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Why do I always post in 2's lately? One to vent out what everyone else is doing wrong and then one to talk about me and vent some more...seems like. lol I'm so not on track right now. But I will be again.
Saturday was a pretty hard day. It was the day I went with my daughter to buy her Christmas presents. She is getting them early this year, because she has requested a small above-ground swimming pool and some games for her wii-u to use at her "break up party" this Friday. Santa is dead and buried officially as of this year; it's all practical and business-like. "How much would you usually spend, mum? Well, I want this, and this, and this". So, the A volunteered on Friday night, to take us to the store the next day to buy them. And predictably on Saturday morning, he woke up and shouted at me about something too stupid to even mention, and barricaded himself into his room. "Cause that's how we get out of doing things we don't feel like doing.
So I decided to stay cheerful and daughter and I caught the bus to town. We bought everything on her list and I also picked up a nice salt-lamp for my mum. 6kgs into my back-pack. A little cumbersome but no big deal. At the end of the trip, we picked up the pool. I can't even begin to describe how heavy it was. I mean, I knew it would be, I'm pretty strong, but it gave me a shock. It's a 10 minute walk from the store to the bus-stop and it took me maybe 40 minutes, walking maybe 10 steps at a time with that huge heavy box and then dropping it and massaging my arms and having a sip of water. I was in pain and I knew I had bitten off more than I could chew.
Made it to the bus stop. Lugged the thing onto the bus. Scanned our tickets and one of them beeped...no funds. I looked at the bus driver with I guess a manipulative expression. "I'm too damn tired to put this thing down and search for money, buddy, please?". He waved me on and went on to the next customer. Thank-you, bus driver.
An hour later, arrived at our bus stop. Bus driver wished me a nice evening as my ticket beeped in shame again. I like him. He's actually quite cute. We live in a country town and get the same bus drivers over and over again. This guy even lets me take my dog on the bus when it's quiet, he's so nice. But I like him so he's probably addicted to something. Or an axe-murderer. Anyway.
Lugged pool home from bus stop again in fits and starts. My arms hurt so bad and my fingers, hands and wrists had become numb. I have some weird circulatory problem where my arms can go completely numb if I cut off the blood for even short amounts of time; once my whole arm went completely dead and floppy for 2 whole months and the doctor thought I had MS. So I knew I was hurting myself. The neurologist calls it an "unexplained peripheral neuropathy". Very handy. (haha).
When I got home my arms were retarded and they still are. I couldn't even manage to pull the ring-pull from a can of coke; I just kept scratching uselessly at the top of the can until my daughter took it from me and opened it. A had kindly left the stove on to warm the air and was safely behind his barricade so that was good. He came out a while later, saw the pool-box and said "why didn't you ask me to take you?" Dear-freaking-God.
Anyway, the point to this whinge is, I cried for a good long while after my daughter went to bed. And I was so mad at myself, like "why are you upset? Why aren't you used to this? You have chosen to stay with this guy so why do you still get mad? Why can't you just get on with things?" What I was crying about was the fact that for the first time EVER in my life, I feel as though I would like to be supported and cared for. That might sound ridiculous but for me it has always been all about surviving and trying to manipulate everyone around me. Right now I hurt and I'm sad and I feel like I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I really mourn that, even though I have never had it. I am SO ANGRY with the standards that I have set for myself and the fact that I have constantly pushed on with a smile, hurting myself and doing all of the heavy-work while my various boyfriends sat and watched and thought about themselves. I mean really, this is the guy who lived on my couch rent-free for 2 years and demanded that I walk to the shops and carry home cases of beer after I had finished school for him every day while he played his computer games. And then got angry and abusive when I walked in the door and "interrupted" him. I kid myself that we have come a long way since then. Have we?
I know so much about what is going on his his life. What he wants. What is worrying him. Which body parts hurt and which clothes he likes to wear and when his appointments are and how his mum is and...he knows nothing about me. If I try to tell him, he acts as if I have the plague. Tomorrow, I have to go to the oral surgeon and have 2 badly rotten wisdom teeth cut out. I'm mortally afraid of the dentist and I so wish I wasn't alone and that I could ask him to come with me and drive me home. But the moment I show any need or weakness, he becomes meaner than ever and this time, I'm not going to allow that to make me cancel doing what I need to do. I'm being smart this time. If I don't tell him when I am sad or afraid, he can't put the boot in and make it worse. What an awful, awful relationship. I'm so angry with the standards that I have set for myself.
