New Here - Al-Anon Family Group

MaestraJ · Member

New Here

anonymous214 · Member

Welcome MaestraJ! You're SO in the right place :) I identify with your feelings of frustration and "if only he'd"... I started attending Al-anon at 27yrs old while dating someone who's drinking bothered me (that was after dating numerous other types of addicts including potheads). Both of my parents are alcoholics (Mom 11yrs sober) and Al-anon gave me clarity into some of my behaviors I got from my childhood that I eventually wanted to change. This in turn slowly helped me learn and implement some better approaches to dealing in relationships. Even today, it isn't always a walk in the park but my life is quantifiably better than it was 4 years ago (and by that I mean YAYYY! haha). I hope you'll be able to find an in-person meeting and try to make contact with people in your community...eventually find a sponsor. That's what worked for me! And to remember you'd didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it (we refer to as the 3 C's). I will say a prayer for you and hope you will keep exploring the Al-anon program - it's a real life changer :)

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Masetra-

You are not alone. We have lived with or are living with very similar circumstances here; please keep coming back there's a ton of support and strength on these boards.

YF

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Masetra,
This is a wonderful place - I have spent hours reading past posts and the ESH that comes with them and I think that you will find lots to help you here as well. Have you ever been to a face to face alanon meeting? I've learnt to try to keep the focus on myself and what I need; I've learnt to ask myself 'what am I getting from this?' (or even what am I loosing with this?).
I hope that you will stick around

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

When he is stoned (which is at least once a night, more on the weekends), I feel bitter, angry, hurt, and frustrated.

****************
welcome to alanon....i no longer associate w/addicts be it drinking or drugs, sex, gambling, et al and i owe it all to alanon...

we dont' say leave or stay, we just suggest to give this program a chance...this program is about the NON using/drinking parnter/relative, the alanon is OUR "life 101" training....

If i were you, I would embrace the steps with a good sponsor, i would examine my past as to why i think this is the best i can do, i would read all the literature i could grab onto, practice all the slogans and go to as many meetings as i can......as long as he is not in recovery, you are going to be what you described above......thats a lot of using....(once a night...more on weekends) that is a LOT.....and the bad news is, unless he gets into recovery, it will get WORSE...so i would embrace the program with both arms and not let go.......hopefully you will discover yourself and love yourself enough to take care of you and let go of what u are not in control of.....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome mae.

I did not see what he does that bothers you when he is stoned. Or more what bothers you about him being stoned. It is about you. I always feel if I love someone and want to be with them, I accept them as is.

If the man I love, likes getting stoned I have to decide if I can live with that, not try to change him. As that is not my job to change anyone.

bitter angry hurt and frustrated? It sounds so personal. What makes one believe it is anything against her? If he wore a white sock and a green sock and it irritated you, would you believe he did it to hurt you?

bitter about what?

angry about what?

hurt?

frustrated?

Because you cannot control his choices? Or he must not love you becuz he won't stop doing something he wants to do?

It was sooo freeing for me when I realized I don't have to respond to others choices, or likes or addictions. Its up to me if I choose to be around them or not, or if I can accept them as it. If my sig other likes pot, and I like him, and he is kind to me etc. then I stay. If he drinks and is mean and obnoxious and I am miserable, then I go.

sure it hurts, not easy.

keep coming!!! You are doing fine figuring this all out! hugz, debilyn

MaestraJ · Member

"It was sooo freeing for me when I realized I don't have to respond to others choices, or likes or addictions. Its up to me if I choose to be around them or not, or if I can accept them as it. If my sig other likes pot, and I like him, and he is kind to me etc. then I stay. If he drinks and is mean and obnoxious and I am miserable, then I go."

I am working hard on this. I agree, but there is something in me that feels rejected and put out by his smoking. As if he chooses it over me. And that's only partially the case. Meaning, he is still jovial, loving, and kind when he is stoned. He is just not someone I would have sex with, try to have an in-depth conversation with, or take to social engagements while he is stoned. Therefore, I feel the hurt comes from there. That he knows how I feel and still chooses to smoke weed, that has always chapped my ass. I am learning that this is not something he is trying to do to me, but rather something he likes to do himself.

".and the bad news is, unless he gets into recovery, it will get WORSE."
This is my biggest fear, though I am putting a lot of faith into his word (a HUGE step for me) when he says he doesn't want to smoke when he becomes a father. He refuses to be a father until he is married, and refuses to marry before he's "absolutely sure." We've been dating for 1.5 years.

Anyway, I have attended one AlAnon meeting, but it was in my local community I grew up in, and there were many people I knew there. I didn't like the feeling. There is a meeting in my new neighborhood on Monday nights. I have struggled to get there because I have made excuses, and because I like watching MNF. :)

-- Edited by MaestraJ on Thursday 19th of December 2013 12:46:30 AM

MaestraJ · Member

Also, thanks for having me, everybody.

anonymous214 · Member

Sounds like you're keeping an open mind and that's wonderful! With the loved ones in my life I remember hearing from a program friend, "What you see is what you get". It was difficult for me to respect my ex before program but I finally got to that place before we eventually broke up (not saying that will happen to you, I have no idea what your journey is) but it was so awesome that God had brought him into my life to make me better and looking back I'm really glad I stayed to the point that I was able to break my denial and changed for the better. I became so much more respectful, patient, honest with myself as a result of those confusing and difficult times. I'm so glad I wasn't impulsive and prayed a lot. My sponsor told me I couldn't make any major decisions so long as I was crying or angry so I stayed for quite a while in a situation that was unideal. Connecting the dots looking back I can see that my HP had the timing perfectly planned. It's between you and your higher power as to what the big beautiful plan is for you and your life. I'm very excited for you and so long as you keep seeking (on these message boards and within yourself with HP) you're going to have some pretty mindblowing revelations. I don't know how else other than Al-anon I would have ever been able to see my part in relationships, discover choices and find more peace within the storm than I have ever known. Just keep coming back! Al-anon will ALWAYS be here for you :) It's a simple program but not always an easy one.. but SO worth it!

-- Edited by anonymous214 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 05:44:09 AM

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