Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying to Help out Boyfriend with Alcoholic Mother
Post Info TOPIC: Trying to Help out Boyfriend with Alcoholic Mother
brendastarr


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:
Trying to Help out Boyfriend with Alcoholic Mother
Permalink  

My boyfriend's single mother was an alcoholic for the first 20 years of his life. She eventually went to AA and became sober for 10 years and for the past couple of years, she has started drinking again.  She told him that she started drinking again after my boyfriend in a way vented his frustrations with her while she was recovering at a hospital for hip surgery.  I was present during that time and I can attest that she was out of control, rude, and extremely demanding to him which led him to "crack" and basically tell her his truth.  Prior to her hospital visit she would demand $ from my boyfriend because she was and still is in some financial trouble. The reason why he wanted to tell his truth to her was because her behavior during that time reminded him of all the years he had to take care of her while she was drinking.  Since she is divorced, she raised him herself and their mother/son roles are very much messed up.  She does have a husband mind you, but doesn't respect him really and he doesn't live with her, but in an apt 1 hour away from her.  

They went to 1 session with a therapist together many years ago and didn't even speak about her alcoholism. She has a sponsor and we believe that she is going to AA meetings, though we don't know how often and she is under anti-depressant medications as well.    

She has basically blamed my boyfriend's venting for the reason she has recently started to drink.  They recently had a phone conversation where my boyfriend said," I know you have been drinking" which I thought was good for the two of them b/c she hasn't spoken about her recent drinking, but she now has told my boyfriend that she can tell that he is angry at her for drinking.  In my boyfriend's defense, he is just trying to talk about her drinking rather than mask it. 

Since that "venting" incident happened during the holidays, she has said that she is traumatized by it and in turn, basically ruins the season for my boyfriend.  She told him that they should talk about more about this before her husband comes over for Christmas and my boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable b/c whatever he says to her, she gets defensive, blames him for something, and wants him to just wash his hands of everything. He would like to have a professional on hand instead to be the mediator.  Would that be the best thing to do at this point?  He is already ok with the fact that she probably will never apologize for all the pain she has caused with her behavior and drinking. 

 

 



__________________
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:
Permalink  

When someone around us is an alcoholic, we get sucked into the insanity.  We start to overfocus on the drinking person and underfocus on ourselves and what we can control.

It sounds as if your boyfriend could benefit from Al-Anon.  And you are clearly in the orbit too, so you could benefit too.

Do look for a meeting in your area.  There will be a phone number in the phone book.  They say to try 6 meetings because they're all different.  Read all the threads on here that you can, get the literature.

Hang in there.  I hope you'll keep coming back.



__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Very good question. Best thing to do might be this good book, volume one, Getting Them Sober, by toby rice drew.

I can venture a guess if she was on program not drinking before surgery, the reason she started using again was she had a medical relpase from the drugs during or after surgery. No matter what it had nothing to do with your bf. She drinks becuz she is an addict.

Be great for you two to go to meetings, keep coming here.

Does not matter what mil does or says to your bf. It's totally up to him if he wants to stick around or not.

Al Anon really can help you. I hope you will keep coming. love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying to Help out Boyfriend with Alcoholic Mother