The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Setting Boundaries The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self. Being forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are - will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of some place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.
Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as: "It is not OK to hit me, ever." "It is not acceptable to call me certain names." "It is not acceptable to cheat on me."
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that in our lives) - then we will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways. Often if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive behavior towards people who do not abuse us. On some level in our codependence, we are more comfortable with being abused (because it is what we have always known) than being treated in a loving way.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If youcontinue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly unfair to me. (This page includes quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and quotes from other articles, columns, or web pages (indented) written by Robert Burney.)
I had to learn that boundaries are internal, they are NOT "behavioral modification"
They are for me, not the other person, boundaries are for when the OTHER person doesn't change, not to get them to change.
-- Edited by Tasha on Saturday 21st of December 2013 12:11:30 PM
One thing I think about at this time of year (yes living in the past and that is my choice and I am responsible for the consequences) is the ex - ex boyfriend I found with no head after I told him if he continued to abuse and control me I would leave... and then I actually followed through with that boundary when it happened again - and moved out.
The condition on this at the time was that if he didn't seek help of any kind - I would leave.
He did seek help and then lied through his teeth to the therapist - as I sat there in astonishment... "why bother" I thought?
At that time - back in 2001 - I didn't know that I was also terribly sick to end up with this man. I didn't just poof get unlucky. My upbringing had set the stage for our 'perfect dance'.
The worse possible thing of course happened. I set the boundary to leave and did it. 2 weeks later - he did I suppose what he felt was his boundary - that he would kill himself if I left - which he did... and made sure I would be the one to find him. (That last part was a little searching for pity, and I apologize - I am truly not in need of this when I live in today).
I developed PTSD from the incident - and don't remember that Christmas at all. For 6 months I have almost no memories - however I did work and I'm not sure what else. I slept for 3 days. I went into shock - my mother was there and would wake me to eat I guess, and drink water.
I would wake up in different places. A crisis center - then my own bed and my mom would be there - then? So much is repressed still.
When my 'friends' at work convinced me one night to 'go out' and smile again - I was terribly reluctant. I was about 21 so they were in party mode. I was usually the designated driver for them.
After much banging of my door - and much beggin, I agreed and I was just so scared to be with people - in real life where people weren't crying all day, and part of my life again. I was also terrified to drink because I felt so mentally unstable with the PTSD and at that time I had no idea there was such a thing or that I had it.
I did have a couple of drinks that night and when I got home - I realized that this was the first night I had no night terrors - and I actually slept through the night. The doctors had given me so many drugs and sleep aides and the therapists didn't know what more to do with me. I was a zombie. I didn't want to drug myself. I didn't like the pills. I wouldn't take them as prescribed - I kept throwing them away. In hind sight - maybe I would have been better off to take them...
Instead I discovered the miracle cure - and when I called my alcoholic father to talk to him about it - he nudged me in that direction. He thought a little to drink would be good for me. I was having pain all over - back pain - neck pain - rashes - anxiety related things of all sorts. All things I thought were 'other issues' but later discovered were part of this PTSD and the anxiety I was genetically predisposed to.
I was also predisposed to alcoholism - and it took over quickly since I would drink 4 or 5 beers or glasses of wine every night to sleep night terror free. Eventually that lead to a full 6 pack. Then I would do that and sometimes also go out with friends where I would drink to black out. I was no longer the designated driver... in fact - they started to not want to drink with me because I wasn't the same person anymore... I always wanted to drink to access now and I couldn't be their babysitter anymore.
It didn't take long and I acquired 2 Dui's in a short time. I had toxic shock from alcohol and a blood infection at the same time - I nearly died. It kept me from drinking for a while - but what helped the most was the new counselor I was appointed for the drinking. We didn't have AA where I lived, and she was a drug and alcohol counselor - but she didn't seem all that interested in MY drinking - she was very concerned with my fathers.
I started seeing her every week - and I got a lot better. I didn't desire drinking anymore because some distance was now between the incident of that suicide and her help made things make sense. I went on to meet my husband in those happy years - and have children - and I don't have time for the whole story here... but the jist of it is simple. I stopped the work with her = and recovery.
*Bad bad bad things happen and long story here.*
The things that happen when we think we're all better and we are safe to just go back to whatever we were before - and not worry so much about all this painful recovery work...
Another couple of years of that hell brought me to the rooms and finally back to my root causes and conditions and I am happy to live in a city with 12 step programs now. I have for the last couple of years, and I am feeling good again... it was all worth it to get here.
It popped in my today as I looked at the tree - the mother of that suicide victim. Her name is Betty. She is beautiful and sweet - and when he talked to her on the phone - I always knew he was talking to her by the way his own voice and mannerisms changed. She was the only one who took me seriously when I was frantic that he was threatening suicide and running around to hospitals, police and his family and friends. No one listened but her.
I remembered how he read a baby book that she had given him before he killed himself. It was one she wrote from his birth through 4. He let me read it - and he was hit by a car at 4 and had to learn to crawl - use the potty and talk all over again - everything. I later found out people with head injury were more likely to have mental issues later. Things that I have only recently learned in the rooms are continuing to shed light on past life.
Do I morbidly reflect? Honestly? Sometimes. Is it really possible to never ever do that again? I do know better now - and try to think of the good time. He had a really great smile and laugh. I loved the warmth his mother brought with her when she visited. She contacted me on face book recently. I guess she went off the deep end too for a while. I was happy to see her life restored to sanity too. We wished each other well and keep a distance now. It feels best for me and I'm sure her too... to not live in the past.
One thing that I love about being here is I continue to get bits of info as my denial is peeled away and I am ready. The puzzle gets put together in HP's time and I feel the love He felt for me through all of this - though I couldn't always recognize it at all. He never gave up on me - even when I gave up on me... I was never alone.
My Christmas wish is that you never give up on you - and remember that you are never alone. Showing up for ourselves and each other makes the world a better place. Peace and Merry Christmas xxx
Thank you Tasha for your posts. I have begun this journey of setting boundaries and your initial post resonated with me. Setting personal is a learning process.
I like this a lot.
I see it as saying that I am responsible for backing up my boundaries (and I better ale sure I can do that.) And that boundaries being "internal" means I can't expect others to DO what I say, but I can do what I told them I'd do.
Also, I better make sure I know that the person is really doing what I think they're doing before I set one. Sometimes it's just my pride and ego or my disease taking my head for a ride and I'm wrong.
I also have to know how to seen my part. Am I as innocent as I proclaim or am I getting something from being involved with the person too? (I'm not talking about the situation you described.) I say this because I had a guy abuse me believing he had absolutely NO PART in why he was with me. There were plenty of things he wanted and crying victim was not becoming. He made us both look bad.
Boundaries are a DEFENSIVE mechanism. You are correct, you must be prepared to defend them at all costs.
But remember: you must declare that boundary to the other person. Setting a boundary without telling the other person is passive aggressive and could make the situation worse. Once they know the boundary and the consequences, THEY get to make the choice whether to step over the line. If they do, you already stated what you would do so it should be much easier to carry out that action
