The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short, I called 911 on December 3 in order to enter my home after a disturbing call from my A. I had been staying at my mother's since June helping watch her and finding an assisted living place for her with my sister and preparing her house for sale. I entered the home with police and an ambulance after hearing my A husband tell me he had cut his foot seriously. We found every room in the house littered with blood and my A husband in bed in sever withdrawal and a bloody sock on his foot. He was taken to the hospital screaming from the DT's. This was the end for me dealing with my A for 10 years---the last five really bad. My daughter and I then took over the home, rented a cleaning machine and did the best we could removing all the blood throughout the house. I did not visit A in hospital, but tried working with him and a social worker to either get him released to rehab, get emergency housing for him and to try to help. He refused all efforts for help and I dropped off clothing at the hospital when he was released. I had told him to go to a motel and left his wallet and $15.00 for a cab and his credit cards. Again, long story short, I went to court and got the restraining order I had changed to a temporary stay away order. He still showed up at the home and tried to get in with his bandaged foot two times and I turned him away. He still keep calling to try to get back in home despite the stay away order. But it became unbearable to me. Then a tow truck he arranged came so he could try to get a car in my driveway that I found he had cashed in a life insurance policy to obtain without my knowledge. Cops arrived. But I had found out I can claim that I was seeking a divorce and it is part of marital property obtained during the marriage. I did want an A on the road as well since he had already totaled two vehicles inside of a few months. But the calls continued and I had him jailed again. I also ended up in the hospital because I thought I had had a heart attack. It was all stress related. So I am really hurting knowing that he spent Christmas Eve and day in jail and I haven't bothered calling him. My daughter and I are in survival mode at this point since the debt he left me endangers the food, heat, light, phones, internet and water in jeopardy, not to mention the bank that calls me all the time. I do have friends and family that support me in this decision. But it is hard to turn my back on a human being that I have a 30 year marriage with. I want the stress and guilt to disappear. I don't want to look back but it is hard to do. I need to look back somewhat to remember the damage he has done to me, my daughter and my home and to keep remembering how his alcoholism has damaged us emotionally. I am working to repair my relationship with my daughter. But it is hard to do this without remembering that he was not always like this and there were many good times in the past.
(((((Hugs)))))) Donna
That is a lot of stress to handle and a strong reminder of the ghastly behaviour that alcoholism creates. It sounds as though you have managed to take lots of 'best action' steps through a difficult ordeal and I hope that you can also take some time now to take good care of yourself. Like you I have been married for 30 years and there have been many happy times as well but I must admit that alcohol has very sadly change that balance in recent years. I really like the way that you are taking responsibility for your life and giving your husband ownership of his responsibility as well. Wishing you peace and tranquility.
You are blessing him by removing any obstacles between he and the God of his understanding....he can pick up that tin can with the waxed string and talk directly to his HP (reminds me of that Progressive soup commercial). I have heard of many enlightening moments happening while ones cheek is lying on the cement floor of a jail cell. Pray that the highest good be done for him and a powerful act you will have participated in on his behalf. Take good care.
What a lot of stress for you. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time of it. The chaos swirl about us for awhile but not forever with continued work in Al-Anon. Sending you lots of encouragement and support.
WOW, Donna, good on you taking care of you can daughter and ya know?? if we leave them to their own devices and let them alone to learn their lessons, they sometimes hve to body slam on the concrete before they reach out for help, but the brave thing(s) you did, you might very well have been the instrument to save his life.....and that is how i hope you look at it
there is NOTHING one can do w/an alcoholic or druggie who does not want help, but to let them fall....let them face the karma and hope it is hard enough to drive them into recovery.....if we enable them?? they won't think they have a problem bc in the past I absorbed my A's and yea, they did't have problems because I was absorbing them.......then i got tired and dropped all the balls i was juggling.....A#2 was in navy and still "functioning" enough so he didn't cause trouble, but A#1 did....he crashed cars, lost jobs, needed help all the time.....I am sooo glad i am out of that mess.....
some get help...some don't.....its out of our hands....what IS in our hands is US...OUR lives...OUR peace...OUR safety.......and it sounds like you did a hell of a job in that direction.........its tough at first, but it gets better as you go.........life WILL get better for you.....for sure.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Donna... I am really new here and not sure how much comfort I can offer yet just wanted to say I have been through similar things in my 23 year marriage. I understand the pain your feeling however at the same time I admire the strength you posess and display. As one other said here you did the right thing and got of the way so your husband can find his own path to God as he understands him because this is something he has to do on his own if it is to be real and lasting. While I am sure this one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, at least emotionally, it took strength, courage and most of all faith. While I think looking back is pretty common, I as well find it hurts, the "if only this or that's" run through my head, blaming my a or blaming myself, feeling guilt...guilt over something I have no control over, did not cause and definatly cannot cure, however I am finding that forgiveness of those that hurt me, forgiveness of my self and letting go and letting god do his work do ease that pain significantly. I know god is listening to your prayers for your husband, your self and your daughter.
Aloha Donna wish I had a magic wand that I could use especially for you and others to "fix" things (back ground music of If I ruled the world). Reality of course is I wouldn't be that good looking a fairy god mother not to mention father. This disease sucks loudly and still I hear you've got the awareness and moxie and experience to do the right thing...holding into the TRO process is major courage. I use to write those for other women in your situation and the ones who held to it had the most success...hold to it.
I you want just a bit of a change of perspective...try looking at the situation that you're not turning your back on him...you're turning your back on his behaviors...if the behaviors where not there (wish) the consequences would not be either (reality). Hang on to your program and if you're not doing face to face Al-Anon groups...look in the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number. Call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area and get there as early as you can. Keep coming back here also...you're family ((((hugs))))
I have been where you are and it does hurt. Just remember that you have no reason to feel guilty because he did this to himself. You are simply doing what you need to do to provide for yourself and your daughter. I'm glad you have supporters on your side because it is easier to get through these times when you have people supporting you. Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing. Your daughter is learning how to be a strong woman by watching you.
I need all the help and strength I can get at this point. It is even more difficult since my mother passed away yesterday. She was 84. I can't wait until tomorrow morning to call insurance company. It seems the plans we have made for her for a memorial service may have to be canceled because her life insurance policy does not cover the costs. Not sure at this point and all those I contacted with the plans may have to be re-called so no one shows up and no one sends flowers. I have asked my mother, in heaven, to please pass on her strength to me and to understand if we have to postpone her memorial services according to her wishes until the Spring. Please say a prayer for me the policy has something hidden in it so we can go forward. Meanwhile, I have not contacted and told my A husband in jail and that hurts also. I just found out he has a court date on the third and I don't want him to plead to get out to attend the service if we are lucky to have one on the fourth.
You have my deepest and sincerest sympathies for your loss. I believe that your mother is watching you and protecting you. She will always be there for you. Good luck with your memorial plans. I hope it works out the way you want it to. Don't try to do everything on your own. There are always people in your life who you can turn to in times of need.
Take care of yourself first and always.
