(((Monogwal))

You have not mentioned if you are attending face to face meetings or not.  If you are not I would urge you to do so.  Alanon suggests that you make no major changes in your life for the first 6 months to a year in program  The reason for this is so that we can regain our balance, be able to put the focus on our needs, know what we want and develop new tools to live by.  

Living one day at a time, focsued on ourselves, trusting a Higher Power  helped me to choose a sane and healthy life for myself and family.

Please keep coming back here as well and sharing.  

I've been in the same boat for the last 18 months or so.  My AGF's drinking was always a problem, and the relationship was always a challenge (a few weeks of great times, followed by a drunken argument...generally about a trivial thing that happened years ago, a week or so of not talking, then reconciliation and the pattern would repeat), but it was more good than bad, so we both stuck with it.  

When I say "trivial," I really mean it...I'd say an actress was good looking, and she'd sulk for days and bring it up every time we'd argue, even years after the fact...she'd accuse me of "cheating," in the Biblical, "lust in your heart," sense of things, but that's really not me, nor has it ever been who I am.  If I think someone's good looking, or in great shape...man or woman...I'll mention it, but I don't see it as any different than saying someone's "tall," or "heavyset."

The end of last summer, everything changed, like a switch got flipped.  Lots of love, affection, and good times, followed by a month of her going out every night with friends, and complete emotional shutdown by her.  Ever since, she refuses to participate in the relationship in any way...no sex, no affection, never wants to spend time together, and when I do get her to commit to a date, she generally cancels at the last minute to do something else.  She spends her day studying (she's taking classes to get into nursing school), on her phone, sleeping all day, or out with friends; many of whom I used to be invited along with, now I never see.  I suspected she was cheating, off and on, but I really am not sure, as she'll go out for weeks at a time, then stay home for weeks at a time...no clear pattern.  She doesn't take care of the house, her kids, me, or even herself.  

She said she didn't know if she wanted to be together, I begged, pleaded, changed things about myself that she complained about (in all fairness, some things probably needed changing, and I'm better off as a result, so not all bad).  I proposed last Christmas, she said, "No."  I set what I thought were healthy boundries, she walked all over them, and I backed down.  Last Spring, she broke it off abruptly; her reasoning was that she found "porn" on my computer.  When I denied looking at pornography, she tells me there were "cookies" from a porn site on the computer history from 6 months ago.  I told her there were lots of ways that could happen, and that there are 2 teenaged boys in the house, but she insisted it was me, and that I was "cheating" on her.  For 3 months, she wouldn't even speak to me, although we were living in the same house.  I kept cooking, getting the kids to school, running them around, and trying to talk to her.  She wouldn't have anything to do with me.  About 3 months later, I gave up.  I started talking to a girl I knew through work...nothing serious, just a bunch of flirtatious texts.  

The AGF flipped out.  Told me I was cheating on her, accused me of neglecting the kids (her kids, whom I've helped raise with her for the last 7 years), said she loved me, and wanted to be together.  I broke off contact with the other girl, we reconciled for a week, then AGF shut down again...her excuse this time was I was insulting to her (based on a stupid joke...her nephew said something about her looking pregnant, I joked that she looked no more than a month or two pregnant).

Summer drags along, with her distant, busy, and passively hostile toward me.  The beginning of August I told her I couldn't take it anymore, and broke it off.  About a month later, I met a girl who shared some interests, met her for coffee, and AGF flips out again...calls the girl and tells her she's wrecking our marriage (?!?  We're not married, or even dating at the time).  AGF tells me she wants to be together, so AGAIN, I back out of the new thing and try to reconcile.  This lasts a week or two, and AGF now says she can't be with me because I'm a "womanizer."

We limp along for another couple months, my birthday comes and goes...no card, no present, not even a fricking song!  She says she forgot.  I'm very hurt and angry, but I don't make a big deal about it.  

2 weeks later, she buys a house and moves out...doesn't even tell me she's doing this...2 days before Christmas.

We spend Christmas morning at her house, but really haven't talked for more than a few minutes since.

She claims we're still together, and that she doesn't want to end it unless I do.  Part of me wants a clean break from her, although a few things are keeping me in:

1) Hope.  As silly as it sounds, I do think there's a wonderful person beneath the disease.  She is going to therapy, and I'm patient enough to see if it works.

2) Kids.  They're hers by a deceased husband, but I consider them my own, love them, and don't want to be "the bad guy who dumped mom."  I think she's already trying to turn them against me, as I can see how distant they've become during the last month or two.  

3) A firm belief in the "don't make any major moves for 6 months/1 year after recovery starts, and I'm just starting.

So amidst all the chaos and uncertainty, I try to stay positive, busy, and productive.  

Didn't mean to respond with such a dissertations, lol, but I find comfort in hearing my issues in the lives of others, as strange as that sounds.