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I posted this dilemma on another support board, too, but I wanted to share here. I have been working on determining the difference between my will and discovering God's will for me.
I had recently decided to separate from my AH. I am now backing away from that decision for reasons that I can't truly pinpoint. I just feel, from somewhere deep inside, that the timing is wrong.
I know the decision to still stay is not out of fear. I am still organizing things, getting finances in order, etc. I know now I am not afraid to leave and I know that I may leave when a boundary is crossed or if I just can't take it any longer.
Some of this stems from the fact that AH is being amiable, which makes living under one roof doable, not fixed by any means. Just doable, for now. Maybe I'm crazy but I feel at peace about this and I think that's all that matters. Many friends have told me to separate anyway, even though he's being nicer. What I've found out is that it's not about him and how he is or isn't, it's about me and where I'm finding a comfort level and peace. When my peace is affected, then I will need to re-evaluate. For now, I am ok with where my journey leads me. Thanks for letting me share.
Maybe you just needed to have a plan b in place to have serenity. I like your question about God's will or our will, its part of step 3 and for me it means not making rash decisions, not acting on impulse, its just doing things in logical order, not getting all mixed up and confused.
I think its too simplistic for anyone to tell you that you should leave, noone else can possibly understand your relationship, its too complex. Maybe, setting yourself up with another option has let you detach in a deeper way that has helped you live in the now, with what you have now. Your relationship is never going to be perfect but if its okay now then enjoy now. Tomorrow may be different but you no longer need to feel trapped and helpless. Its sounds like you are living in his will.x
I haven't left yet but I have plans in place. I feel more secure when I do. It's OK because it's your life and you have to live it my friend......just like me.
(((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 27th of December 2013 04:53:40 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I think true detachment is about doing God's will... touching something deep inside ourselves. I choose to call it righteousness. And the old way was self-righteousness.
With God on our side we are in a much better space to make choices...
Knowing and 'accepting 'that I had choices, even if they were difficult choices, really set me free I do beleive that is what has happened for you and I am happy for you
Thank you everyone for the support. It makes me feel so much better, just knowing that I have support and love no matter which way I decide to go.
Although, AH and I had an altercation earlier today where I realized once again why I have such difficulty getting along with him. As my sponsor said, "Stop expecting a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable person, Bonnie!" Right!!! DUH, I really need that tattoed on my brain because I got caught thinking that he was going to react like a normal person, but just because he's not drinking doesn't mean he's reasonable! Some days I realize that I have a lot to learn!
I think it's always true, as they say: "More will be revealed." If he's willing and dedicated enough that you can live with him and maintain your serenity, as he has been trying to do, then that will be clear as you go forward. If he proves too volatile to make for a happy situation, that will also be clear. Meanwhile you are taking good care of yourself. That's the most important thing!
A very wise long time member of AA suggested to me that I pay attention to my physical body when trying to make decisions , he explained that if I had made a decision and I was calm then it was God's will , if after making a decision it is still rolling around in my head I am practicing my will trying to make it work out the way I want it too. When trying to make the same decision your talking about now , I chose to take a chance knowing finally that regardless of what he did , if I continued to take care of my own needs I was going to be just fine . He is sober 24 yrs and I am just fine . Just a thought Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 29th of December 2013 02:36:33 AM
You are most definitely not alone :) So awesome that you have a sponsor! It took me a looong time to be that vulnerable. Go girl! Life on life's terms... just one day at a time. Oh & I love the saying "God can see around corners I can't"... it's helped me a lot with my Step 2/3.
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"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." --Helen Keller
