The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Father never contacts me or answers any of my calls or emails. Brother and wife won't speak to me. Sent my niece a birthday present and heard nothing back (had no expectations but it's sad how generations of this disease repeats itself) and my mother didn't even call or send a card on my birthday last month.
the Lesson: I reacted with anger when they shunned me last Easter and now they can say its "all my fault." I gave them exactly what they wanted: someone to blame and some good justification.
my mother (they're married) asked me on email two days ago what I was doing for Christmas. I chose to take a break from them at Thanksgiving because of all the blame and punishing I get and frankly I didn't want to see them at Christmas anyway.
But it still sucked what happened: I told my mother the truth, I don't know what I'm doing on Christmas. in about 10 seconds I get an email fRom Dad (mind you he ignores an email I sent him just saying hello last week) and he says, i sent you something in the mail for Christmas (probably money) and I hope you enjoy it. your mother and I are going away after Christmas for her birthday. She's been sick since Thanksgiving."
In other words you are not welcome with the rest of us.
it will be the first time in 48 years I don't see my parents or brother for Christmas. I have cried and cried for the past 48 hours and can't sleep. I just can't believe it has gotten to this point. I used to think I was so lucky and had the closest family.
my fathers secretary called me today to say she is courriering over to my house an envelope from my father (he probably wants me to get it before Christmas do he can feel less guilty and enjoy the day with the others.)
He can't even call himself, he always does this. I don't want others to know my personal business. And after I hung up with her I got really angry and sad and prideful, i.e. "Does he really think he can pay me to be shunned and relieve his guilt?"
Thank God for the 12 Steps. Ive been keeping my communication with them short and extremely "cordial" (thanks Betty!) and my own work which has meant meetings and the rest of it and sucking up enormous pain without reacting. And my wise sponsor who has talked with me every day. He reminded me this is coming from their pride and ego and I am not rescuing them...he said, "Id take the money. It's all your father can do. You're not a prostitute by taking it." (that's how it felt to me, like I was selling my soul by taking it. I had intended to send it back in my own prideful blaming/anger.)
and I have to take my own suggestions. We get into self-pity and stubborn anger around the holidays especially, we're not getting what we want and our expectations are enormous...forgetting it's really just another day - and its really about celebrating what Jesus Christ showed us (which is, coincidentally, to follow principles NO MATTER WHAT - and when we need to, say "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."
Merry Christmas
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 23rd of December 2013 07:02:38 PM
I am sorry for what you are going through. After all of the dysfunction in my family I am not really a family person anymore. I remember years ago my parents moved from Florida to Washington State. I thought it would be fun to visit - this was a long time ago - but my dad told me I was not welcome. Wow. I can be outspoken and told my parents on their last visit to my house that I could not condone all of the drinking, yelling, bickering and arguing. I pointed out that they both had a drinking problem. Of course the letter that came back to me said they did not and what was the matter with me. Years went by and we reconciled before they both passed away, but I never really grew up with a sense of family. I live across the street from the neatest family ever. They actually seem to enjoy themselves. I see them outside barbecuing, having fun and just cannot imagine what that would be like.
I will be thinking of you on Christmas Day. It will be your families loss I think. Take care.
I know you are feeling hurt. But, I suggest you try to find a way to help someone else on Christmas. Call a local shelter and see if they need help on Christmas. Serving others ways less fortunate then yourself will bring you joy. You may even feel what Christmas is supposed to feel like. I will be praying that your HP finds a way to use you to better someone else's life.
I'm sorry, WTI. I've been through some things similar in the past few years. At first, things were pretty devastating to me. Then, painful. Then, a little stinging twinge once in awhile. Now, not much but gratitude for what they have taught me about me - what is acceptable to me and what is not acceptable to me. My part in the circumstances and what I needed to change. Old, unhealed hurts I had never admitted to my consciousness. And the most important learning for me - I was doing just fine without their presence. I learned I don't need their approval, love or appreciation to live my life as it is or to be the person I am. Thanks for sharing. Sending lots of support and understanding.
I am so sorry that this behavior is surfacing again on this Holiday. You certainly used all your alanon tools, did not react, spoke to your sponsor and shared here.--- Great recovery.
Remembering that we are powerless over others and that we need to take care of ourselves is an important lesson of this program. It is clear that you learned it very well.
I am glad that you did not sabotage yourself by refusing the gift from your family Good work talking it over and reasoning it out with your sponsor.
I know you will find alternate plans for the day .
You truly exemplified the Reason for the Season when you summed up your post with " I will forgive them"
WTI, it would be nice if you could run meetings at a clubhouse maybe. Many have round the clock meetings. You have a wonderful gift that others often try to get but never obtain. Your sobriety.
I am sorry for your grief...you seem to have a strong program to hold you through this tough time. Take the money and have some fun...prayers for a peaceful season.
