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I really am crazy, I'm obsessed with my AH husband to the point that if it's not my fear of alcohol it's my fear of cheating. I quit looking for signs of drinking and he has started drinking everyday. I've decided to keep quite and he's brought beer home every night this week. When he starts drinking he starts texting women, women that have had inappropriate contact with in the past. It's a pattern with him, so I look and sure enough two of those women have been in contact all day today. So I know this now and cant keep quiet. I explode, he's angry that I checked the phone bill, I'm angry at the beer and the fact he's talking to them again. Then we fight about ALL of it. He brings up that I'm not thankful, he brings up past arguments. The fact that my family 15yrs ago didn't want us together. EVERYTHING!! We've been fighting on and off it seems every couple of days for the last month. Then he tells me he's tired of me. So what do I do? I apologize, beg him to love me, explain why I act the way I do. His response, it's always about you? I understand his anger, I would be furious to know he's checking up on me but I can't seem to stop. I've read, I received good advice here. AH won't change since he knows I don't want to lose him. I just don't know HOW to not want to lose him. After 15yrs of alcohol abuse, Cheating and lies. I'm begging him to forgive me. Where's my self-esteem? People who know me wouldn't recognize this person. I know I'm not healthy, we're not healthy But I can't get a grip. My 13yr old just asked, so we are drinking every night now? Make him stop. I just tell him. "I can't". I'm starting to think that our history is too much to overcome. After a few beers my AH looks at me like I'm the one who disgusts him.
That just sucks Hope...reality is he has already left you and the body keeps coming back with the same unacceptable behaviors. Been there and done that my alcoholic/addict wife did that and so did the addict before that and the one in between. I never asked the question "what the hell is wrong with me"? until I got into Al-Anon and was taught about "my part in it" "my part in my insanity". I had hope (no pun intended) and no reality...you really cannot buy a loaf of bread at a hardware store as I was taught in the program. If you're not attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area I encourage you to. The hot line number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number as she when and where we get together in your area and there might even be Alateen for your child. You already have mentioned what is contained in our first two steps; the first one "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol...and that our lives had become unmanagable and number two came to believe that the Power Greater Than Ourselves...could restore us to SANITY. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Hi hope, it sounds like you and your husband are caught up in a vicious cycle. I would suggest that you get yourself to alanon meetings, buy the literature and learn about this cycle fast. This will be damaging your self esteem and your son must be so confused. Dont worry, if you are willing this can stop and pretty quickly depending on how much you want it too.
I know that when I was with my ex ah, living in the panic and chaos that it became a weird comfortable place to be, I would feel edgy in the calm waiting for the next crisis to appear. My ex would treat me badly and manipulate me and I would take it and join in. I got out because I thought that if I stay in this then this could be it for the rest of my life. He was not going to stop drinking because I begged, pleaded, cried, was really nice, cooked him his favourite dinner. There are no secret words or actions that you have yet to find that will make him stop, everyone here has tried probably every combination of things possible between us all. You cant get him to stop, ever. You also cant make him drink, you dont have that power.
So, that leaves only the things that you do have power over, thats you. You dont have to react to his behaviour, that doesnt mean fall to bits inside and pretend on the outside to ignore him. It means you can choose what to feel, its like training your mind to stop, stop the panic and fear, look at things logically, rationally, thats where the truth of the matter lies. For example, he is holding you hostage through texting other women, he has learned that he has power over you when he pulls out this trump card, its his magic power that gets you to the place where he wants you. He has the power and control. Think about it as if you were watching from the outside - first what woman in their right mind is going to find your husband attractive? I know this sounds mean but he is a drunk, they are not attractive, just a basic fact. He may have got the attention of another alcoholic woman or a woman with some mental health issues but realistically he is all yours. These women are his tool that he uses to get you on your knees. You can change that, its you and only you who can put an end to this nonsense by not reacting, setting a boundary, calling his bluff, tell him to go and begin his new life with another woman then or tell him there will be consequences if it continues, or you can continue to hand over your power. The choice is all yours. He will keep doing this, while it works, for ever really, why would he stop, it works like a dream. Change is in your hands, not his, hes got life just the way he wants it in many ways, there is no reason for him to change. Its all up to you.
