When are you prepared? - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When are you prepared?

texasgal · Senior Member

I may have waited too long to leave but I finally did this past week. I thought I should leave when I was prepared the thing was I was never quite prepared to do it. I had to make a decision cuz I was drowning. I physically left but I still love him and Idk why. I was not healing in that home. It feels like the worst time to do it because of the holiday but it had to be done. Im broke and I just got paid a few days ago. Im putting all my faith in my HP to see me through to next months paycheck.

CDK · Senior Member

Some of us are strong enough to leave, and some of us are strong enough to stay. This is my ESH as someone who left.
My situation was an ABF, not cohabitating, no shared children. So, I did not have those concerns. I thank my HP for that. I was thoroughly enmeshed and addicted though...and so tired. So very tired. And in unbelievable pain. I just couldn't do it anymore. We had several soft break-ups. One a few months earlier where there was no contact for 6 months. There was nothing I could do to prepare for it. I had no idea what would happen. I just wore out, and felt like I was going to die either way. I, for some reason, stopped praying for him to stop drinking, and started to pray for the best possible outcome for the both of us. Then, my HP swooped in. He presented a situation where it was very clear that this was my life, and would always be my life. My exA was always going to choose alchohol over me for.ever. I just shut down with him. And then my HP did some very magical things. He and I worked in the same building...it was much of the reason why our break-ups never stuck. He was suddenly...transferred. When he told me that he was being transferred, and I literally felt a kick in my chest. Also, my kids went to see their dad in TX the same weak. This left me free to do what needed to be done, and let myself go crazy with no one to take care of but me. And go crazy I did. But I look back at that time as a sweet time of grieving. I see that woman, and I love her so very much. What I was not "prepared" for and had no idea was coming was the losing all of my friends but one. I had no idea I had such a toxic system set up that was build around being miserable with this A. If there was one thing I would have done different, it would have been to set foot in Al Anon BEFORE breaking up. But, it brought me to 12 Step Programs, and I will be forever grateful for that. No, you can't really be "prepared". Grief and heartbreak and addiction withdrawal (that is the only way I can explain how I felt for several weeks) is messy. But, you can pray. You can trust your HP.

CDK · Senior Member

Also...it felt like dying. It felt like I was going to DIE WITHOUT HIM IM DYING! I'm not joking. I screamed it in my pillow and on the floor of my kitchen. My hp got to hear all about it. I've heard this sentiment expressed here at MIP. It's ok. It feels like it.
But, no one ever died from a feeling.
It was ok.
I didn't die.
I thought I couldn't live without him.
And here I am 18 months later.
I went and got a life. I laugh and smile daily.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly but to me, being "prepared" means eliminating the obstacles that I consistantly use as an excuse to NOT leave....so by investigating options for housing, schooling for my child, pet care, making sure I have the things I will need/want to make life comfortable, getting rid of junk and downsizing my possesions, packing things I dont use regularly, buuilding a social network, learning to drive (one of these days) and basically doing all of the things I would need to do to go out on my own, I am becoming "prepared" to leave without walking into a depressing unstable nightmare that might just send me straight back to him....even though I am not at all ready to leave...that will happen when the yearning for freedom outweighs my need for "safety" I guess. He hasn't been really horrible for a long time so it doesnt feel like I need to go anywhere yet when he was last awful for a long period of time, i was desperate to get out and it was all too hard. If it happens again, I like knowing that I have so many great plans in place to make it as easy as possible to walk out the door. It's a fake it till you make it kinda thing for me, making all of these preparations so that if and when I suddenly feel ready, I don't have a million reasons to freak out and second guess myself. Make any sense or have I missed the boat completely? lol

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My own experience is the same as yours, PC, in that the pain of staying was more than the fear of separating and then divorcing. I didn't know what I would be facing as a single parent with two toddlers to raise and no family support, but I knew what we were living in and I was determined to get us out of it. I learned that I didn't "need" a partner although there were times I wanted a partner. Fast forward many years and I have to admit that I am happier without a partner than I ever was with a bf or a husband. I found something to do in life that meant more to me than an SO relationship. When I considered retirement, I wasn't sure if I was really ready to let go of what had given my life meaning for years. Then, one day I realized that I choose what meaning I want to give something. I valued marriage. I value my children and grandson. I valued the work I agreed to do. Since I valued them, I gave them meaning. I have learned that it isn't "the outer" that matters. I have pretty much done all that I wanted to do in life (other than meeting Liam Neeson and traveling through Europe - all expenses paid, of course). All of those things I have chosen to do were within me. I created the experiences that I wanted in life by valuing what I valued and giving them meaning. I have valued my own single status for quite awhile. Who knows? After I retire, maybe I will meet Liam? I don't need to meet him, but I want to.

