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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> A lengthy update
Post Info TOPIC: A lengthy update
HisMrsWright


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A lengthy update
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Hi everyone! I have tried to write an update for days and I can't ever find enough time to do much. Working full time with 2 small children and taking are of life by myself has me running ragged! 

 
I continue to read and learn all of the information I can about codependency, being a wife of an alcoholic, and anything I can to help ME. I have codependent no more and the workbook. I read a little every day and write a little. I have been regularly attending al anon meetings and I still plan to see a therapist regularly, or as regularly enough as the appointments allow because I have a very limited schedule. I feel positive for the first time in a while. Genuinely positive that I am going to find which way is up in my life. I am starting to dig deeper into myself and am finding I am extremely confused and I am grateful for a licensed therapist who is unbiased to help me sort my "craziness" out. :) 
 
I went to a meeting last night and as always I left filled with hope and peace from others stories. I got to thinking about the anonymity of the program afterward and I felt how it is such a great thing to walk into a room and be able to spill your guts and not be judged and not have to worry who finds out what you've been talking about because they all understand and they all have been there. In everyday life I can't find that. It's really hard to find people who won't judge me or tell me to just leave in every day life. Truthfully I have one friend I feel 100% comfortable talking with about anything I'm going through. She's been in the same situation. Her alcoholic passed away a few weeks ago from alcohol poisoning while she was setting firm on her boundaries. My heart hurts for her  but at the same time my heart is joyful that she had found the strength to know she needed to walk away. That's a difficult thing to do and actually mean it. But anyway I appreciate being able to share with others who also appreciate my stories. I am finding my record has turned too many times and I have spoken way too much about life and I kind I regret not being more choosy. Now people are asking me how things are with this of that and I don't know how to say its none of your business in a nice way. I don't want to feel judged for my decisions and I would rather just not talk about it anymore and I don't know how to do that without coming off as a bitch.
 
Also after leaving the meeting I was thinking about how beforehand I said I was going to buy a book next week and mentioned I had the codependent no more books and one lady said its no al anon approved. Am I not "allowed" to follow it too? I understand I couldn't bring it in and say do this or that because its not part of Al Anon but if its part of my own recovery I would love to share just a simple fact this or that helped me. Not examples from the book. Just that I read this, did that, went here , etc and its helped ME. Does this make sense? 
 
I struggle with my family understanding this also especially my dad. My husbands family too but I'm trying to avoid that part of the family until I've healed more myself because I jump of the deep end every time I open my mouth with those people and I'm aware of it so it is best for me to speak very little to them. It drives me nuts being aware and knowing I'm not stupid but doing doing stuff anyway knowing I shouldn't, ack!! So my dad though I called him after the meeting and he said that wasn't long and I said an hour and he asked if a lot of people go and I said usually there are quite a few and many of them have been there for years and years and he said I guess they got tired of it too. I said dad that's not what it's about. I think he thinks what my husband originally thought, its a husband bashing club. I told my dad the program is for me. He just doesn't understand. This coming from the same man who thinks my husband asking if we can do counseling together means he is blaming me for his problem. I never once thought it was my problem or fault and I don't think he blames me either. That's why it is so confusing to me because I don't see the reason he does it but its not for me to know. It's for me to leave up to the HP to take over. But my dad just doesn't get it. I am started to speak less about my life to him anymore because I feel judged there too.
 
My husband has been in rehab for 15 days today. He has 13 more. I've only spoken to him a few minutes. He has written a few letters. He says different things than he has before when he stopped drinking but it all goes back to the I will never do this again phrase. He has started opening up closed doors inside himself and I think they're helping him dig deeper to figure things out. I don't know what to do because I feel like its all been said before and ended the same. I'm also struggling with control still. Wondering what he's doing, who's he's meeting etc. I try hard to push it out of my head. I know the only person I can control is me. I have told him before he leaves there and can come home we need to meet together with someone and make a plan. The more I think about it I don't know if I want him to come home. Digging up all of my emotions trying to help myself has made this all the more confusing. All of his stuff is still in a storage unit in the apt complex basement. I took it out of my house about a month ago. My biggest fear is being forced Into some situation. I would love for him to come home but I would not love the same cycle and how do I know there's a change? I have been praying and asking God for answers and I am being directed toward the vows we took. It is all just sooo much at once!
 
Well thanks for reading. Off to work. I love this site. I love al anon. I am starting to love me. I appreciate  everything everyone has told me here. I haven't responded much but I do mean it, thank you so much!