Choices are amazing things, you own your thoughts, he doesnt make you feel like you do, thats your choice. Its all up to you, you have made an excellent decision already, coming here and reaching out, that says you are willing so your on the right track, just keep on it, keep coming back, there is a better life for you if you do the work to get it, you are worth it.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 28th of December 2013 07:49:16 AM
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 28th of December 2013 09:04:07 AM
Hello, Hope. I understand how alcoholism can tear the very fiber of our humanity in ways that make us unrecognizable to ourselves and confusing to others. I also have experienced the changes that can come about for us if we are willing to heed that inner voice that sometimes whispers to us that we don't have to continue to let the disease destroy us. Your choosing to come here tells me that you are listening to the healthy part of your being and looking in the right direction for help. Keep coming back here. Listen to the wisdom that has been shared with you on the board thus far and follow through on its guidance. Try to believe there is hope for you and for your son to create a life that will please you not destroy you. We've been there. We understand. We're here for you.
(((((((((Hope)))))))))) I remember so well, checking the phone bill. I had to get to face to face alanon meetings and get involved. Get a sponsor, do service work. My life changed.
you are not alone. I was recently at a face to face meeting where the topic was not having to live with unacceptable behavior. Of course many of us there voiced some of the unacceptable on our As part, but as I sat there I realized the unacceptable behavior I didn't want in my life was my own. For me that was looking through AHs wallet, email phone etc. even when I found things, as you did, it didn't change the fact that I didn't want to be a person who was going crazy as you describedTheir helped me to know many many people had been or are in the same situation and I hope that's a solace for you too. Try to put that focus on yourself and your teenager. Sending lots of strength and support....
Not crazy. You just 100 percent described alcoholism and the dilemma of an alcoholic marriage. I know this doesn't make it easier, but everything you described is the typical course of how alcoholism progresses and erodes a marriage. It is a sick, insideous disease. He also knows (whether consciously or not) that his tactics of undermining your self-esteem and attacking your insecurities are working. Hence, going to alanon and going regularly would be the best answer so that your feedback starts coming from healthier people. Going to alanon will also allow you to feel loved by people who understand. It will not make him better but it will make you better. Loving detachment will occur when you are not relying on such a sick and disease-compromised person to fulfil all your needs. Let folks in alanon do that so that you can start becoming more whole and feel loved just for being you and feeling loved by your HP. Your AH makes a terrible HP.
You asked "How to I make it so I'm not afraid to lose him?" No work in alanon does that specifically. What it does is it lets healthy people and a healthy spirituality in. When you let more love, health, and spirituality in, you are relying on the sick alcoholic less and then are free to make choices. Sometimes, you build and acquire so much health and support through alanon and the work done in the program, that you do realize you have such abundance that you are not afraid as much of ending a relationship with a sick person because nothing can stop your relationship with your HP and the healthy relationships in the program. Also, you can detach more because there is so much more to your life than the frantic effort to change/cope with alcoholism and it's absurdity. So...in essense, working a good alanon program makes BOTH the decision to stay and/or leave the alcoholic more tolerable.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 28th of December 2013 08:37:21 AM
Hope~thank you for reaching out, this disease is to much for most of us to handle! This share made my heart hurt for yours as I have been here! My husband was addicted to Alcohol & I was addicted to him, it was like he was a drug in my blood, just like I feel I read from you...it is a horrible life to live for sure! We have NO self esteem as you stated and we end up apologizing to them...that is the insanity of our disease! We are highly affected by having lived with & been affected by alcoholism..if you are not attending face to face Al- Anon meetings, I strongly encourage you to run to them, get involved in living the Al-Anon way, those gals will love you until you can love your self and help build your self esteem back up! YOU are worth saving! I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but I promise if you attend Al-Anon your life will be saved, how do I know, because that is what happened to me!! I learned to have good boundaries, one of them was my AH could no longer bring alcohol into our home, he didn't like it, he didn't have to but he had to respect it if he wanted to continue to live with us...with my having been in Al-Anon & my husband in AA, our marriage has been saved & my husband has 10 years clean & sober:) I share that so you know, much like your name, there is SOOOO much HOPE in Al-Anon & I pray you will seek out meetings, keep us posted, we will be praying for you!! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you all for replying, last night was not good. Today was better until I came home an hour ago to find a case of beer in our refrigerator. I had not allowed alcohol in my home for so long and with the Holidays we had family from out of state in. They of course don't realize what I've been living with for 15yrs. So they brought it in, I allowed it, and it's almost like my AH has seen the open door and if flooding me with it. He knows I won't say anything in front of my family. He has no family and that was some how my fault last night while intoxicated. Even though he was an only child and his parents passed 14yrs ago. So I have family showing up again this evening, he is trying to get them to drink with him but they have no interest. I'm hiding in my bedroom trying not to cry, trying not to allow this sickness to play out as it always has in the past. This is where our fighting will start. When I'm unhappy, I don't want to socialize. He says "ooooohh perfect timing, play it up" all done in my ear or in a room out of earshot...but I've not recovered from the fallout last night. I jumped in the shower to hide my tears and red nose/face. I'm just not emotionally strong enough to handle round 2 tonight. He will become very touchy and affectionate with me while he holds a beer in his hand. I can't even look him in the eye, remembering what was said and done last night. I need some advice to get me through tonight. If I allowed a boundary to be overstepped, how can I wake up tomorrow when everyone is gone and tell him..ok..now we are back to no more beer here at the house?
