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i told him it's cold outside! He would have nowhere to go. I prayed for him over the phone and that was about it. I did try to get him to see that we all have bad moments....but then we get through them...not run from them. I asked him what his other choices are? He said I promised if he did not like it there I would pay for a place....which I did not say. I asked him why he wanted to leave, he said because they wanted him to do something he did not want to do. I asked what it was and it was no big deal, he just has a hard time with rules. So, I reminded him of his options If he leaves. He hung up on me. The place called me back, he decided to stay....for now!
the emotional ups and downs I went through tell me I still need to LET GO AND LET GOD! I'm angry and tired and scared. I'm sad. I am POWERLESS over this. This is HIS recovery, not mine! I have to trust that God is with him, loves him etc. and I have to LET GO AND LET GOD.
i need hope, so my hope is in Gods ability to do what is needed in my sons life. I cannot put my hope in a specific time, place, event or desire. I have to step back and big picture this rather than micromanage with a magnifying glass! Every time I get my hands in this it backfires! Why do I think that I know what is best for him in HIS recovery???? I don't! I'm reacting in fear and doubt. I'm having knee jerk codependent fear fueled reactions. Panic thinking! This is not what will bring me peace.
So, I'm stating these things because I need to hear me say them. I am not in charge here. both of us cannot drive the car....(metaphorically) it's his car....I need to get out of the drivers seat and stop my back seat driving!
God, help us!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
You are doing good Katy. No matter what we have to let go. My son is OK for the moment but I know there will be something coming down the road. I'm taking this time to lean on al-anon and use the tools provided to me.
We all wish .... OK... this is it. They are going to get better. But in reality it doesn't work that way. Unless they are fully committed to a program nothing will change. Actions not words will let me know..
Take care of you and live in the moment....your not alone
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Katy I know those feelings all to well. It just happened to me last week and again I fell in my sons manipulation. AGAIN!! But this time he left again and I can't go looking for him no more. I have no energy in me and I have to leave him in gods hands. Regardless of the outcome. I just have to have the faith I faith. 2 months ago my son was the man that god has intended him to be. Now the devil took him back. But I have hope my son will get back into recovery or some type of help before its to late. I have to move out of gods way and allow him to do what needs to be done .. I'm not god and I am powerless. You are not alone. Many prayers.
Prayers for all. I can remember a time in my own life when I could no longer run from myself and my true feelings and thoughts. Its as if my HP set it all up so there was absolutely no way to escape. It was my first self-encounter. It felt brutal. It felt scary. It was the best thing that ever happened to me for me in my lifetime. Other hurting people and I found ourselves and began to love ourselves again - once we finished with the work necessary. My parents had nothing to do with my ending up at this "no escape" route in my life. I had asked for help. HP heard me and helped me in ways I never expected but needed. Good for you for refusing his plea to help escape from an encounter from himself if that is what his HP has in mind for him. Good for you in refusing that part of yourself that wants to do what won't be helpful to you or to him.
this reminds me of my 4th and 5th .. funny but looking back, i remember how angry i was for having to look at me .. i didn't want to move toward the 5th where the healing takes place .. (reminds me of turning toward treatment vs giving up and going back the other way because it's comfortable) .. comfort was never a good thing for me .. i see the resistance in me, in sponsees, in the son above .. i also see the greater good of what comes next if we try to keep an open mind ..
So hard to watch our kids, families, loved ones go through their own process either of the disease or recovery .. what I do see however is what's in the Best interest today of the addicts, alcs, etc .. to me it used to seem to mean feeling good .. today i know sometimes pain anger rules discipline are what's best regardless of how it feels .. see how much i wanna get it and change the feelings of it all .. but seeing underneath if my kids don't go through the pain, they will never have a need for hp .. sad because i watch the x addict who was in my life for years (long story) .. he ends up with a natural crisis, consequences .. gods motive? most likely to attempt to get attention .. create a need for something bigger .. Him ..peoples role? getting in gods way and cleaning up the mess for the addict alc so they don't ever have to feel it .. very sad .. they have a higher power who loves them too .. glad you are finding the strength .. hope it continues on ..
Thank you all for your support. To the momma's here, I am with you. I'm praying for your babies too. We feel the guilt, we second guess everything. After all, this is our CHILD - we are supposed to protect and take care of them!
But, now that the problem is TOO big for us (and it certainly seems to big for them)....NOW is when we let go???? It just feels so wrong!
But the truth for me is this; the problem IS too big for me because it's NOT my problem. It's actually easier for them (when they are ready) because it IS their problem. We all have grace to handle what is OURS.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Katy, you absolutely did the right thing...prayers for you for strength and courage to continue to do the right thing for yourself and your beautiful son in support ...og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Katy, thanks for sharing, its so good to see someone doing the next right thing, it is certainly getting my recovery closer to doing the next right thing, Ive being a bit hit and miss - doing the right thing then the wrong thing, you know how it goes. You are doing great.x
You did the right thing. It's all up to him. My son has told me countless times that he wants recovery but he's never been willing to do the hard work. We can't fix this for them. I have tried to save him from himself and failed miserably.
I pray every day for all the Moms here that we may have the strength to Let Go and Let God.
Older gal, I worked all the time, and when I was not at work I was home fighting with my husband. I know I did not cause it, can't cure it..
