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Tomorrow, daughter has her "end of year" party. I know, she just had a halloween party but the whole concept of "opening up our house" and actually inviting people over is sort of a symbolic step for me; I'm not going to hide in my home in shame and not let anyone in, nor let my daughter feel that way anymore. So a few parties etc seemed a great way to kick it off, and let my girl have some fun at the same time.
One of the main reasons we couldn't invite anyone in before was the horrific mess the A leaves everywhere. Well I started small, by inviting a friend in for dinner once a week and my suspicions came true- when A realised that there would be other people in our home, he started to confine his mess to his room and to hastily clean up his empty bottles, rubbish etc from the living room, shower, toilet, kitchen, driveway....sometimes I think empty bottles and dirty dishes just rain down around him wherever he walks..but anyway, insisting on having people here has had a wonderful side-effect, as I had hoped it might.
So anyway, this morning he decided to mow the lawn. This is a good thing. The bad part is that 5 minutes after starting, he stormed into my room and started yelling at me. "I don't know how you can expect me to mow when you have left crap all over the lawn. You should see how much &^%^ you have left out there". "And the dog crap. I told you I would mow the lawn regularly if you picked up all of the dog crap so how come it's all over the lawn?" He got really aggressive and when I calmly asked him to stop he got quite mental..."How come, huh? Can't answer me, can you? Huh?" etc. Bizarre because he has mown the lawn 1.5 times in almost 18 months and last time my stepdad drove 4 hours to come and do it because he wouldn't. The dogs mess gets cleaned up regularly and thus far it hasn't prompted him to develop the mowing bug....anyway.
I went outside and calmly picked up "all the mess" (there was one plastic bag, a bone the dog had been chewing and the outdoor table and chairs). And an incredibly small amount of dog mess. He stood there with his arms folded during the 2 minutes it took me to get the lawn striped bare hurling insults at me. I calmly said "I know you are trying to make me snap and say something rude so that you can not mow the lawn and tell you didn't do it because of my "attitude". Sorry, I'm not going to play that game today".
He stood gaping at me for a while and I gave him a smile and went back inside. As I walked in he tried again "What was that look for, huh? I'm only mowing this for you, I couldn't care less if it grows as high as the house".
"OK, well I appreciate it, thanks" I said and went inside and blow me down, he gave up trying to force me into a fight and mowed it.
So is it good that the lawn got mowed or bad that I let him abuse the crap out of me and stand over me making me pick up a couple of things that he could easily have picked up himself? I can't decide.
I know that on the weekend my parents are coming with new/old fridge (yay) and stepdad is going to bring his tools and show me how to change the washer on my kitchen tap which has been leaking for months. And on their way home they're going to drive me back to the store to return the pool I bought (yep, it's a dud after all that effort- took me a whole day of trying to set it up and fill it to find this out lol) and then they are going to drop my daughter to her dad's house on their way to their beach-house, saving me an 8-10 hour journey....they are definitely good things. (TY HP for amazing parents).
But the A doing stuff that he damn well should be doing anyway, and abusing me as if that is his payment...well I don't know where I stand on that. I could tell him to go to hell and keep doing it all myself but then life is so much harder...it's good that the lawn is mowed...I guess...
I'm going to be living here until the end of summer. For the moment life is tolerable. ABF works and spends the rest of his time in his room playing computer games. We are pretty much just "housemates" which isn't workable in the long term but in the short-term it's OK. After summer I will assess how things are and by then my brother will have moved out of my parents and the option of staying there and saving a bit of money to move into a new place will be available. So worrying about these kinds of exchanges isn't me ignoring the bigger picture, it's just me feeling my way around and trying to be sure that for the next 3 months I live life on my own terms and am inconvenienced as little as possible by A and his disease. If that makes any sense at all. What would others have done? Told him to go knit himself a jumper and mowed it yourself? Or ignored the insults and been happy to have the job done?