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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:
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HisMrsWright wrote:

 

 
I went to a meeting last night and as always I left filled with hope and peace from others stories. I got to thinking about the anonymity of the program afterward and I felt how it is such a great thing to walk into a room and be able to spill your guts and not be judged and not have to worry who finds out what you've been talking about because they all understand and they all have been 
 
 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Mrs Wright
I am glad that your hubby is seeking recovery and that you have found support and, tools and recovery at alanon face to face meetings.
In the above sentence you ask  about outside literature.    The answer is a  simple" Of Coarse you are allowed to read "or do anything that you believe will help your recovery.  
 
Many alanon groups stick strictly to the Traditions and ask that no outside literature be mentioned by members at a meeting .
The Traditions that they site are:  Tradition 6 (never endorse an outside enterprise) and Tradition 10 ( we have no opinion on outside issues).  
 
I am sure your group has a  Business Meetings and this would be  a good topic to review.
 
Keep on keeping on  Glad you are back
 


-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 20th of December 2013 08:39:44 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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What a great morning reading postsaww You are working our program and doing great with your insights and questions.  You will get your answers, keep sharing and listening.  And to answer your question about non al anon approved books...it certainly is ok to read whatever you find helpful and share your insights.  To keep al anon meetings clean, though, it is best not to mention sources, unless it is al anon approved.  The meetings could become a free for all if there were no guidelines and it would become confusing to newcomers.

I understand your apprehension about having your husband home.  That is a healthy concern.  My husband and I were separated when he went to rehab for the second time and I had no intention of letting him move back home.  In time, however, I knew it was a the right move to invite him back.  However, the first night back (Christmas eve)  I woke up in a panic wondering "what the heck did I do and did I do the right thing???""  I had buyer's remorse.  When I went back to bed I had a dream that indicated to me that I did, indeed, take the right action.  Do I still second guess?  Yep, but I have learned that it is my default to want to run and fantasize about living on a desert island somewhere when we have conflict....that is one of my  shortcomings.  Take good care, you are doing a fine job working your program.



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Paula
Courage


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Glad to hear that Al-Anon and this website is helping. You are free to find help anywhere, especially in more face-to-face meetings. It is suggested that newcomers hold off making major changes in their lives for at least six months after starting Al-Anon, simply because of all the changes in attitude and thinking.

Hope you continue to find the help and support you need; all of your Al-Anon friends will be there for you.

Best wishes - and One Day at a Time!

Courage (Della) :)


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SerenityRUS


~*Service Worker*~

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My Friday night group has about an hour "after" meeting that we are free to bring up things that are not alanon .. I agree during the meeting or before it's all CAL which I understand. I was made aware one meeting I can't talk about AA .. at the time I didn't know that .. it just is what it is and that's ok. At that after meeting we are formally done with alanon so it's more relaxed. Hugs!

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Debilyn


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Your recovery is your own. If that book helps you great! Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew, volume one is a great book to guide and teach us. It isn't approved but it is a great tool.

I invite you to research addicts if you choose to. It may help you to understand the disease better. Believe me days in rehab are not much. Great start of course. But with most, to gain a strong recovery program, takes years.

The recommendation when he walks out  is a recovery house, or other, then when or if he gets out of that, 90 AA  meetings in 90 days or more. He will still need help.

I completely understand your not being ready for him to come home. You are on a program of recovery too. It takes lots of work and heart to learn all about this and put skills to use.

Hope you keep sharing. love!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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slogan_jim


Senior Member

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Posts: 372
Date:
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HisMrsWright wrote:

Also after leaving the meeting I was thinking about how beforehand I said I was going to buy a book next week and mentioned I had the codependent no more books and one lady said its no al anon approved. Am I not "allowed" to follow it too? I understand I couldn't bring it in and say do this or that because its not part of Al Anon but if its part of my own recovery I would love to share just a simple fact this or that helped me. Not examples from the book. Just that I read this, did that, went here , etc and its helped ME. Does this make sense? 

 

 

Some people are extremely anal about this. I've see people get called out in meetings, even by way of cross-talk, that they are not to bring in any outside influences through the doors of al-anon. The rule is in place so the purpose of the fellowship doesn't get diluted. The purpose of going to al-anon is to follow the 12 steps and traditions of recovery.

Sometimes some people can get carried away by expressing how 'Dr. so and so's book has been such a blessing, you should all buy it' or 'Following jesus or the qu'ran has given me such peace and I recommend you all get on board!'. It can sound like a sales job and quite frankly off-putting.

We had one instance in my District where a long-time member had written a book about her story/recovery. She had been going around to members after the meetings and peddling it....

Another instance at a conference an aspring motivational speaker came in and let us know she had the key solving any suffering and if she could only speak with the committee chair...

Now, with that being said, I have read many non-alanon books that have allowed me to make huge strides in my recovery and have brought up stuff in meetings.
 
The trick to getting around it, speak as if you're the one discovered it and suddenly had an aha! moment on your journey of recovery. Never mention any books or tapes or speakers.
 

 

 



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