(Personal note to PC: And remember, you're engaged if you think about turning Liam as you once threatened. biggrin )

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 22nd of December 2013 09:30:57 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

First, conGrats pink a WEDDING!

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, wow I missed that. Yeah, congratz!!!
(((Pink)))

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

PC:

I agree that there is no perfect preparation for the magnitude of leaving a relationship. Like a lot of milestones in life, you really can't prepare in some ways because how it ACTUALLY is may differ quite a bit from how we THINK it might be. For me, the decision came from this sentence of your post: I left when staying hurt more than the prospect of leaving. My H has been physically out of the house since early June and our divorce will be final next month. As difficult as it has been, there has been a peacefulness for me, in this house, that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I would add that although I am not even close to meeting someone new yet, I can see how the strength of the program and our own healthiness would make us more 'prepared' to leave should we feel the need, while at the same time not feeling the need. Ironies everywhere!

Great post, thanks PC

YF

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think I will ever be prepared. I have thought about over the years but never but it into action. Over this year I have to admit things have changed for me. Learning about me has been things here so much better. I was able to let go quite easily with my SO. He also has changed because of it. No it's not a relationship but it has become a good partnership.

My life will continue to change as I practice and learn about me more and more each day. Who knows what the future will hold but I will take it one day at a time.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations!!!

My experience was similar to yours in the respect that I did not reach a state of feeling prepared, despite many things which would have been enough for someone with healthier thinking- the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving. I had to overcome my distorted comfort zone. That and that my daughter and I were on his sinking Titanic; it was harming her too much. It was harming me too much too, but it would not be the truth to say that I considered myself nearly as heavily as I would now that my thinking is healthier. His wasting of our finances to the point where I'd have to consider our being homeless also factored in.

I had zero support and lost my faith. I think these are important elements in the ability to feel prepared- I'm climbing out of the hole because I now have a foundation that I am continually expanding.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a post that I don't know what happened it literally is the first sentence of what I wrote has anyone else had issues?

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a helpful topic for me.

My plan had been to stay married. I didn't have a plan B when my ex left. I was immobilized. It took me a lot of external help to get moving again. I had so many resources I didn't realize were available to me - a big loving family, loving friends, stable career, pets, etc. I was blind - I thought if we were not together I had nothing and was nothing and could do nothing.

I like Melly's being prepared as removing obstacles. Slowly my obstacles disappeared. I realized I already was prepared for my own life. OK - at this same time I began attending AtAnon meetings. I began working the steps with my sponsor. How about that?

I've never been that de-railed since I began with meetings. They have taken me through huge changes, including deaths and my own medical issues. I'm going to be OK.

We used to have a MIP member here who ended his posts with "You're going to be OK" or "It's going to be OK". Love it!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations!!!! So happy for you, that was a bit sneaky throwing that in there, I nearly missed it.lol. Now I cant even think about your topic!!!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Congrats Mark

You have worked hard and I am happy for you. I must add that I too stayed, rationalized that staying was for my son, so he could have a father, a family and I could take it for his sake.

My inner voice kept screaming "LEAVE, Leave Leave now. I ignored this and continued on pretending. Then one day my inner voice shouted "If you don't leave, your rage is so huge you will kill him and then your son will have no family. "

I left that day. I went to my sisters with my cat, hamster, son $100,00 and one suitcase.

I did not react to the situation--- I did think it over and reason it out. I left because I knew I would kill him not to manipulate him into getting sober. Big difference.

By the way he did get sober and stayed sober for 6 years until he died of cancer. We had reunited

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm prepared to leave when I understand they're sick, stop reacting and fighting and basically just don't care anymore.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone once told me, "if you wait until the right time to have a baby, you won't ever have one."