Also, he started at 15....I did not see it until he was 17. He was doing it everyday right under my nose. I saw my husbands kids doing it...it's a lot of what we fought about...but I was clueless to my own son! Guilt
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Oh,(((Katy)))). That was then and this is now. We can see only what we're ready to see when we're ready to see it.
I saw what my kids were doing and I was still powerless over their choices no matter how hard I tried to make changes. We truly are powerless over this disease - how it affects us and how it affects our kids. I didn't think so. I thought for sure that if I watched over them, went to Al-Anon, drug them to Alateen and Al-Anon, saw therapists, encouraged them to share what they were truly thinking and feeling with me, took them to church, made sure they suffered consequences for bad behavior, lived a life free of drugs and alcohol myself, they wouldn't do anything to harm themselves. Wasn't true in my experience. It took me a long time to accept the reality that I truly didn't cause, couldn't control and couldn't cure the affects of this disease on me or on my kids. I could arrest its progress in me. I couldn't arrest it for my kids.
Our kids aren't benefited by our guilt or our shame. They are benefited by our unconditional love for them - something we can offer them with the help of our HP and program work.
I shared this before but I will again if its a comfort for you. I can remember going to bed sobbing one night because I felt I had failed both my kids miserably. My sobbing was my prayer. When all the words I choked out between sobs were finished and when the tears stopped flowing, nothing remained in me but a feeling of being spent. In the quiet I "heard" my HP: (Paraphrased) "Look around you. All the people fighting, warring, cheating each other are my children. If my children aren't behaving well, what makes you think you're a better parent than me?" I let go then of believing I had failed as a parent. I could only do the best I could do with what I had to work with. The outcome was no longer in my hands.
My children had to find their own way, make their own choices, suffer their own consequences. I could pray for them. I could love them. I could care about them. But, I couldn't make them into who I wanted them to be. That wasn't my job. It was theirs and their HP's.
Katy,
The question I have been asking for years is: So many kids experiment with drugs/alcohol, but most don't all turn into addicts, why did mine? Answer in my mind: Probably predisposed genetically or maybe vulnerable emotionally, whatever it may be, he is sick. I was unable to prevent him from getting cold's & flu's & I certainly was unable to prevent his addiction sickness.
Let go of the guilt. I worked all the time as well, my husband worked even longer hours. Our daughter is grounded & successful. My son is an addict and has been using this or that for almost 1/2 his life, he is 25 :(. We had no idea at first. We have been fighting this for 10-11 years. My son has told me not to blame myself, he was going to do what he is doing, no matter what we said, no matter what we did. Treatment, counseling, rehabs, etc. (we have spent close to $100,000 on trying to "fix" him), all just temporary relief for us from the drama that his life has become.
The best results have come with letting him go, stop trying to control his behavior, stop fixing things that go wrong in his life, stop calling him everyday to make sure he is ok. Interestingly enough, he has a court date next month and that has motivated him to wean himself off his opiates, because he is convinced they are going to put him in jail and he didn't want to suffer thru the withdrawals. And I think he is weary of the drama that happens when he is "f'ed" up, and I don't go running to make it right. In turn I've had some very needed peace in my life. His drama's used to scare me, now they make me angry...which isn't quite right, but I'm working on me, not him for once. Which is a step in the right direction. And I pray every night to my Hp to help me help him, by taking care of myself. I also pray for him, that his HP find a way to make him feel loved and worthy to work on himself & his sobriety when he is ready to.
I had to let go, or I was going to go over the edge with him. As a mom, its hard to not feel guilty, but that guilt doesn't help you or your son. Take care of you Katy, you deserve that. ((((hugs))))
I always thought I was guilty of not taking care of my son. He lived with his father and I was not there. I was guilty of the divorce and that made my son upset and mad.
Not anymore. Many kids do things and they come out OK. Many kids grow up with one parent. Many kids like me experimented with Pot and alcohol but I didn't get hooked. It's not your fault. It's a disease ....you never know who's going to get it and who's not.
His father and I never drank and when my son started drinking in college, we just thought it's a faze....you know like me....college fraternity....parties. Never in a million years would I guess my son would be a alcoholic.
Don't let guilt cloud your judgement.
I will be right by your side with all the other mothers.....we can be strong and have the courage to change because that is the one and only thing left to help our Adult Children.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Wow. You all have said exactly what I needed to hear. It was like opening a window and letting out some anxiety, and even some guilt!
I took a deep breath. Relief rushed into my heart. I need to forgive myself and let go of the guilt. It only hurts me!
I LOVE THIS SITE!
Thanks again!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
I too have an alcoholic son. He had a good job for 14 years and was fired for coming to work under the influence. No unemployment benefits, 2X failed rehab, 5 days in intensive care to detox 6 months later...(luckily survived and did not have permanent brain damage). He is still drinking and says he drinks less than he had been...
As others have said, he does not have the strong, obsession to work, day and night to save himself. He lives more than 100 miles away and does call trying to act all fine.
I lost my husband 8 months before I found out about his severe alcohol dependence. This is harder to experience than the death because it reoccurs, over and over again. You feel like you are just waiting for this suicide to take him.
I completely understand the fight against the feeling of guilt and the feeling that I should have been able to fix it. After all, I am his mother.... I was getting lost, depressed , felt hopeless.
Someone told me about a book about co-dependence and that was the beginning of finding my way out of that hole. Al anon online meetings also helped. MISERY LOVES COMPANY and knowing that othershave the same heartache and are learning to live again \gave me hope.
Our hearts and prayers are with you.
