The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son has not gone back to the ranch.. Pastor now says he is not allowed back on the ranch. That he has consequences to deal with. He is out in a different state and I feel guilty. I am a mess. Yes I do attend ala-non meetings. I need to find me a new Sponser.. I have a lot of family and friends support.. But this my son has never done this to me. I agree he is not ready. But the thought of death is killing me..
I remember being in that place myself Gaby and then I was left with the question..."Isn't that insane that we feel guilty about the choices and actions of others"? God doesn't even do that. The 3cs work well sister....practice, practice, practice them. ((((hugs)))) in support.
I can see so many familiar feelings in your posts - it is so difficult when we are trying to claw our loved ones back from the edge of a cliff isn't it? And it is so exhausting as well. I thought that I could do it for my husband but it turns out that what I was really doing was wearing myself out with the effort to such an extent that when he did have some lucid moments he just needed to take one look and me to be reminded of what a big mess we were in (and that was a route back to the bottle). It is a whirlwind - can you imagine what that is doing to us? Hair a mess, eyes wild, frown lines et al! So can you find some shelter and work on being ready for everything to turn out right so that you can pick up the pieces when it matters.
Gaby, the very best thing I did was to imagine that all was well, to concentrate my mind on being positive, thinking of the good times and most importantly to rest, knowing that when my husband got better I would be at my best to greet him and anything else that came along. The whole thing is so counter intuitive but for me a good short cut is that whatever you are thinking try thinking the opposite and then see how that feels for you.
Sending you huge love and peace and ((((((hugs))))))).
Gaby, I am much more interested in you, to be honest I am not that interested in what your son is doing, he is behaving the same as all our sons, we know about him, what is there to learn about there, not much really.
I want to know what you are doing to cope, what are you doing to get through this, what have you learned that will help me? or others who are going through this stuff. To me this forum is less about them and more about us. Help me, a Mother that has been in a similar position, show me how you have survived this crisis. What practical steps have you taken? How have you used this program? what part helped the most? Come on Gaby, share your ESHx
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 21st of December 2013 03:47:04 AM
Gaby: What might happen if you asked your HP to show you the things you have done well in your lifetime and wrote down everything that comes to your mind? What might happen if you remembered that you made sure your children were changed, fed, carried, comforted, taken to school and to church and to the doctor and dentist by you? What might happen if you reflected on the colors you like, your favorite seasons, the textures of cloth that most appeal to you?
A kindly priest once told me when the disease had beat me down so much all I could see was what I thought was wrong with me - that my penance/amends to myself was to start looking at what I did well. He told me that if I continued to focus on things that were wrong, soon I wouldn't be able to see God. I did what he said and immediately I felt better.
You have a cross in your avatar. Believe the good news. You are loved. You are forgiven. You are free to choose life and light. You don't have to believe the lies of the disease.
(((Gaby)))
And what should you feel guilty for. You son wanted to go back.....if he didn't and you forced him it's still him that decided to go. Al-anon and MIP is for you not your son. He can have his own recovery program is he wants it. He knows....he's been in rehab before for 5 months...I'm sure he hasn't forgotten it all. It's all there in the back of his head. He will either make right choices or wrong choices but you or the pastor or anyone in this world can not do a thing until HE WANTS IT.
Please start taking care of you...take it one step at a time and one day at a time. It will pass
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have had clients in the rehab I work at that have been in rehab over 20 times. This was his 2nd rehab and his 19...20 years old? Not that I anticipate he will need 20 rehabs, but most people don't get sober and stay sober at 20. It takes the right amount of misery and suffering and living "that way" until you basically are just desperate and willing to do anything to not get high anymore. As his mom, I can imagine the thought of standing by while this process occurs is truly awful....but that's what needs to happen. He has already BS'ed his way through 5 months of rehab to go out and relapse. Rehab and recovery only work when the person is really ready and wanting it. So...do you really want recovery?
I'm glad that you're attending Alanon meetings and looking for a sponsor that can guide you through the steps.
With progressive exposure to the disease without working a strong program, it takes pieces of your soul until there is nothing left. The disease is all about a destructive fall to the bottom of an almost bottomless pit. (hitting the bottom can mean death) Fear, guilt, shame, and focus on your active A kills spirit, sense of self, self-esteem- and from there, things can get much much worse.
Attending open AA meetings in addition to Alanon has helped me tremendously in working a better program. The answer is the same for all of us- the 12 steps- we just do it. We wake up and do it, and do it throughout the day, and we do it at bedtime. It's the most efficient way to improve our situation. Not feeling it yet? Step it up. Make the choice to step it up. Maybe start by making a lists of what you are and are not powerless over and talk it over with someone with a lot of program behind them.
My life is improving, despite what my A is or is not doing and you can have this too. There was a time when I didn't see how this would be possible, but working the program is an active choice. Action. Keep coming back and keep stepping it up because the program does work.
What is your son doing to you? Are you more invested in a pity party than recovery? We are taking a stand for your life....show us that you are doing the same. You talk, where is your action? Address your actions, your insights into YOU, keep the focus on you. Let your son be....we all can hold him in prayer, have faith those prayers and let go of what you want. It seems you want him to make you feel better. Lots of love sweet Gaby.
I pray that you are sitting in a Face to face Al-Anon meeting this morning....Meeting makers make it:) I chose to throw myself into my recovery many years ago, it allowed me to take my sights off the A and get them on me where they belonged...
I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it. Please share with us what YOU are doing for YOU?:)
There is no way to say this nicely, just factual....
"But my son has never done this to me" is one of your quotes. Your son is not trying to DO Anything to you. The only thing he is trying to do is get himself out of the hell he has created for himself. Your actions and choices are yours you choose them on a minute, hourly, daily basis. If you chose to be sick with worry, this is on you, your son is a separate person, and has no control over you, don't blame him. WAKE UP GABY listen to Alanon wisdom and the experienced people on this board they are both tried and true....in support with prayers...og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