Change was so scary for me...and sometimes I used the excuse "I'm not prepared to leave" when I really meant "I'm too scared of the unknown to leave"

I agree.. can't ever be prepared 100%...just slog through it best that you can...

and congratulations, Pink, I hope someday I will find someone to be in a relationship with...you give me hope.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok, here is the first draft...I continue to percolate aww . I do not believe we are ever prepared and if I believe I am prepared that is my ego speaking to me and my ego does not make a good bedfella. If I play the dance of "I will do this when".....it is my saboteur thwarting what is really best for me because it believes it needs to keep me "safe". Safe is not always what is best for me. I don't want to live being safe and just surviving (and these words have different meanings for each of us, so first I have to examine what meanings they take on for me) , I choose to thrive and sometimes that means taking prudent risks. My best prep work is a strong trust in the God of my understanding, the 12 steps, a strong support system and taking good care of my physical body. When I am clear, I make choices that are in alignment with my highest self, not my ego self. If I am not clear (and I can fool myself into believing I am clear), I will lie to myself and think I am being truthful. THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO WORK MY PROGRAM (AND THAT DOES NOT MEAN JUST BEING ON THIS FORUM DAILY) AND PRAY THAT I MAKE CHOICES FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD. I read posts daily here and I see the same lies that I Know so well. We are not bad for telling ourselves lies, this is how we have survived....but we are not living the life we were given if we are stuck in survival mode.

When I chose to separate from my husband several years ago, I had done and was doing my prep, we were nearing bankruptcy, I had a business that was failing so I did not have the means to support me or pay for medical benefits, I was exhausted living a lie of "all is well" outside of the rooms of al anon, and the future looked so bleak that I did not want to live into what I projected. I had developed the courage to ask myself and God some very hard questions and I got answers. I got out of my head (I would overanalyze things). I had been comfortable in what I knew, which is why I stayed with an alcoholic/addict, but I was no longer comfortable with what I knew and I developed the faith and trust that I would be fine, so I jumped knowing I would be ok. By the time I told him to leave, there were no ultimatums, no conversations; just a short "I am done living with the addictions, you need to move out". He knew I was done, so there were no arguments....he packed a few things and left. He was not violent, so there was no fear in me that I would be hurt. I would have handled things differently if that were the case, but I still would have found a way to leave....violence is a deal breaker, only once, not twice, three times, not dependent on them at all..deal breaker, done deal. I ended relationships at the hint of physical violence and never looked back. The subtler forms of violence (like begin ignored) I did not see or recognize as violent until later. There are degrees in so many things that I now see. Once I began to see I could not "unsee". And I began to hold my life in reverence, it became sacred to me. The more sacred it became the less tolerant I became of any disrespect to me and I began reaching for experiences that were joyful, not suffering in nature. Somehow I bought the bill of goods that suffering was a spiritual act...a cultural lie biggrin

Fast forward: we did reunite, both working our programs and, for now, continuing to grow. We both have relapses in behaviors/thoughts (he more than me, teeheehee aww ). I keep my prep work going in the event of????? We never know when chaos will occur...there are no guarantees life will go as WE plan and that is key for me. When something crappy happens I know "God is driving Miss Paula".

And congratulations Mark...pictures must be shared! Maybe Grateful and Liam can stand up for you aww

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Such a great share Pinkchip, kind of reassuring to know that if I leave my marriage not everyone would expect me to do it 'right'!
I love the discreet reference to getting married next year - what lovely news, congratulations

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip, thank you for sharing those thoughts especially since it's something I've been struggling with. And, of course, congratulations are in order for the upcoming wedding! Best wishes to you both!

I really liked what Paula had to share above, especially about the subtler forms of violence which is something that I'm coming to grips with myself. I think those things are the main motivating factor for me to move on and separate from him. Only God knows the plans for us and knows each of our days ahead and that's a hard pill to swallow for a control freak like me, LOL.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

ilovedogs wrote:

I really liked what Paula had to share above, especially about the subtler forms of violence which is something that I'm coming to grips with myself. I think those things are the main motivating factor for me to move on and separate from him. Only God knows the plans for us and knows each of our days ahead and that's a hard pill to swallow for a control freak like me, LOL.

Agree, ilovedogs......and God speed on your taking care of you....

hey ((((Paula))))...I copied and pasted your post w/out any names anywhere for my "recovery library" which I keep private, and read and meditate on.... however i would like to "paraphrase" your thoughts for people I am helping when the need arises---

That post was the best example I have ever seen re: surrendering to ones love for self, higher parent and, of course, their maker and following through on that love and willingness to be totally honest with oneself and plow through their fears and "do the right thing, anyway"!!!!!......Thank you, dear for sharing that.............

Mark...congratulations on your upcoming wedding....

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not, in the end, leave, but I was preparing. I could see that the whiskey was winning. I had 4 daughters and 3 of them were in college or finished with college and the last a junior in high school. I was waiting for her to graduate. In the meantime I finished my college degree and got a job. I started putting money into my own account in my own name. I started looking around for ideas of where to live. But I knew I wasn't going to leave until the 4th child was ready to be uprooted. He was a very functional alcoholic and made a great living. I felt very guilty at the idea of ripping that all away from my kids. That was in the 1990's. The daughter would be graduating in 2001.

