? PC also mentions that Gaby has to work on Gaby......at what point do you work steps 1,2,3 to achieve this acceptance #1...I am powerless....#2, came to believe in a power greater than I as I understand it.....#3, surrendering those people, places, things I am powerless over....and steps 3 helps you get to that point, but if you don't work the steps, you are NOT gonna grow.....
I suggested you read everyone's posts and WRITE on them, to help you imprint alanon in your head and cut loose the obsession over this boy you have NO power over......I am sorry about your troubles, but I don't see you really really knocking your socks of working this program......Read the posts of the other moms and how they became "un-obsessed" read their posts.....comment on them......REACH OUT.....commenting on others helped me get out of the obsessing mode and into "releasing it mode" and by esh'ing another , i was , by default letting go the obsession......I put my recovery first, and strangely, the more i shared w/others and esh'd others, doign the 12th step in tandom with the other steps, I found MORE help and MORE love ....we GET what we GIVE to this program....and it begins WITH YOU...
if some of us are "getting it faster" read our posts and see WHY...what are the others doing that is helping them progress???? is it possibly they searched for and found a sponsor???? is it bc they are in the chat meets when they can't go facetoface?????
is it possible they are reading and sharing what they read in the alanon literature????AND could it be they are working the 12 steps workbooks and practicing what they learnd??? I think I mentioned to you Melodie Beattie, "Codependent no more" and M B's "12 steps for codas" not sure they are alanon approved, but they are STEP oriented and they HELPED me and showed me WHY I was so coda.....
It is good you are here but it is NOT enough.....MIP is a suppliment to our sponsor work and our meetings and our working the steps
you don't mention what steps you are working.....do you have any workbooks/worksheets on the steps??? You can PM me your email address and i will SEND YOU THE STEPS....just to help you get started on the program......I have worksheets if you want them I can send them to you via email......
But I need to know that you will really work them because it will be work for me to dig them out of my library, pick the ones I have not "done MY work on" and send you the "clean ones"....I will send them IF you really intend to work them....No worries...I wlll help but I only go the extra mile for those who really want to help themselves.....so the offer is there...YOU decide WHEN and IF you are ready to get into the steps....
you ask for our patience and you got it but what are you doing with our suggestions?????
you have to want to help yourself......God helps those who get up....reach out....do ALL they can to help themselves.....I do not read the bible, it is not alanon or aca..yea, if it is comfort, fine, but we are all many beliefs and we all have our step #2 as WE understand it, but the alanon literature is UNIVERSAL.....and it WORKS........
you have a choice.....continue suffering or freedom through the STEPS...SPONSOR....MEETINGS (more than 1 x per week)...SLOGANS practice.....ALANON literature that many suggested to you........you can embrace these things or stay stuck....I don't know what else to say,
I came here bcuz i was from another kind of hell, but hell is hell, and I knew that in order to reclaim my life i had to REACH for it....AND that means working alanon as suggested by the ones who are growing and thriving.....
I follow the "winners" I watch and read the ones who are growing and I POST on them to release me from any obsessing over My problems.......there are plenty of A moms here on this board.....what are they doing that is keeping them emotionally sober one day at a time???? READ their posts....FOLLOW their suggestions....and its OK to ask a ??? as to what they did...these kind and awsum women here would be HAPPY to share w/you what they did to manage THEIR common situations......I think this board has been not only patient but the members here have given you AWSUM suggestions......What are you doing to respond to those wonderful suggestions?????
I am reading that you "punish" yourself when HE messes up.....its like HE is addicted to the substance and you are addicted to him in some way....someone else mentioned that to you....so....how to you break an addiction???? you work alanon IN ITS ENTIRETY and you work to stay "sober" ONE DAY AT A TIME.....
So are you ready to really work and work hard to work on YOU????
I don't know anymore I can say except lift you in prayer that at some point you decide to embrace the program an do the hard work required and the commitment required to thrive in this wonderful program
if alanon/aca can save an incest survivor whose parents even tried to kill her like me, it can help anyone....TRUST me...I am living now...I am growing now...I don't want to die anymore at my own hand....I am loving me now...I dont' accept abuse anymore....I set and maintain my boundaries now.....I am "ok" being me now.....I am enjoying healthy friendships now.....I am letting go the hate and illwill towards my abusers now.....
NONE of the above, I could have done w/out working my program and ALL its suggestions.....so if a hate filled , self abusing agnostic like I was can find a new and healthy life, ANYONE can.....the only requirement??? WANTING it....REACHING for it....WORKING it......
God bless and take care....

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

When I get really scared for my sons, (you hear me talk mostly about the 20 yr old, but my 30 yr old is also an A) I could just set the materials and books on fire! A true anger, coming from a place of horrific FEAR grips me! I get to the point where one more well meaning word will send me over the edge. I truly feel in those moments that I am alone and that no one else could possibly understand.
It's my child, I'm the mom! Who else could know?

Not bragging about these feelings at all, I wish I did not have them...but there are times!!

It's hard sometimes to hear someone talk about the addict. Conniving, manipulative, calculating...user etc. I know MY SON. Great heart, loving, caring etc. God help me, it's so hard to talk about 'the addict' and when I'm spinning in fear I get angry when someone talks about 'the addict'. That's my son!!!

I probably am not making any sense. I guess I am saying you are alone in that he is your son, and while you have many around you who love and support you, and many who truly empathize....at the end of the day it is MOM and her baby! That is where HP (God) comes in. With Him, I am never ever alone. Even in the deepest rooms of my heart. He is there with me.

I do have understanding, empathy and support....as you know my son left treatment a few days ago. No money, no car, no phone etc. I can offer you a shoulder and an ear. But when it comes to the depth of your pain...those deep inner chambers of your heart...only God can travel with you there! And the good news is this:His love is flowing, His peace is unmatchable, and His understanding is without limit. You are in the inner chambers of your heart with healing....you are with the healer Himself!

Please go easy on yourself.

Btw, I love what everyone shared. My heart broke to read Ness's post. What an amazing person. Through the un fathomable pain you reached out with grace and love. Thank you Ness, and thank you all.

Rose50 · Senior Member

(((((Ness)))))

Thank you. What a powerful share.

Grace7 · Senior Member

I haven't much to add. Except what in the end saved my sons life. I pray, I do read the Bible, that is my spiritual life. To me, it does compliment Al-Anon and the Big Book has much re scripture in it as well for those who like me, pay attention to it. Again, how each on works their program is their own design and work in progress. I was literally watching my son die, wasting away from drugs....it was terrifying. Over the age where I as a parent had any legal right to intervene. I did suspect he brought something stolen into my home. I called our local law enforcement to check it out. A wonderful officer who had trouble with his own son responded. Item was not stolen. But he threw out the life saving ring, that I tossed out, and my son took. He checked his record, found some outstanding tickets. I told him where he could find my son....the longest he would be in jail, was 72 hours if he couldn't post bail. Of course he couldn't! The Hardest thing I ever did in my life! And the best. My son thanks me to this day, 16 years later. He was in jail long enough to scare the tar out of him to know he didn't want to go back. My prayers answered. I always told my kids, I will Always love and support them. But IF they ever end up in jail, do not call me. I would not come bail them out.

I am heart broken for the Mom and Dads who have had to bury theirs. I grieve for you.

To others, do not give up hope. As you see, in the most unexpected way, my prayers were answered. Proof that Anyone here may have theirs answered too. It truly came after I gave all to God (my HP) and took off my "little god suit"....oh how I use to try to help him! Thought he needed it! So not!:)

May peace visit your hearts and take up residence.....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.