I guess what I mean is, I'm trying to get myself into the habit of accepting help. I've living in an isolated world where I felt alone and overwhelmed and hopeless and pushed everyone away for a really long time so instead I'm reaching out a little for help and accepting when it is offered (like asking my friend to drop me at the dentist instead of taking the bus the other day, and like letting my parents help me with some of the practical stuff that I can't/don't know how to do on my own) and that feels amazing. I feel so much more like a part of the world and I'm finding that I can be helpful right back and it isn't awkward or stressful, it's actually quite nice with "normal" people. Give and take, what a concept! But when it comes to ABF, I don't know where the line is. I'm tired of being responsible for absolutely everything while he relaxes. His tactics of arguing until I snap have always gotten him out of contributing in the past. It's a confusing one.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Thursday 19th of December 2013 01:29:54 PM
Melly You did not engage!!! Great !!! Going out and picking up the "mess" was your choice. As I see it , you processed the situation, saw that your part was to clean up the lawn as agreed to previously, did it with a smile and not anger and wonder of wonders---- It worked.
I believe that was a win win for YOU. Progress not perfection and You are indeed making progress.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of December 2013 02:39:32 PM
Agreed. It wasn't the "picking up mess" that I had a problem with, it was the "allowing him to speak to me that way". I don't know if anyone can properly imagine, but before I began this journey (it began with "Women Who Love Too Much" and then "Codependant No More", then another online addiction forum and now here at MIP and alanon) he spoke to, and treated me as if I was a badly behaved dog. It was disgusting and I had no idea how to deal with it. I lived in daily misery and shame because I truly had no idea how to stand up for myself or demand better treatment. I have come such a long, long way with what I will and won't accept from him so allowing him to abuse me this morning for the sake of having the lawn mowed was...uncomfortable. Did it send him the message that it's OK to start speaking to me like that again? I guess it isn't my job to send him messages. It just felt yuk. I wont ever allow myself to be in that sad, abused position again and it felt a little like he was "testing the boundaries" or something. I suppose I didn't let it rattle me so I'm doing OK.
Melly , you sound good!! You got your lawn mowed, ok he acted like a child but he done it and that's good for you. His abuse can only abuse us if we let it. What I mean is he might say blah blah but you get to choose what penetrates, you are the master of your mind and considering A's talk that much rubbish at times why would we even consider letting their crap in?
I know for me I began with 'keep it simple' so if there was any raised voices or name calling I would calmly and quietly say - I don't want to be spoken to that way and if you continue I will have to leave the room, and if it continued I calmly and quietly left the room, if I was followed I left that room and you know what this technique really works. He will learn really soon. Its like training him in the way to treat you. Don't argue or defend or try to change this is totally useless and steals your serenity.
These boundaries gave me a brilliant feeling, I felt like I was sticking up for myself, my self esteem began to soar, I felt strong and began trusting myself, I felt like for the first time I was looking after myself, I broke the cycle of victim, abuser, rescuer. I can fall into this pattern again from time to time and I have slips but I learned how to do it and its a powerful tool. Take care.x
I do understand Melly Please remember you are not the sad frightened little girl any longer. You have rebuilt your self esteem, and self worth You know you are an intelligent, witty, talented, desirable woman. You made a choiice today and it did not feel good. You can learn from that and going forward decide to respond differently
Yeah it's true. It really doesn't matter what he does or doesn't think he can get away with anymore, does it? I AM vastly different. When he's angry or mean, I'm not frightened that "he doesn't love me anymore, whatever am I to do?". I don't run around in circles trying to appease him whilst he gets ever meaner and meaner. I can barely even understand who that girl was, or what she was thinking, although I know she was me and sometimes I'd like to reach back in time and give her a cuddle. But oh, the things I tolerated and the ways I begged for forgiveness while he raged and twisted and abused. It seems like a lifetime ago. This morning was a reminder, I guess. The fact that it sickened me is a good thing, really. And I didn't care that he was angry or thinking ill of me. It didn't even cross my mind to try to apologise or "make him love me again". I didn't even make him lunch to take to work because screw it, he was rude so tough luck. And when he stormed out the door and left I didn't chase after him begging for a "goodbye". I didn't bat an eyelid, when I think about it. So that's pretty good progress. Yay
Amazing the simple changes we can make when we listen to ourselves and give to ourselves the kindness we wanted from others. Nice share, Melly. I don't have to accept the unacceptable comes through as the backdrop to your share. (((M)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 19th of December 2013 10:58:33 PM