So in May, 2000, the alcoholic got a DUI (in a company car) that put an end to his drinking. I thought my HP was talking to me and I should give him a chance at this thing called AA. I started my journey in AlAnon in July, 2000. I put aside all ideas of leaving but realized a few years later that AA stopped the drinking but I didn't see a whole big difference in his behavior. He still was a workaholic and still blamed me for way too much of his own thinking and behaviors. I starting the prayer "bless him, change me" in Jan. of 2007. I really believed that my 4th step was going to continue to show me ways to change myself to make the relationship better. I was detached even then and blaming myself for being detached. He was diagnosed with throat cancer in April of 2007 and told he would only live for a few more weeks. I saw this as another message from my higher power. He went through lots of medical stuff and he lived and is still living. Has he changed? Not much. Sometimes I see a glimpse of who I married in 1971 but I guess I have changed too. Detachment has been crucial. That has made me a separate person.

I do have to be honest and say I don't believe in romantic love anymore. I have grandchild love. I have love for the kindergarteners that I volunteer for once a week. I love my kids. But romance? Not so much. I just smile and am happy for others who have it....kinda like believing in Santa.

Now when I think of being single again I know that I am prepared for anything because now, because of AlAnon, I have an HP that I know and that I trust. Whatever happens, I will be OK. I am living in the solution, not the problem. I have trust.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

lol lol forgive me for giggling! YES I get it. You have matured to the point that you would be ok on your own. You faced it, did it now you know you can!! Be thankful!

Mark geez I was sooo introverted. Now I do not freak out about much. Power gonna be shut off? Last time I thought hmmm what would I have to do to be ok without power?

I know I can get thru so many things now. I have my life so simple.

Even now i think ok if I lost my home.....put a camper on my truck, find a friend or? who would let me park on their property with a barn. Fence in an area for my kids.....then go from there...

I am so happy for you. You have gained the power of knowing you can survive!

Also I am so thankful you found your lifes partner! It will make everything else even better, and hard things easier to face.

Loved your post, debilyn Hey I even learned I can wear a green sock and a blue one and who cares!!!?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the responses and the congratulations all. Don't get me wrong though, I'm prepared to take care of me, but it will be gut wrenching and horrid. I will cry and use you guys and the rest of my 12 step family and my other family to go on. That is what I did last time so I know I could do it again. For today I can enjoy things but I'm keeping watch on my coda...knowing my own history. Also, there's no reason to think too much about a future parting that may never happen. It's my codie that is focusing on "until death do us part" before "I do." So with that, I will keep coming back lol.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 22nd of December 2013 08:44:15 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You con't git away dahling, I von't allow that! hugs, debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL!

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

maryjane, your post spoke volumes. i so.appreciate the comments about romantoc live and the Santa commen. i am only iny early forties but sadly i adm that ots not romance that keeps me in my relationship. i love my daughter. i love the little things when in fact im able to stop and take note. thankbyou for this post. i coukd leave and stand on my own but for now i.love my life as mom. . .i find a way to.connect and reconnect to.my ah as i can to.remain in it so to speak. . but your right, its not a romatic thing by any means. thats not mine right nowe. . im in it for what "it"is. . no more no.less. thank you.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations Pinkchip! I wasn't prepared, but was truly too disappointed, tired and just broken to carry on in my marriage when I announced it was over. It was hard and I had a lot to learn and a kid and baby to take care of, after 15 years I just knew I deserved better and had to face my biggest fear. As soon as I found al-anon I found resources and ways to pour into myself and the energy I needed came with it. I eventually scraped myself up out of the pit and poured myself back into a human being, strong, funny and with some goals again. Life has kept getting better and my tool box keeps growing on how to deal with life as it comes. Thanks for the post!!! Sending you love and support on your journey!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I was never prepared to leave. Leaving wasn't the reason I got into the relationship for in the first place and leaving isn't attached to a a part of my dreams and hopes for the long continuation of my relationship. When ever I left I wasn't prepared for it and after I left I've always remembered sometimes with sadness and loss, sometimes with gratitude and happiness and always with love. Never stop loving..that's like telling God that God isn't welcomed in your life. For me Love is the name and nature of God...my Higher Power. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". ((((hugs)))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that fear. I started strong and confident, but didn't have a functioning skill set to serve me during a 20 year marriage to an active A. I have come to warmly and lovingly embrace the 12 steps and my 12 step family for learning, acceptance, a sense of self, spirituality, and a sense of security in all of my affairs as a life long lifetstyle. I have many slips, but they don't have to be permanent; I now know that I can learn from them and have choices. The program also brings a high level of honesty and self-trust for making healthy choices and having serenity ODAAT.

