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lol. I know, I know, there's no point trying to understand. But ABF has just come home, babbling after 3 or 4 quick beers, and announced that he's very tired, has to start early in the morning and therefore his plan is to stay up all night. After telling me just yesterday that someone was fired for turning up drunk. This part of things doesn't really interest me. It really doesn't matter to me aside from, if he loses his job, he'll be here all the time again and I won't like that very much. Maybe I'll leave. Or ask him to. Who knows. Whatever. Couldn't give a poo what he does, when he sleeps or if he works.
This bit made me shake my head for a few moments though. Instead of washing the oven trays, all of which are now encrusted with filth and living somewhere in his garbage-dump room, ABF has removed the griller base and uses it each night to cook his chicken wings in the oven. (That's all he eats, every night, again, whatever). So the griller cannot be used unless I want to scrub off baked on marinade, which I'm not prepared to do. So he eats in the lounge and wants to talk about new years eve, what do I want to do? "I don't care". I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I'd probably prefer to spend it elsewhere and I most likely will but I don't say that. Can't be bothered discussing plans. What's the point? Here's the bit that had me scratching my head, anyway.
He gets up, points to the filthy griller-base and says "I'll put that in the kitchen in the morning. I promise, it won't be there when you wake up". Then, he WALKS TO THE KITCHEN EMPTY HANDED, GRABS A BEER AND GOES TO HIS ROOM. Instead of just taking the dirty "tray" with him, he leaves it there and makes a big bull-*&^% promise to do it "in the morning". What? We both know that he never follows through on anything he says he will do, no matter how small. But this was weird. What possible logic is there to making a plan to come back and move a dish later instead of taking it with you WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO THE KITCHEN ANYWAY!!! I suspect it has become a game for him. He seems to believe that as long as he says he will do something, it doesn't matter if he ever does it. The feigned intent is sufficient.
He's being very sad at the moment. I just don't have anything to say to him. I don't want to be around him. He carried on like a pork chop this morning because my daughter got up early, walked the dog and gave him a bath...and ABF was woken by noise that can't have been at all loud since it all took place right outside my OPEN bedroom window and I didn't wake up. Never mind that she's a good kid who was doing good things with her morning and deserved praise, not a lecture. Then he woke ME up very rudely to tell me that the car wouldn't start and he would have to get a bus. Thanks for the info. He was very angry about it; somehow it was my fault. After carrying on like a teenage girl at me, he stormed out the door and I actually followed him, opened my mouth to shout something rude at him and caught myself just in time....shook myself and laughed. Why engage? Why argue with madness and try to convince him of his wrongness? Isn't that how I got so sick in the first place? Daughter and I went on to have a really good day. We went to the animal shelter and found just what we were looking for- a teeny tiny little dog , not a chihuahua but a miniature foxy that was super-friendly and had one blue eye and one brown, just like our Bowie. The shelter staff were calling THIS dog Bowie too (that's how our dog got his name- same shelter) and it seems...destined....of course they can't both be called Bowie so this one can be Ziggy we didn't take him home today but if he's still there in a week or so then I think we will. I have to take my dog there and see if they get along before they will let me take him; it's a new rule of theirs to save people adopting dogs and then returning them because there is conflict. Fair enough. Fingers crossed.
Then ABF comes home and is so very sad that I am not thrilled to see him and desperate to cuddle and watch tv with him. He is so determined that his awful behaviour is justified and should be forgotten the instant he wants to make nice. I don't have it in me anymore. The urge to have him be close to me and pretend everything is good between us is gone. I just don't care. There is just this vague dull sadness where the desperation used to be. Maybe I feel guilty for letting him believe that I would always love him, no matter how awful he was to me. Maybe I'm just numb to him now. I don't know. I just know that I don't care very much.
I used to feel afraid when I "didn't care" because it seemed to be a part of a cycle where I didn't care for a little while and then I would fall apart and care a whole lot and be devastated. This isn't that. It's different. Whatever was making me so insane and desperate to be loved by someone who is so crappy to me has faded. I don't fear it coming back and if it does, I think I can kick it's a$# pretty swiftly now.
So, it's nothing out of the ordinary. I feel that twinge of guilt and sadness that I keep rejecting his attempts to be cuddly and attentive, but what's the bloody point? As soon as I relax and feel comfortable with him, he'll turn into Mr Hyde anyway. If I sleep in the same bed as him, he will wake up angry and find a reason to start my day off with insults and tantrums. His mood swings and general unpleasantness have reached a point where I just don't want to interact with him. He doesn't get it and it really doesn't matter; he never will but still, I feel a little sad. There's no way out of this other than for me to be the bad guy and it sucks, sometimes.
