She Crushed Me - Al-Anon Family Group

PatrickSean · Newbie

She Crushed Me

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, what a rough ride! hmm Time maybe to feel angry, gutted, sad what might have been... alcoholism is a nasty illness. It wrecks lives, and the lives of all around.... time maybe to begin to take care of yourself and make plans to move on. You deserve a lot better than this!

Aroha,

DavidG.

New Zealand.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry for all the trauma.... alcoholism is a cunning, baffling disease. You won't get sane results when dealing with the insanity of alcoholism. Time to pull yourself together and carry on... it is all we can do. Use this site, attend alanon meetings face to face. It does help and it will also give you some understanding of the disease.

breamanic665 · Member

i can understand your feelings, and though our situations are different, the end result is the same.

i stood by him too when he had no one, and he abruptly ended it yesterday, citing that I deserve more than he can give me in life. this of course after a moonlight and roses and promises of a future weekend together. he built me up only to crush me again. i cant understand exactly why people do the things they do. for good hearted people, it's like trying to understand some sort of footlong math problem and you are just left puzzled, because you wouldnt even know how to begin to do something like that.

i am left shaking, reeling, tattered and torn up. Like a tornado chewed me up and spit me out on the other side, and my A was always so good to me and treated me with a lot of love and tenderness. This makes it even more challenging to reconcile that now I've been banished, like somethings wrong with me, like I wasnt good enough. Probably I actually wasn't "bad" enough.

i will be on the journey with you to find out if it gets better. i still believe and have faith and hope that it does. I think our own minds have been polluted by living with addiction. It will take a while for us to heal. Just know there are people in the world who wont do these things to you. There are good people still left out here, sprinkled in with the rest.

Prayers

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear PatrickSean

You are not alone. Please keep coming back. Al anon is a journey and it works if you work it. There is hope in the arms of Al anon.
I'm so very sorry for what has happened. Please try to find a face to face meeting if you can.

I was told the last four years was a complete lie. I too have children, two from a previous relationship and a 1 year old from this most recent. I have come to see that it was no lie for me. The disease will find a way to manipulate any way possible with or without the drink in hand.

Please be sure to H.A.L.T. eat when you are Hungry, vent and reach out to us here or find a meeting when you are Angry or Lonely and be sure to rest when you are Tired.

In Support
Mari

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

My situation is a bit different as my son is full-grown, but my A also devastated me and hurt my son and his wife. We have been together 22 yrs and I never knew she was an A, never thought she would cheat (had an affair of the heart), and trusted her 100% only to find out she had an entire secret life going on for 8 years which included lying, drinking, and sneaking around. I was completely disrespected. Any mention of the affair person, which she kept in touch with in spite of my protests, left me with a PTSD tpye reaction of shaking, getting anxiety, not sleeping, and really going a bit nuts. I started alanon f2f at the end of June and became a member of this board a few months before that. We are still together, with her in program. The future of my relationship is unknown. I feel like I will never trust her again, and I feel zero romance. However, I am getting better! I feel happy sometimes and I'm learning a whole new way to think and behave. Just give alanon a try, Lyne

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I had this happen to me this year. As usual I learned somethings. Been alone over ten years, he was not an A but co on his wife.

Anyway what I see is this, we become so familiar with that person, their kids, their car, we eat with them, share with them. It all makes a routine. Who likes to be torn away from a routine?

The devistation gets better as we make a new routine. We get used to cooking alone, watching tv and doing crafts or whatever. Your life will be what you make it.

At first it is horribly hard as you have a deep, bloody, torn up injury! So I found I had to rest as much as I could. I came here, shared and was given so much love and support.

You may have to make yourself eat, eat healthy, drink good water. Even if you don't feel like it go do stuff. Even if it is just going to get a pizza. Go see friends. You know there are steps we have to do when any part of us has to heal. So use steps to help your heart. Loving others, allowing them to love you. Hang out at others homes, even if you just watch tv and sit.

Sadly A's and others may not bond as hard as some. Also A's are addicts, addicts don't always drink, a person can be addicted to a lot of things. Just taking away the drug or gambling etc is not the answer. A's are selfish, manipulate, lie, and more. there are many symptomes of being an addict. Its not just the drinking. If that goes away, there is still the selfishness, low or no morals, not really caring about consequences.

that is why the people who do the best, as far as A's are the ones who go to AA and develop an plan of recovery just for them. they may get up and talk to their hp everyday,choose not to use that day. choose not to lie. They may want to work on being moral and caring. Learn how to ask how someone else is. Learn how to ask questions!

Just not using, they call white knuckling. they are always uptight, not comfortable in their own skin, always putting them first. You are seeing this.

So we have to remember to do everything healthy, accept love and caring from others. I simply said to people, he is very very sick. No one would ever choose to be an A.

