The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Did I take advantage of him or did he just love me more than I deserved? I mean did my dad in the last stages of his life spend too much time enabling me? I know that he loved me but because of my illness could he have done it differently? I know that now is probably the wrong time to bring this up but I read a post just a few minutes ago that struck me. I have those stupid regrets about his passing nearly 2 years ago. I wish I could totally get past them: I am getting closer! I want to not try to figure out how I could have done things differently. I just want to celebrate & celebrate Christmas w/o him. I know that my dad would have wanted me to move on & enjoy my life. He would have wanted me to smile more & cry less. I am definitely working on this. I have come a long way in my recovery. I am equipped to deal w/ all this. I need support though. Any words of wisdom? Today is a new day. I will enjoy every moment I can.
Kathleen, my mother, the dearest mum of 12 children, has been dead now for 14 years. And there is not an anniversary, holiday, special event goes by that I do not think of her and regret. I regret that I did not appreciate her. I regret that I did not understand her very difficult life with a hard, mean man. I regret that I did not stand earlier up for her when he was being critical of something she did. I regret that I did not GET how hard it is to be the mum of twelve children with limited means. I wish often that I could go back and ease her way for her, show her how much she was appreciated because NOW I get it and then I didn't.
And you know something? Every one of my sisters feels the same. So we have vowed to move forward in life following her example and adopting her gentle, loving, caring persona. We constantly ask ourselves if mum would have acted like this when we are feeling petty or vindictive. We celebrate Christmas in her honour as it was her favourite holiday. And we take what we have learned from a wonderful parent and try to pay it forward. We do not live our lives in sorrow because of what we lost way too early in her life. We try to live our lives in celebration of what she was.
Your father sounds much like my mother. They gave and gave so that we could survive, never asking for anything. It is IMHO a dishonor to them if we waste what they gave us. So go ahead and enjoy Christmas, bask in the smells and the colours and the joy of it all. And, if you have to have a few minutes to regret that he is gone and shed a tear, turn around after that and celebrate what he was and what he would want for you.
If being generous towards you made your Dad happy, then it doesn't matter if he was enabling or if you were taking advantage of him, Kathleen. He was giving because he was a generous person and he was being true to himself at the time. My Dad was always easily manipulated and yet my Dad was also very shrewd. He didn't live and doesn't live to get - he has always lived to give. That makes him happy. When he doesn't feel happy about the giving, he stops it. If he thought any of us were feeling bad because we aren't sure if we truly took advantage of him, his words to us would probably be something like this: "Who cares? This is what a father does. My Dad was never there for me. I made up my mind I wouldn't be like my Dad and I haven't been. I'm happy to be there for you. I'm your Dad."
I often wonder if my mom is doing too many things for me that I could be doing for myself. I try to be respectful. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. My Dad harbours anger for it. Sometimes I'm just too exhausted to argue with my mom. I think it hurts her feelings when I deny her to do all of these things. It is truly important to be grateful for all the blessings.
If you feel you were not able to give enough back to him in return while he was alive, you are doing it now through honouring his memory. Never forget his greatest gift in life was you.