So, babble babble. There was no real point to this post other than to remind myself that this is all pretty normal, OK, and I have good reasons for keeping my distance and not playing pretend anymore.
Good things are coming, I can feel it but there is still a lot of muck to clean up along the way.
Thanks for letting me ramble. It helped me clear my head, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone else.
I hear you Melly and can really relate to those changing feelings - it leaves me feeling pretty confused. Once upon a time I used to be thrilled at the gift of those good moments but now I view them with suspicion - it is so sad on the one hand but totally reasonable on the other I guess. As you say, good things are coming
Thanks, Paula.
Am I over-posting just detailing the little things? Perhaps I am but I'm seeing a pattern which is really clear and significant.
For example....Christmas. I go off alone, have a wonderful time and feel very happy and free. Life is good. Then I come home and feel worn down by all of the petulant nonsense and "look at me, I'm suffering ever so much" from the ABF. I feel overwhelmed, so I write it down here and remind myself of all of the good things, and how happy I was before I came home to his misery. I feel better.
Today, I have a great day of summer holidays with daughter. It ends with her lying on my bed watching tv while I clean out my drawers and throw out unwanted clothing. We are happy, chatting and laughing. ABF comes home, overwhelms me again with his misery and "poor me" and also outlays his plans to make another really, really stupid financial decision that he is going to deeply regret and moan about for the next 2 years at least. I cannot even believe how stupid it is. But I tell him "OK, whatever you like" because I just don't care anymore. I feel suddenly tired and sad, so I sit down to write it out and remind myself of the positives. And I feel better.
Seems like an alright pattern to be in just now. much better than my old ones, anyway
Exactly milkwood. Glad u understand. I have come to a point where I truly don't want to share those "good" moments with him any more because the price is always far too high. It's so sad that he considers this extreme love/hate to be a normal relationship, but I guess I did too, before. Now it just makes me feel very tired.
Melly, its amazing to me that we can live in this darkness and not even know it at the time, you have came out into the light like I did too and it brings with it lots of emotions, for me, I was so angry for a while, elated that I could face the truth of my life and also sad that he was in the dark and may always be. The truth does set us free, its amazing to me.x
Thanks el-cee. It IS amazing. I don't feel angry...maybe I will eventually but at the moment I just feel relieved. I lived in such a sad twisted place for so long where all I cared about was having a partner and making it into the greatest romance ever written.....(and that's so funny and sad when you look at the awful relationships I have lived in). I definitely feel elated to be able to see things more clearly now. And yes, sad for him that he very well may live in the dark forever. And that I let him think that I would live there with him forever, too. There is unmistakable guilt over that. I let him be the centre of my universe for so very, very long. In a way, I feel as though I used him to get better. Of all of the dysfuntional guys I have been with, he is the worst of the worst; abusive and an absolute slave to his addictions... and I wonder if, somewhere deep inside me, I didn't choose this as a way to force myself to a desperate place where I had to either seek help or die...
I so understand where you're coming from, Melly. I reached that same place with both my x and my son's diseases. I had to find something to live for besides for them. I had to find a way to detach that was right for me. I, too, wait for the rest of the story - which for me in relationship to my son - are promises not to be kept followed by what I can do to make his life more comfortable and the revenge that comes when I say "no" to the disease. I know it is his disease that is playing itself out - a reality that I can do nothing about and don't trust it to do or to be anything than what the disease does and is. I trust myself to get out of the way of it and to find ways to think and feel that help me be me and not what the disease would like me to be. I realized one day that when I die (and I do believe in life after this life) my HP wouldn't ask me who loved me and how did they treat me? I would be asked how I had loved me and how I had treated others? Keeping the focus on myself and how I treat me has helped me keep my mouth shut when it benefited me to keep quiet and speak when it benefited me to speak. Your care for yourself and for your life keeps shining through your posts. I like what I see. Thanks for the share, Melly.
and I wonder if, somewhere deep inside me, I didn't choose this as a way to force myself to a desperate place where I had to either seek help or die...
When I read it, I said "yes, take it deeper now". Don't let this one go!
I believe, that, no matter how strong you become, just by being around him, you will get pulled down; even if nothing is said between the two of you. We are affected on levels we cannot see or hear, but we feel them. You are an amazing woman....surrender to that amazingness and go do great things with it.