1911A1 · Senior Member

This is a relevant thread; thanks for starting it, PC.

I have never lived with active alcoholism, yet I can check almost every box on the list of attributes of an ACOA. The alcoholism in my family was in my grandparents' generation, but the dysfunction made its way into my parents and then into me, illustrating how much this aptly named "family disease" can span up, down, and across the family tree.

I didn't marry an alcoholic, but rather a fellow ACOA who did live with active alcoholism (her father). My adaptation to my family of origin made me extremely passive; my family was so enmeshed that I had no concept of boundaries, and in fact I depended upon others to furnish my identity for me. My wife, on the other hand, was very aggressive, controlling, and emotionally unstable. The verbal and emotional abuse began about six months into the marriage. I put up with that abuse for another TWELVE YEARS before I finally left.

Why did I continue to suffer for so long? My self-esteem was so far in the toilet that I honestly believed that it was my lot in life to suffer. 98% of me had resigned myself to a lifetime of suffering, believing that I was getting what I deserved for being a defective human being. My thinking was so distorted from growing up in a dysfunctional family that I had no concept of what a healthy relationship looked like; to me dysfunction was "normal" because it was all I had ever known. The fact that denial was the primary coping mechanism I picked up from my family didn't make it any easier.

Sadly, I was unable to summon the gumption on my own to finally be able to leave my abuser. Rather, it took meeting and falling in love with someone new to give me the courage to leave. Of course, that relationship went down in flames in spectacular fashion six months later, and ensured I would get handed my butt in the divorce, but the ultimate outcome was that I was finally in such distress after all that that I sought recovery, and my life has been on a steadily improving trajectory ever since.

Getting back to the original question, my being able to leave wasn't predicated on any sort of preparation per se; rather, it was finally being able to say those three words that we Al-Anon'ers find probably more difficult to say than any other:

I. DESERVE. BETTER.

I said above that 98% of me believed that I did not deserve better than the abuse I suffered. It took a long time, with outside influences, for the remaining 2% to finally be heard. Years earlier, a friend had remarked, "I don't see how you put up with it." Although many years passed in the interim, that statement had never left my mind, and helped me find the courage to act.

Today, with the perspective that recovery brings, I can look back and see HP's hand in everything, with the ultimate goal of bringing me into recovery and into relationship with him. My HP, in the recovery process, has helped me straighten out a lot of the old stinkin' thinkin' that had plagued me for so long, and is working on many of the other character defects that have prevented me from having healthy relationships. The unconditional acceptance I have experienced in my F2F home group (my "tribe") has contributed significantly to my healing, and is a reason I would strongly encourage everyone to find the right F2F group and go to meetings, because there is an element of "putting yourself out there" in real life that cannot be done online, and is an important element of recovery, IMHO. And I am using the tools of recovery to grow and nurture my marriage with a woman who loves and accepts me for who I am, and supports my work in recovery.

I feel for those of you who are in untenable situations of your own. I can only pray that no one suffers in denial for as long as I did...not when the possibility exists that opening oneself up to what HP has in store can bring a life even better than can be imagined. But to do so means taking action, and in order to act, one has to ask oneself that question:

Do I deserve better?

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Jerry F wrote:

"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". ((((hugs))))

Thanks for writing this Jerry. I needed to see that again. I will also add "You don't have to forgive someone from the same zip code". I suspect leaving can be done lovingly - love for yourself as well as love for your soon-to-be-ex (except in cases of physical abuse or danger). I think for me it's easier to leave with love and respect for the other person exactly for who they are, rather than who they will never be.

I lol'ed at believing in romantic love like believing in Santa, Maryjane! I know how you feel.

This is a great thread and topic. Much food for thought. I'm stuck in the doom of thinking things really aren't going to work but unable to move out of the numbing comfort-zone impostor. So what Paula wrote gave me a lot of food for thought. "Somehow I bought the bill of goods that suffering was a spiritual act...a cultural lie biggrin ". Thank you!

Thanks, and hugs for all of those stuck in that fake comfort zone.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Monday 23rd of December 2013 12:23:29 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.