I do want to say by reading your responses, it's helped me stop the tears that were getting ready to fall. Now I just need advice on how to keep the tension down. Enjoy what time I have with my family and not have a fight with him.
I would suggest finding a meeting of Alanon and going ASAP. All I can suggest to avoid arguments is to be cordial and say the serenity prayer to yourself. You dont have to hide your husband's alcoholism or let him touch you. If he is disrespectful to you in front of your family..ie if you say you don't feel like being touched, and he cant handle that then that is on him. He can say whatever...Once you realize and accept it is all garbage, you stop reacting. It's pointless to argue back with a drunk when they start their tirades. Most likely your whole family can see he's a drunk anyhow so don't own his disease, cover for it or be ashamed or be bullied.
Dear Hope,
a big hug goes out to you, because I can exactly feel what you are talking about. been there, done that. it's crazy making. I am still struggling with that myself, for it makes me doubt who i was, am and can be. Yes, Self-esteem, that's a huge part where my focus and work is needed.I tend to forget the disease of alcohol at times, as crazy as that sounds too.....I think it's always all with me....that i should be more flexible, more understanding, more patient..... a thing that worked for me has been writing down the facts, because i can go back reading what I've been through already, for he is good in making me forget the reality of events...i don't know how they do that. but yes, he probably knows my triggers...so now i go back and work on those triggers, that are my own development work. less triggers, less pulling back, more identity, more self-worth..more sanity basically.
I wish you courage and strength to walk through. Keep listening to your inner voice, keep staying with yourself...and if you feel you lost yourself, like i do at times, well work more Al Anon and do more for yourself... don't listen to what he says...I know though it's easier said than done. Be yourself, you are worth it. (I am saying this to myself too right now as encouragement, as I am trying to reformat my life) You are not alone in this.
(((Hope))))
Where's my self-esteem? One of the effects of alcoholism is to lower self esteem .. hard to see it when we're in it .. been there and done that too .. how is this done ? we allow it to be done (to us) we become willing victims and accept all kinds of unacceptable behavior .. the worst ? our own .. the acceptance and tolleration is the hardest on 'us .. and it doesn't seem to help them much because they don't seem to want it sometimes ..
I love what the other typed above about not asking what the hell was wrong with me until I attended alanon .. I always secretly and sometimes openly wondered what was wrong with me too .. what was wrong ? I loved an alcoholic but didn't really see this person as a true alcaholic .. I thought it was about love .. I didn't know I was affected too .. I had much to learn about the disease of alcoholism .. it's not just a drinking disease, it's a thinking disease .. and we become infected too .. our thinking becomes distorted ..
I hope you conssider attending face to face meetings .. they will help .. listening even will help .. I was in a relationship for 13 years .. the 13 year old ? Alateen would be a great help at 13 years old .. I wish I had been given the gift of choosing to attend back when .. Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us .. It's why many of us need a spiritual (not religious) program to get through it .. good luck in this .. you are Never alone .. we understand as perhaps few others can because we Lived it ..
I made it through the night, it's much easier to fake it when you have a house full of people who love you. The focus isn't on him or me. I had a good time playing games with the family and even had s conversation with my brother who lives out of state. He had no idea, what I had been going through but he noticed actions, looks and mannerisms last night. I kept coming back and reading all of the advice and shares on here throughout the night. I did not engage when he tried, I just smiled and went on with my evening. I've just fixed a huge breakfast for my family and he of course is back in bed to take a "power nap". I get that I can't depend on him for my happiness. I'm starting to morn the fact that I'll never have that husband/wife relationship that so many of my friends have with their spouses. I will start my f2f meetings again next week. I had went a few months ago, but quit when things were looking up in our house. Thanks again for all the sharing and support.