I think most women here made that promise or vow at some point and the alcoholics in our lifes also made these promises to us, we all meant what we said at the time, but they were made without being fully aware of the truth. For me, its more important to be good and loving to myself, doing the right thing for me. I have never took care of myself or valued myself until now and ive got amends to make to myself. While you are growing and changing he will be learning too.x
And I want to acknowledge you are doing great things now...your daughter sounds amazing and you have provided much humor/healing for us through your writing
It's very new, learning to care for and about myself.
If I can touch on a bit of darkness, (sorry, it's unpleasant) I was very mired in self-hatred for most of my life. I positively mutilated myself for years and have so many ugly scars now that no longer repulse me but instead make me feel like being very gentle with myself. Its so new and so precious. When my daughter was young, I repeatedly came to a dark place where I...actually truly believed...that her life would be much better if I died before she was old enough to remember too much about me. I can't fathom that sadness and self hatred now, even though it was with me for most of my life. I was my own worst abuser. I was positively brutal.
And then somehow, one day, I read something about "teaching your child to be happy by being happy" and, as absurd as it sounds, I had never even considered the idea before. It made sense. It was a way out. If I couldn't love myself for me, I could love myself for my daughter. She was the very first thing that I ever cared about and my very first reason to try.
Several years and a lot of baby-steps later, I feel like a fish that has learnt to ride a bicycle. I remember reading somewhere that "codependance is the only addiction that can actually be fun to recover from" and for me, it totally is. I feel so much joy every time I have an "alright day" lol. Or when I come through a conflict without getting upset or falling into darkness. And most especially, when I spend time alone and enjoy it. That gives me such a warm fuzzy feeling that I feel like I have won the lottery or something. I'm like 'look at me! All comfy on the couch watching Dexter and feeling happy all by myself!! Yay me!!" lol.
So, I celebrate a lot when I am kind to myself because it's just such a bloody cool new trick. And I take so much joy in just celebrating life with my daughter, laughing a lot and never mind if her hair isn't tidy or she stays up a bit too late or we don't have a perfectly structured routine or a perfectly tidy house. As long as we are happy, and we have fun, and we have goals and things to look forward to, I feel like I am teaching her the best lessons that I have to offer.
You're right, el-cee. I was as clueless as him when I met him. I can't blame myself or feel guilty for growing, even though he hasn't. I don't know if he will ever be able to; he just says and does the same things over and over with no evidence of real consciousness. Its like there truly is no-one at home anymore. I often imagine that the guy I fell in love with died and his addictions are just animating his corpse, running him around and using his body to achieve their own means. A bit morbid lol, sorry. I don't feel as though there is anyone alive in there anymore. It's sad. Sometimes I think I should gather the things that remind me of the good times- photos, tickets stubs I have kept etc, and bury them and have a little funeral for "what was". I may do that, when it ends. And I can't see it doing anything other than ending. I did love him once, when there was something alive inside of him.
Good stuff here, Melly. Sharing your insights is helpful to all of us. There was a time when my kids were little, I thought they would be better off being cared for by someone other than me. Both of us acknowledging this on a public forum can help others know they are not alone if they are harboring these kinds of thoughts. I felt so much shame at the time.
I know what you mean, taking care of ourselves, wow, what a concept, I often have to think of myself as another person in order to look after myself, maybe, its my inner child. I have never been good to myself, and like you it was due to low self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and this probably got me addicted to my alcoholic, he was unattainable so therefore you cant lose what you havent got, like attachment disorder or something. I like that you began making yourself happy in order to mske your chikd happy, I dont think you can go wrong living that way. Unfortunately, all this recovery has came too late for my childrens childhood, they are 22,20 and 16 now but my new attitude is having a positive affect on them.
Also, I love dexter too and enjoying my own company. Yay for us.x
It's totally a good trick. If I try to make myself happy for me, I can easily second guess myself and decide that I don't really deserve it. If I am making myself happy for my child, well I can't very well decide that SHE doesn't deserve it. There's no way out. Neat, huh?
Yay for us indeed!
Thank you for this post Melly - I'm learning a lot from it.
I'm the opposite to you - I've been wearing rose coloured glasses and giggled through life up until four years ago. Since then I've felt the cold touch of depression and I've felt the anger that Elcee described. I don't like it much I'm thankful for the knowledge that I know what it feels like to have those bubbles of joy in my system and I refuse to stay down in the dumps though. Yay for choosing the good things in life and rising above the rest!
I'm also mindful that...my daughter is the centre of my universe. She was my reason to wake up and start learning how to live. We are so close and I enjoy our precious time together so much. But she has to grow and live and become her own person. If I'm gonna see this job through properly, I have to build a life for myself that will make me happy when she flies away and becomes independent.
