The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is my mother's funeral. . My mother will be Greatly missed. Today, however, I know her life held meaning for me .. for us all .. God was good and kept her with us 89 years because that's how long it took us to hear the many messages she carried with her .. her life held a purpose and today has given new meaning to mine.
I'm sad this morning because as I get ready to go and prepare for a reading to share with my family, I recognise even death itself can't stop this dreadful family disease .. When the family comes together is when it comes out. I recognise the disease today on a deep and spiritual level including my own. I wish I could run away from it because it's the effects i am Powerless over.
I have many fears for my future without my mother. Part of my fear is stemming from the fact I am aware there are many hard spiritual lessens for me to yet learn. What gives me hope is if I continue to clean my side of the street, I will continue to prepare a path for God and he will continue to come closer .. Go figure all this time I Still thought I was powerful enough to walk to Him. All I've really been doing is cleaning house; I stand in his way .. He does the changing, i can't change control cure anything .. i can only continue to clean ..
This is also humbling because as I began to type this post, I prepared to mention the families (their) defects.. Ironically, in spite of theirs, what I'm seeing this morning is my own .. I have been walking around thinking my entire family is so selfish because none of them have been thinking of me .. they have been taking care of their own needs first in whatever way they can to survive everything going on .. and I'm seeing this morning how I am the one (go figure) today to say they are so selfish for not putting Me first .. willingness to be teachable .. painful sometimes .. It's as if I'm really saying, "How dare they .. half Lol"
On an even deeper level when I think of this disease as a disease of relationships, I have to think what makes it harder for others to come closer to me ? It's hard to come close when I'm controlling, obsessing, secretly blaming, criticising etc .. I'm not going to be as approachable when I'm feeling so many of the effects of my Own behaviors, thinking, feelings, and vast emotions. Still, awareness comes first .. here's hoping I reach the place of acceptance ..
(( Thanks for being here for me this morning .. )) I was Never secretly grateful before alanon because Nothing ever changed .. This program is all about change and I'm so grateful every time my own perception clears through another member's share .. God really does work through people .. even me somedays ..
(((M))) Carry us with you today. See us sitting with you in support and in understanding of this loss and how it is and will effect you. See us holding tissues for you. See us being with you as you mourn and as you allow all that you think and that you feel rise within you. It is okay to want someone there to tend to you. It is okay to need someone there to tend to you. Let us be candle bearers for you - holding the light of unconditional love and empathy for you.
Thanks for all of your shares .. Elcee I will be carrying you with me and others who Understand, thanks .. That's the beautiful difference .. the wisdom .. when we work it we can share and be sure someone will 'hear what we are really saying behind the scenes .. alanon is a huge treasure box for us all .. just have to keep diving beneath the surface .. I appreciate the support, comfort, and encouragement always in these rooms and outside of them .. in the fellowship .. and above all HP who carries us ..
Oh Metwo2, how close we are. My Father was recently buried just 2 weeks before his 89th birthday. I am an only child and am still crying everyday. He was my rock, stability in my life and my sons. I am So Blessed because of him and I Miss Him SOOO Much!!! I wrote his tribute, and my oldest read it. Kudos to you for doing what I couldn't. I too needed tending to. Its ok. Only, there aren't those around to really do that. The culture here is so different than my home area, plus being an only doesn't leave me with extended family support. Add 10 long ICU days and nights. I was wiped out by the time of the service.
I love what the others said.....I will be lifting you in prayer. The hardest for me came after, with all the many details I had to take on. I shall pray for you extra in all of this too. I offer you the Kleenex and give you permission to cry whenever you need to. How Blessed we are to have had 89 years, a too short 89 years. My head knows it, my heart hasn't grasped it all yet.
I pray a special angel will tend to you at all times! Blessings to you. I hold a candle for you too for the days and weeks to come.
I felt the loss of my mother acutely as I read your share, M22. As is so often true for us, sometimes when we are at our most vulnerable is also when we find our greatest strength. I certainly heard that in your sharing.
I remember imploring my mother to please eat during her last month (I went to feed her every day since otherwise she didn't touch a bite). I asked her, "Mom don't you understand why I want you to eat and she replied, "you don't want to lose me." Which of course was exactly what I heard in your share...I was thinking about ME, "what about what I want" and "what about what I need." I wasn't thinking about what she wanted and needed. I have heard many times that the elders eat little or not at all at the end because the nourishment they desire is no longer of the flesh. When she died a few days later I was blessed to be present. I held her hand for 3 days and the instant she stopped breathing I felt a great joy in the room, it felt like she had been let free like a bird from a cage. I received a great gift that day. I had lost the one person on the planet who I knew loved me no matter what, but I now understand I am a very poor judge of what "should" be for anyone at anytime.
Thank you for the inspiration of your example of what it really means to work a program, day in day out, come what may. We are here for you in love. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
-- Edited by cwya on Monday 30th of December 2013 03:09:42 AM
I still speak to my mother even though it is five years since she passed away. I realise now I can't loose her - she is part of me and still teaching me lessons every day.
Thank you for letting us share your journey with you.
My Mom died about 16 years ago and she, too, still journeys with me. I talk with Mom, too. There are times I listen to her wisdom. There are times I know that what worked for her won't work for me. Relationships can continue beyond the physical in my experience. How are you today, M?
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm inspired by your insights, in the center of your grief you were able to see Gods grace. I sense Gods love and Mercy in what you shared, it was tangible. Thank you for sharing!!!
K
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
. My mother will be Greatly missed. Today, however, I know her life held meaning for me .. for us all .. God was good and kept her with us 89 years because that's how long it took us to hear the many messages she carried with her .. her life held a purpose and today has given new meaning to mine. 
