The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can't believe it has been 17 plus years with my alky. Ask myself over and over why I am still here. Can't honestly say I love him. I care, but don't have love any longer..too many harsh words, pounding on locked doors, name calling, cuss words, filthy angry words and threats. He has been in hospital at least 5 times for alcohol triggered problems,,including coma for 3 days. DUI Car wreck last year caused bruised spinal cord, he was almost paralyzed. But since he dodged that bullet he started right back drinking day he left hosp.
I am attending alanon and realize I am sick also even though he is the A. We have no children in common, only house. We sleep in separate rooms, because he is so selfish he smokes cigs in the house. Most days I think I hate him...but also hate myself for believing with help and prayer and support he would stop. He has been in about 6 inpatient stays and always is attending AA and outpatient...but comes back form outpatient mtgs drunk. I think he goes to socialize with his A buddies. I am a product of childhood with A father, so this feels like home even though it is horrible. But so was home. Always want to leave but really have fear about unknown. Feel dumb to still be here. He grew up in A home, so we are a match made in hell... We met in church..Go figure. Just venting. New to this site. Reading other posts very helpful to see not alone.
Trelani
Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism/ addiction is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. I'm glad you're also attending alanon meetings and hope that you're able to give alanon at least 6 solid months before making any major decisions. When I first came to alanon, I thought I'd just do each of the steps, be done and things would be perfect- perfect being defined as life playing out how I envisioned... but, now I'm absolutely grateful to have and be a part of a life long fellowship. It's comforting to know that I will be working the steps one day at a time.
Similar to you, it's been a long and painful road and I've found the most efficient way to improve my situation is to continue to work the 12 steps with others. Fear plays a huge role as an obstacle in obtaining a healthier thought process; I have found that fear is often the voice of the disease talking and not facts.
Change takes time, so the fact that you're still here is a good thing and far from "dumb". I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.
Thank you Bud...I know making major decisions in heat of pain, anger, sadness is not wise. I will continue attending alanon meetings, however to love myself I know at some point I have to move away from the pain and if nothing else...pray for the A from afar.
I am a product of childhood with A father, so this feels like home even though it is horrible. But so was home. Always want to leave but really have fear about unknown. Feel dumb to still be here.
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Dear Trelani, I saw this and this is KEY..that you see it.....working the program and doing family of origin work got me out of this cycle....You see, we deep repeating "home" thinking we will "get it right" this time, but of course we do not...so we stay in the cycle, until we do family of origin discovery, working the steps...step 4 can help you with this if you are willing to work the steps and work them deep.
all this dysfunction we are or were living in is rooted from our homes...we were trained victims...trained helplessness usually comes with it and a lot of anger at self, too...
don't be mad at you for not knowing any better that what you were taught...alanon will teach you a NEW and healthy way to live......we must reparent our wounded selves and prove to that wounded self that there is a healthy family structure we can build within ourselves, and for ourselves.....
I married my mother two times, the last divorce catapulted me into recovery and when i got into the steps, I saw that i was trying to "win her love" by marrying her and being the good little codependent and so that she would accept me, love me, stop drinking and abusing me.......when i realized that, i realized that NO..I cannot give me back my past....it is DONE....OVER with......so i was able to address all the hurts as a child, the abuse, the abandonment and finally after decades of not feeling the feelings i allowed my self to feel the loss, the pain, the anger so i could "mourn" out my lost childhood....
THEN comes acceptance and making my peace with me and the mistakes i made due to trying to just survive an not knowing any better and being soo sick , mentally, i can now forgive me and I no longer want to be around anyone who is toxic or abusive or abuses substances....they are a turn off now...
I no longer want to fix and repair the "walking wounded" I can leave them to God and walk away, keep them away from me so i can keep my pursuit of happiness and serenity and self love
you can do this, too....alanon is a program about us, for us, it is not about him, it is about you and what you can do to help yourself.......i tell my kids....life is a choice away......but WE have to reach out...WE have to make the first move God respects our boundaries....WE gotta make the first move, reach out, do the work, do all we can and then give over to God what we are not in control of.....we can only control our choices....not the alcoholic........he is God's creation and God's issue......
PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