She told me once, when she is grown she would like to live in another country. "Maybe China". I felt, for a moment, as if she had plunged a knife into my heart. Well who knows what she will do or where she will live but in that moment I saw myself, 20 years older and crying at the airport "how can you leave me" to my sweet independent grown girl. The image made me shudder.
She's given me so many reasons to be good to myself. As you said, el-cee, I have to see myself as another person in order to care for myself...you try to look after your inner child- for me, it is "taking care of my child's mother".
Sweet little thing- from the moment I knew she existed I felt as though she was an angel sent to me. I was so very lucky. She was a very easy baby.
For the first 2 weeks of her life I was so exhausted and in quite some pain from her emergency-birth and she slept through all night, every night for 10-12 hours without waking. Just lay contented beside me with what I swear was a little smile on her face. I would wake every couple of hours to check that she was still there and I couldn't even believe that she was real.
It's one of those paradoxes people have been discussing on here. I don't really care for myself with real conviction (although it becomes more real the more I fake it) , but I care for my daughter and in order to care for her, I must care for myself until the end of my days. Even when she turns 14 and decides that she hates me.
I mourned my marriage for a very long time with my exAH before I took any action, until one day it made sense that I deserved more for myself and my girls. Awareness, acceptance and then action. I hear growth here, keep up the good work! All your posts don't have to be entertaining, although you are quite the writer no doubt! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Nonsense! Non-entertaining posts like these are a personal failure to me!!! lol Sorry for the random train of babble. Daughter went to her dads this morning for her week away, which has now been negotiated into a 13 days away Sleep last night was impossible. I just managed 1.5 hours early in the morning and when I woke up she was gone; her dad had come early and I already know, she didn't want to wake me so she just ran out to the car and left without saying goodbye. Great freaking timing. Damn, that hurts. I'm...possibly less ok with the prospect of 13 days here all by myself than I thought I was....no-one but the ABF for company...and he's always super-mean when he knows I am alone and vulnerable...although I don't have to actually tell him daughter is away, it's not like he will notice...there's an idea, not being sarcastic but he actually won't notice if I don't tell him. No point showing him my weaknesses eh? If he ever asks, where's the girl, I can just tell him "away for the night". No point giving him ammunition. Mother and stepdad are away holidaying as they always are during holidays times so there's no-one to reach out to... Breakingfree, I know you just made a huge sacrifice allowing your daughter to be away from you for a very extended period and you also manage without family so I must sound like a gigantic sook...Nut Up Mel. Yep. Sorry lol. Time to practice what I have preached. Daughter is away having fun. How will I look after me for 2 weeks? How can I make it productive and awesome instead of just hanging in there and enduring it this time? Those are the important questions right now.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 27th of December 2013 07:08:01 PM
You are growing and are no longer in denial . That is huge and powerful. Seeing the patterns, accepting them, and deciding that it might be a good idea to explore changing them is what this program is all about
One thing I've noticed that is very similar in us Melly is that the cutting down of the diseased person can be fun and comical and the sarcasm can take your mind to new heights and your writing can get super incredible and fun.... BUT.... the down side to it for me was that I literally had to 'come down' from it because after a while it struck me like a cold brick to my thick skull that every single put down I had for that person who simply had a disease, was actually another cut at myself. It took me a lot of guts to ask myself 'why was I really with this person?'. Every time I put them down, I was only putting myself down for being that person who was sick enough to be with them and 'put up' with them. And why was I calling it 'putting up with'. That's not what it was! It was enabling! I was no better. If I truly loved this person - I would set them free to find the bottom they needed to live. But I couldn't overcome my own selfish needs to keep them yet... because I didn't truly love me - or believe a HP truly loved me. I met my faith in the 12 steps. That's what they are there for. If I truly loved me - I needed to set me free to find the bottom I needed to truly live. I could not keep this distraction from myself in my life forever. I was wasting precious God given days away just totally addicted to the distraction of a diseased person! WHYYYYY?
Doing the steps allowed me the opportunity to see why. To look at me and ONLY me.
It was all fun and games la dee daing around it. Many people gave me lots of validation and enabled me to continue my distraction - really only keeping me from my bottom - but as it turns out... eventually I figured out I couldn't hold up the act forever. And just like you - it was because of my kids. If I didn't deserve better - they sure did. I could see in my own little daughter, the codependency already starting. The need to 'cheer me up' and what not. I'll never forget the day I explained to my daughter that I was responsible for my own feelings, and while I thanked her for the hugs and kisses and stuff... to STOP because I was capable and GOING to take really good care of my feelings and get myself back to good... and ALL she had to do was be a kid and take care of herself and PLAY!
