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My boyfriend's single mother was an alcoholic for the first 20 years of his life. She eventually went to AA and became sober for 10 years and for the past couple of years, she has started drinking again. She told him that she started drinking again after my boyfriend in a way vented his frustrations with her while she was recovering at a hospital for hip surgery. I was present during that time and I can attest that she was out of control, rude, and extremely demanding to him which led him to "crack" and basically tell her his truth. Prior to her hospital visit she would demand $ from my boyfriend because she was and still is in some financial trouble. The reason why he wanted to tell his truth to her was because her behavior during that time reminded him of all the years he had to take care of her while she was drinking. Since she is divorced, she raised him herself and their mother/son roles are very much messed up. She does have a husband mind you, but doesn't respect him really and he doesn't live with her, but in an apt 1 hour away from her.
They went to 1 session with a therapist together many years ago and didn't even speak about her alcoholism. She has a sponsor and we believe that she is going to AA meetings, though we don't know how often and she is under anti-depressant medications as well.
She has basically blamed my boyfriend's venting for the reason she has recently started to drink. They recently had a phone conversation where my boyfriend said," I know you have been drinking" which I thought was good for the two of them b/c she hasn't spoken about her recent drinking, but she now has told my boyfriend that she can tell that he is angry at her for drinking. In my boyfriend's defense, he is just trying to talk about her drinking rather than mask it.
Since that "venting" incident happened during the holidays, she has said that she is traumatized by it and in turn, basically ruins the season for my boyfriend. She told him that they should talk about more about this before her husband comes over for Christmas and my boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable b/c whatever he says to her, she gets defensive, blames him for something, and wants him to just wash his hands of everything. He would like to have a professional on hand instead to be the mediator. Would that be the best thing to do at this point? He is already ok with the fact that she probably will never apologize for all the pain she has caused with her behavior and drinking.
My opinion is that if they want to drink they will. They will find any reason - whether it is a traumatic event or something that would not bother a "normal" person to drink. It is always our fault no matter what.
It sounds to me like your bf (and you as well) are trying to fix her.
Consistently 'talking things through' and 'bringing in professionals' will not solve anything. It may stabilize the drinking for a few days but it starts up again and you're back to talking things through.....the circle repeats.
Your bf needs to practice loving detachment. His mom is manipulating him. He needs to work on his reactions and his thinking. He is just as nuts as she is.
He should get to an al-anon meeting. You can go with him.
As a Mom, I feel sad for your bf. Healthy Moms don't make it their kids' fault when they choose to do things that they know are poison for them. His Mom isn't going to change unless she decides she's had enough of her stuff. But, your bf and you can attend Al-Anon meetings to learn more about alcoholism and how it affects us. No one is immune from the effects of this disease. We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it. But, we can arrest its affects on us in Al-Anon. One of the side effects of chronic drinking is immaturity. Blaming other people for our choices is an immature way to think and it smacks of a victim mentality. There isn't really anything you can do to help your bf other than to encourage him to attend Al-Anon meetings for his sake. Once is enough. Anymore than that is trying to change him. There is nothing he can do for his Mom either other than to encourage her to return to AA. Even if he chooses not to attend Al-Anon meetings, you can still go for you. Alcoholism permeates our culture. It is a very healthy thing to attend those meetings if you have a friend or a relative whose drinking bothers you. Attending meetings, working the Steps, getting a sponsor will benefit you in many ways.
With my own A, I've learned that there seems to be a bottomless pit of need and demands and accusations. I've learned to accept this is part of the disease and most of the time I don't take it personally. I know its not my son speaking. It is the disease talking. The disease - depending on how far it has progressed - pretty much sounds the same through the mouth of a Dad, a Mom, a spouse and an adult child. Al-Anon helps us learn how to avoid allowing what the disease says to make a difference to us. It also helps us avoid being victimized ourselves by a disease that is no respecter of any person in an alcohol-affected environment.
I am sorry for the sadness, confusions and chaos. You have received some great feedback here....one of the ways out of this mess is through the tools of al anon. I heard recently that what we don't transform (within us) we transmit. If alcoholics do not transform their stuff, they will transmit that stuff to others. If the person affected by the alcoholism does not transform their stuff from living with the alcoholic, they will, too, transmit their stuff. You are being affected by your boyfriend's mother and your boyfriend. So glad you reached out, now you have begun to help yourself
-- Edited by PP on Thursday 19th of December 2013 09:29:03 AM
Thank you everyone for your response. It seems as if she is really not doing very well and is blaming everything on her son and she told him that he is a horrible son which breaks my heart b/c he has given her close to $9000, listens to her negative rants on the phone among other things. She accuses him of being angry at her for her history of drinking and her money issues and has turned everything around to make herself the victim which is how she copes with everything. I've tried to tell my boyfriend that she has an illness and that your roles as a mother and son are not healthy and recommended that he goes to a therapist and alanon. He told me that he thinks that putting up boundaries with her will only make it worse, but I told him, he has no other choice. Lord knows how she will be once the two of us get married, she wants to be #1 all the time and is still having a hard time with him moving 1 hour away and feels neglected. On top of everything, she now is telling my boyfriend that he reminds her of her of his father (her ex husband) and that is traumatic for her because he left her because she was an addict 35 years ago (and still is). Mind you, she is going to a psychiatrist and a therapist and we think AA, she still cannot cope with her past and is posing blame on her son. I sincerely hopes that my boyfriend goes to receive help on how to cope with her.