You have kids who need you to be ok. Of course one can share they feel lost. But also share you are an adult and things will be ok. Kids need to know their parents are ok. Especially when losing their parents sig other or spouce.

We can help you thru this. Please remember this woman is not well. No matter what she says or does, you don't have to stand up for yourself. All who matter are you and the kids. Her evilness is sadly her own to deal with or not.

sending you hugz, debilyn

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

DavidG wrote:
Oh, what a rough ride! Time maybe to feel angry, gutted, sad what might have been... alcoholism is a nasty illness. It wrecks lives, and the lives of all around.... time maybe to begin to take care of yourself and make plans to move on. You deserve a lot better than this!
Aroha,
DavidG.
New Zealand.

OMG...I could not agree with David more.....when someone like that dumped me in the past, i ended up grateful that they did......she is a nightmare and a disaster......u really can do better........i truly hope you give alanon a chance, find yourself in the steps and meetings, study the slogans and put them to practice and take care of you........as you get healthier, you will see she did u a big favor leaving you......and you will never get into a nest of hornets like this again.....i would take this as my lesson that i need to work on me...get to know and love me and find out why , what was my need, that caused me to stay w/her as long as i did.......ya know??? I used to attract and try to "help" the walking wounded, now i RUN!!! i am not their saviour....I want an equal relationship and the "fixer uppers" do not attract me anymore......thanks to the 12 steps recovery groups of alanon, and acoa....I am becoming whole and demanding better in my life.....

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Sorry to hear this Patrick. I'll point out what jumped out at me in your post and try and speak form my experience, strength and hope.

"She ran off with the guy she met at the rehab centre and friends say they are madly in love"
She is in love with the ability to drink/drug without being hounded. He is also an addict/alcoholic. They will enable each other to keep up their addictions. This is going to be a sh!tstorm and I can speak from first hand experience. My alcoholic father moved in his gf after only a few weeks with her son. It was 5 of us in a 2-bedroom apt.....Not only did they argue in drunken rages consistently every night, but they ultimately developed a hatred so vile for each other you could cut the tension with a knife. How could 2 people like that stay together? Simple. They gave each other reasons to keep drinking and enabled each other to continue the destruction of their lives because they ultimately hated themselves.....Your example sounds eerily similar.

"She got a restraining order against me and I've never touched my kids"
Judges and law enforcement aren't stupid. They deal with addicts all the time. They likely know her history and her patterns, etc. They know yours to. If she files an order, they have to process it but my guess is they are watching her more than they are watching you.

"I stood for her when she had no one. I stayed when I should have left. I loved. I loved her kids. I tried to be the right man and do the right thing"
Sit back and ask yourself your motives. You loved her, that's fair but were you trying to rescue her? Be the hero? The one who saves the day for her and her kids? Many people in relationships with addicts feel they are the ones pulling all the wait so they try and take on the world because 'if they don't, noone else will'. 'If she won't properly care for her kids, who will? As painful as it is, they are her kids...not yours, regardless how close you were. If you are THAT concerned there is the option of phoning child services in your area.

I suggest attending an al-anon meeting in your area. I have been going for 3.5 years and it's the best decision I have ever made.

All the best,

Jim

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Why expect an emotionally broken and incomplete alcoholic to make rational, sensitive, and morally sound decisions? Alcoholics with no recovery have very limited ability to love freely. They love whoever best fills their vacuum of neediness at any given time.

Not that I don't feel for you or empathize. What you are describing is horrible and unfair. But you asked who does this kind of thing? An untreated alcoholic. An awful lesson to learn the hard way but when you get like a million red flags that someone is not healthy for themselves, their kids, and you, it helps to look at why you stick around. I know because you loved her and hoped that would help her get well. That's not how alcoholism or relationships in general work though. If you are going to be with someone, it ought to be their privilege to be in your life, not your job to convince them or change them so you can stay in theirs while they don't even acknowledge the importance of your life and the other people in it. You've proven yourself worthy of much more.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

pinkchip wrote:
Why expect an emotionally broken and incomplete alcoholic to make rational, sensitive, and morally sound decisions? Alcoholics with no recovery have very limited ability to love freely. They love whoever best fills their vacuum of neediness at any given time.

Not that I don't feel for you or empathize. What you are describing is horrible and unfair. But you asked who does this kind of thing? An untreated alcoholic. An awful lesson to learn the hard way but when you get like a million red flags that someone is not healthy for themselves, their kids, and you, it helps to look at why you stick around. I know because you loved her and hoped that would help her get well. That's not how alcoholism or relationships in general work though. If you are going to be with someone, it ought to be their privilege to be in your life, not your job to convince them or change them so you can stay in theirs while they don't even acknowledge the importance of your life and the other people in it. You've proven yourself worthy of much more.

Extremely well said, imo

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