She was elated. I'll never forget the look on her face. All that responsibility lifted off her shoulders. The responsibility I carried around for 32 years - I was NOT going to pass that sort of living on to her! My father had alcoholism. I never had anyone teach me how to NOT be responsible for internalizing it as my fault. No one ever told me I didn't have to make things all better. No one ever told me that when he ignored me it was because he felt so awful inside he couldn't bring himself to be around anyone... probably feeling so awfully spiritually sick, that I would be better off without him. But to me it looked like: I'm bad. I'm not wanted. I'm not loved.
When I went on to search for men who would continue this cycle and reassure me of this my entire life - I didn't know that my upbringing had set the stage for that. That it wasn't 'my fault' but rather just something I wasn't aware I was doing yet. When my ex boyfriend killed himself over our terribly codependent relationship and me breaking free - He left a note and blamed it on me - that it was because I left him - and I BELIEVED HIM! I was still responsible for other people's feelings at that time! Only 21. I didn't know I wasn't suppose to be! There was a lot I didn't know - but I felt... yes I was feeling - all of it - all the while not knowing how to think about it or cope with those feelings.
It came out in ways like you describe - ways to numb out - distract me from me - control my surroundings to make them safe - pity myself and badmouth everything to give me a boost. But that boost was over the minute my mouth shut, because all I was doing was putting myself down, and I was listening. I was always with me where ever I went. While I was cutting sick people down to make myself feel better... It was ME who was still making the choice to treat another person badly by badmouthing and sarcasm. That never once made me feel good about me so the spiral continued downward. What I learned here was that if I treat someone unkindly - or speak badly of them, no matter how sick they are, I'm only really hurting myself... because I feel bad about myself. It never feels good to kick a sick person while they're down for long.
I began to think before I would speak. I knew I could be different when I listened to other recovery stories. I wasn't a bad person on purpose. It's not who I was meant to be. I had some grieving to do over lost time, and then onward to recovery and solutions was the only way. The answers were in the steps. Looking at ME and only ME. The more I gave in to my addiction of the addicted person - the sicker I got. The more I focused on me - the healthier I got.
Then I realized that the more I took other people's lives away from them with my addiction to addicted people - by complaining and being bad to myself constantly - the more I realized I could replace that with good. I had used up a lot of time for this addiction! I could now make a great change and ripple effect with healing and love and new spiritual tools! If I put in as much effort to being a better person as I did to my addicted person and my addiction to them - I could really make some fantastic progress! And I did! And you know who really truly benefits? My kids... grand kids and so on. The cycle can be broken! They don't have to keep passing down what was passed down to me for generations upon generations. I'm sure the dysfunction in my family goes back for ever. How cool is it that I get to be the breaking point where things start going in the other direction! That can be YOU! You're almost there! Now is as good of time as ever! You can make lasting changes for you - that can last for generations to come! Isn't that amazing? You are an important part of our recovery family, and you have all the power inside of you right now. Just for today - in this day - you can make a different choice.
With support, With focusing on solutions, With a sponsor and Step work - I could change my focus for myself - and I did. I know you can too.
Actually Tasha, I tend towards trying to find some humour in the situation these days because it's a lot better than being sad or angry. Not because it's great fun or I enjoy "cutting down" anyone. In fact this post was an attempt to keep my focus on myself and not let the goings on around me upset me. Self-pity and badmouthing everyone around me...really not me at all. What a shame you've gotten that impression. Nor do I make a habit of kicking anyone when they are down.
But trying to see the funny side of things when talking here, in a safe place with people who have been through it? Sure. I find that lightens my mood and helps me deal more calmly...and even compassionately with ABF and anyone else that I might struggle to understand, including myself.
Thanks for your share.
we didn't take him home today but if he's still there in a week or so then I think we will. I have to take my dog there and see if they get along before they will let me take him; it's a new rule of theirs to save people adopting dogs and then returning them because there is conflict. Fair enough. Fingers crossed.
Sleep last night was impossible. I just managed 1.5 hours early in the morning and when I woke up she was gone; her dad had come early and I already know, she didn't want to wake me so she just ran out to the car and left without saying goodbye. Great freaking timing. Damn, that hurts. I'm...possibly less ok with the prospect of 13 days here all by myself than I thought I was....no-one but the ABF for company...and he's always super-mean when he knows I am alone and vulnerable...although I don't have to actually tell him daughter is away, it's not like he will notice...there's an idea, not being sarcastic but he actually won't notice if I don't tell him. No point showing him my weaknesses eh? If he ever asks, where's the girl, I can just tell him "away for the night". No point giving him ammunition. 