I agree w pinkchip in that you do not have to react to things he is saying or doing. I have used the slogans and/or serenity prayer as a mantra when I need to have a positive focus in my head and brain. Sometimes in order to appear that I am listening without getting dragged into any mental mud, I will also look my soon to be ex in the eye while he and the disease are talking and I will have the soundtrack to Grease playing in my head. Go figure... but in all seriousness I also agree that getting to face to face meetings will absolutely help.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds just like the same thing I went through with my AH for so long. I checked the phone bill daily and even called the numbers I found when he was out all hours of the night. Anyway I remember being so scared to lose him. I used to read that it is very hard to lose an alcoholic. I never believed it though. My children were watching me fall apart more and more each day and our house was toxic. It got to the point where I had to make a decision. A good friend told me to step outside myself and look down at the inside of my house from above as though some stranger were looking in. It was very insightful and scary to know that I had been allowing things to go on the way they had for so long.
Once I decided that it was scarier to stay in the messy relationship than to lose him, it was easy to decide. In reality, I had already lost him years ago, so what did I have to lose...just a big alcoholic/addict...but I had plenty to gain...mostly peace and sanity for my kids and me.
So I took the big step...I called a friend who went with me (on my birthday) to my attorney's office and I filed for divorce. It helped to have a friend with me. I got him legally removed from our house and we had some peace and sanity finally.
Well...he lived homeless and ended up in rehab. He is clean and sober and we have since reconciled. Things are not perfect by any means, but we are healing and I am working on forgiving and forgetting which is VERY hard. Still...it was true...it is hard to lose an alcoholic. You just need to be strong and take care of yourself first and always.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Lean on your support system and keep coming back.
I have a happy ending for you.it involves the sobriety of my husband. Once he decided to finally get sober, everything else slowly fell into place. The emails, phone calls, etc. disappeared. Another perk was I had time to work on me and our marriage instead of trying to become Magnum P.I. I had to work hard to put his extracurricular activities in the past as well, and that wasn't always an easy thing to do. He had many other things to work on and messes to clean upjob #1 our family and his career. He has 7 years sober at this point, and he has become an active member of our church. The past 7 years have been wonderful, but not everything is perfect. We are still trying to clean up problems with our kids that started during the drinking years, but I trust that God will keep them in His arms.
I saw this post and saw myself 8 years ago. How did I get through it? Whether he decided to get sober or not, I decided to live my life. I was going to be the best person I could be. I was lurking on here and doing online meetings daily, and I prayed. Truly a miracle! The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. Improve your relationship with God, and take one day at a time. (Sounds simple and corny, but it gets you through.)
I will probably be here more and more due to issues with our oldest son, and I will keep coming back.
Loved the response you guys left, the Grease soundtrack...AWESOME...imom, Mal, Thank you for sharing, it gives me so much HOPE.... I have to say last night, when I realized he had lied to me, I could feel my wheels turning. We had all went out as a family and had fun, he chose to stay home and sleep off the night before. He was "called into work" which happened to involve a local bar. Long story short, he ended up asleep in a chair while we all continued having fun around him. When he woke up at 1am and realized we all had went to bed he got up and came to bed. I had woke up and just told him I loved him, I really did. His response, "What's wrong with you?" I said nothing, I just really love you and want you to remember that. I also no longer want you bringing alcohol to our home and good night, get some rest.
This morning, I went to work he got up and went to work. HE called me at least 4x today wanting to talk, I only returned his missed calls didn't initiate the calls. I was happy, upbeat and didn't bring up him smelling like a bottle of whiskey or beer last night. Usually I call nonstop and see what he's doing. I also had him change the password so I couldn't check the phone bill. I don't want to get ahead of myself, BUT....tonight I get a text from him asking ME what am I doing? I just replied "nothing"......our kids were with friends so I decided to go for a run. Something I've not done in months. Then before I walked out he calls me to let me know he's on his way home from work. I said ok, well, I'm heading to the park.....guess who was home SOBER when I pulled in!!!! Yep!! SOBER...So excited, now, I really don't know if he's drank anything,I've not been close enough to "whiff" and really don't want to know at this time, but I feel sooooo much lighter just by not worrying about what he is doing. He's also been chatty cathy today and the past month has been me begging him to interact with me!
Thank you all for sharing, this was a looooong week but I made it.
Happy for you, Hope! When we take care of our business it often seems to take care of their business, too. At least YOU had a nice evening and you even went for a run! Way to go! Keep it up!
