The "disappearances" im sure so many of you have dealt with. The cycles, and circles that have been repeated over and over again. This time, it was a break up on Tuesday, followed by an obsessive amount of calls, very loving conversations, followed by making plans with me, THEN BREAKING THEM AT THE LAST MINUTE, like is so common. Then silence for 3 days. No return calls, no follow up, no nothing. My whole street flooded and people were evacuated, and he knows it im sure, since his grandma lives there too and I saw his car in my neighboorhood going to a party house, but he didn't once even check on me.

Rewind back to before I started getting involved with Al-Anon teachings and literature. I would have called him on Friday by 10pm demanding to know why he didnt call me back. I would have sent hateful text messages friday night before bed. I would have called saturday when I woke up. Then by saturday night or sunday afternoon, I would moved past the anger into the worry stage, into freaking out that he might be in a ditch somewhere...then at that point im desperate just to hear from him. By the time he calls me, I would be so happy that he was ok and he would avoid my anger altogether.

This time, I never made the calls. I never sent the text messages. I never so much as picked up my phone. He told me he was going to call me back, he broke the plans, he got crappy with me. I wasnt my best during the last conversation and I cried because he hurt me. But I didnt carry on through the cycle. It hurt like hell all weekend. I didnt sleep. But I didn't pick up that phone. We are supposed to still go to my family christmas together tomorrow, at least as far as what he last said. But I wont call to ask about that either. My inaction is an action. I pray these principles and coping techniques adhere to my bones and fortify me with strength. 

I know I have to stay completely away from him for a while, as he continues to straighten up his lifestyle. This is so hard, because we were the best of friends and then very close as a couple. We have a bond that I never have experienced, but right now only I am placing value on it. He isnt, he isn't focusing on that. He's locked into a struggle of his own, outside of this bond.

Often times he tells me that he is trying to keep me from being flushed down the toilet with him. Come here, now stay away, but I need you, but I dont want to hurt you, but I need you by my side, but I wont drag you down. So very confusing.