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I have not heard from my son. But I have said to myself.. I cannot help him.. He had to want it!!! I'm saying the serenity prayer every minute. I think about how much my daughter needs me!! I last told my son I live him and will be here for him when he is healthy and sober.. I told him I have lots if faith in god.. N lots of hope in him. I pray for me and my family and for god to protect him and guide him.. My son knows where to go for help.. He knows the tools to sobriety. But I'm still scared. But I ask my higher power to help me over come that fear. My son is not dumb.. Addicts are actually really smart. I don't know if him saying he is suicidal was a cry for some kind of help. But I asked him if he is at the point I will drive him to the doctors and he will get the help he needs. He still said " I'm 21 and let him live his life "!! Well I don't know how to really look at all this with him. I said call me at least to let me know your ok. He said " how about I don't call you at all " !! I'm sorry all I talk about is how I'm feeling. My sponsor is too busy now with other things. My ala non meetings are not as strong as I wish they would be and I reach out to others and they help me get through the moment. I need me to be strong. I need me better healthier all across the board.. I just need feed back on how others can look at this and what would they do. Death for him is a fear to me.. But I say " god I surrender and can't fix nothing only you can and I hand him over to you"!!! I need to find me a good Sponser.. And stronger ala non meetings.. Please any esh , advice, your experiences would help me. To see how I can handle what I'm going through. Thank you
I think it's ok to be afraid Gaby. Courage is doing the right thing even when you are scared as hell.
If he says he isn't ready, you certainly can't make him be ready. When he is ready he will call or even get help without calling. One minute at a time, you will get through this evening. Keep praying. And you will know you are a courageous person when you get through it.
Gaby, I dont' want to sound insensitive, or lacking in compassion, but when i lost my job, had hardly any work coming in, biggest client had to let me go becuz his wife's MS got worse and he needed the money to save up for her MRI's and treatment, I was in a STATE...my livlihood was on the cliff's edge...it is as scary as it gets when you cannot meet your bills and needs....
and i posted and posted about my fears, and my pain and my how I was feeling and my sponsor got on me and said
Neshema, to help you turn this over, GET OUT OF YOURSELF and either help at a meeting or post on your boards and read OTHER peoples needs for ESH and GIVE it .....even if it is a HUG....but she told me to "GET OUT OF YOURSELF"
it was hard becuz i was obsessed about my problems, my pain, my feelings, but i took her advice and soon i began to feel better, more clear headed, less stuck and I was coming up w/ideas on how to fix this and things I could do , emergency stuff, to keep me going until i could bring in more business... and i darn sure in the process was releasing me from my ongoing drama and things began to pick up becuz I was helping others and by default detaching from my crap....
I do it all the time and HP blesses me with a help for MY need becuz I am willing and doing my 12th step......
JUST saying.......take what you can use and dump the rest............
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
He's going to do what he wants to do. He's not causing your pain you ou are do it to yourself. Your obsessing is doing nothing to help only hurting you. Have you read anything that has been suggested? It helped me so so much in the beginning. Please read anything and everything you can get your hands on.
Getting them Sober vol: 1
Don't let your kids kill you
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Please read them....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((((Gaby))))...When my eldest son was 19 I had to practice what I was being taught (some of it was what Neshema spoke of) because he was out there...way out there and I was getting phone calls regarding the police and stabbings and gang fights and all kinds of crap as a result of his choices. These I learned were sinister invitations for me to jump back in to caretaking and power and control and all of the other enabling behaviors I knew so well. He never complained of suicidal ideation and stuff like that but from my practice staying out of his mess he got the message and started becoming responsible for the choices he was making...they were not good and I was not taking a part. I was practicing detachment as the program was teaching it and found it to be an art form when worked well. I let go of fear and anxiety when I started trusting my Higher Power completely and was no longer handcuffed to his life. I got out and away with the exception of occasional social function which ended each time with letting him go completely. He has owned his life and his present consequences are his own. At 48 years of age he has relapsed and shattered his family all over again. I get urges at times to insert my program however I've been reminded as soon as yesterday at my home group and the page of the day; Dec 25 in the hope for today that "Serenity is...the space between the impulse and the action...accepting what is...
If you have the literature you have some of the tools...Read daily and do the other actions also...HP, Sponsor, meetings, etc. This program works when you work it. In support.
You may not be feeling it but your post here sounds stronger than others I have seen before. It sounds as if you are taking steps to recognise what you need and learning to let go and to give your son trust as well. So for all of this I send you hugs and smiles. Well done.
Some things that have helped me in the past are activities that have helped to calm my nerves - because this process of change is stressful. I don't think that we are used to thinking of ourselves and the behaviour that best serves our circumstances often feels quite counterintuitive. And that is stressful!! Some of the things that I do now include -
Meditation - sitting and listening to my breath. Letting thoughts slide away. I'm not very good at it, but even a few minutes a day have made a huge difference to how I handle things.
Yoga - for me this is a more physical way of doing meditation - and having some physical disciplines to think about helps to keep me focused on myself.
Exercise - I live in a very hilly area so walking is good exercise. It also helps because I see life carrying on around me - the colours of nature, the farmers doing their thing. Even when I'm back in a big city I still go out for walks and people watch.
Treats for me - a scented bath, a new hobby, clean sheets, flowers on the table, painting (which is my great escape!) etc
Treats for others - this is my new way of indulging my natural instinct to give. We have elderly neighbours around us and since I'm english living in Italy I enjoy baking traditional english foods and introducing them to my neighbours (I guess that fuels my subversive tendencies ) I've also taken up patchwork and made patchwork Christmas presents for the ladies that live nearby.
Time out - Sometimes I get a bit tired and grumpy filling my time with distractions so from time to time I give myself a pottering day when I don't have any 'must do' tasks. I might call a friend and drop by for a coffee or clean out a cupboard or just flop and read a book. The key is that there is no agenda at all!
I hope that some of these notes help you to think about the things that you enjoy doing. When I stopped worrying about my husband I had quite a big gap that I needed to fill between my ears to stop the obsessive thinking so I've adapted that old Microsoft slogan 'where do I want to go today?' I still get stressed, I still get grumpy and I still get depressed - but I am learning and life is better now than the blind panic that I felt in the past.
powerless over your son sounds like he is asking you to let him be an adult.
Is your life manageable mine wasnt I was too busy with my A's. Hand over what is not your to Hp.
Sounds like you answred your own question you say ypu need a new sponsor and to find more meetings, sounds like a good place to start to me.
My books are where I learn true Al anon there is so so much al anon literature I love it and I got healthier my meetings got stronger and healthier, we all play a part.
) I've also taken up patchwork and made patchwork Christmas presents for the ladies that live nearby.