I know, this is pointless complaining. I've been doing that a bit lately. Program, meetings, I know what to do. I'm just scared beyond reason about having teeth out and sad that the best way to ensure my own comfort is to not tell the guy who is supposed to love me about it. That's so messed up. Please wish me courage, people. I know that once it is done, I will be so much calmer and happier. I might even start to make sense lol. Sorry for babbling. I'm just scared, even though it's stupid and I shouldn't be.
I've had horrible experiences with dentists, too, Melly. I'm proud of you because you are choosing to go. After awhile, this will all be a memory, and your mouth will be 100% improved because you chose to take care of yourself for you. I can't physically be there with you, but I can send you loads of prayers, encouragement and care. If it is too much for you -ask for a break - take a walk - get a drink of water - use the bathroom to hide in - check out the cute guys in the waiting room - and then go back to the chair when you regain your strength. Be sure to treat yourself with something good for you before and after the visit whatever that will look like to you - even if its your favorite ice cream! Lots of care, sister.
This is hard, Melly. I maybe am recognizing some of my own "Do-it-myself"-itis in the story of lugging the pool home. You can order those online and they deliver. You gotta take good care of yourself! Especially when others are not stepping up to the plate. Hugs.
I wish you the best and hope someday you can be happy and do what you want for YOU. I hate it when we are so co-dependent we can't get out of our own way sometimes. We continue to put up with the garbage and hurt so much but don't do anything about it because we are afraid and fear the unknown.
I pray you will have somebody that can help you after your surgery because teeth hurt like a bitch. I'm sure your daughter will be there for you. Please rest and drink plenty of liquids.
Take care my friend...you are in my prayers.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Melly, change takes time. Each post and all you share is NOT whining or silly complaining. I view it as you getting closer and closer to not accepting the unacceptable.
Mattie, I tried the home-delivery option first. I actually ordered the damn thing and then read the confirmation email that said it will be delivered on December 27th (not in time for her party). I'm very into the idea of making things easier on myself if I can. I'm not martyring. So now I have actually purchased 2 pools and you should have heard the conversation when I got to the store and they told me that even though they had a million of them in stock, my on-line order couldn't be recognised as a store pick-up. Even though I had already paid for a pool, if I wanted to take one home I had to pay again to purchase another one...and it cost MORE because I had missed the Saturday morning special I was trying to take advantage of. I have to wait now and when my on-line order is delivered I can go to the store to pick it up and then return it to get a refund. Can you imagine the expletives I muttered when I was told this? I wasn't trying to prove a point although I see where you are coming from and I have been like that in the past. It has reached a point with ABF where if I don't find a way to do it, it just wont ever get done.
Melly--boy can I relate to the whole "I'm going to do this thing no matter how much it hurts!" Someone gave me this tool for my toolbox: "you're walking down the road and there's a great big hole in the middle of the road and you fall in. The next time you walk down the road you say there's a hole and you walk into it again. The next time you walk down the street you say, Oh there's a hole, then you choose to fall in because its what you've always done. Then the next time you take a different road." This story is me right down to the toes. I fell in that hole so many times I didn't even know there were other routes to take. This metaphor has saved me many times. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I actually check for road hazards before I set out...but only by the grace of God, working the steps, and interacting with other alanons as much as possible. Its simply the only thing I know of that works. I'm praying for you and hope you find your own map that works for you too.
Christmas music gets me thinking the kind of thoughts that miss him - the good parts about him, the love, oh the love I had for him, still have and I still miss that HIM. But your posts dear, make me remember the reasons why it is better to be alone, struggling through each minor catastrophe, wondering when/if I'm ever going to be debt free again because when you have no one to do it for you, you pay to have it done - or, do it yourself and suffer the consequences (sore arms - try bruises up both arms from putting in a radiator!).
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Not pointless babble at all Melly - I hope that one day when you are feeling calm and good you come back and read what you have written here. I kept a log for a while and when I went back and saw what I wrote I had a much clearer idea of what my needs were and how I could go about getting them met. I think that if the opportunity ever came up to be able to date again I would be a bit more discerning.
There is nothing wrong with having accomplished what you set out to achieve - you did good and you'll know it when your daughter is using the pool. What is wrong is that you did not feel that you could ask for the help that would have made it a pleasurable experience instead of an ordeal (hope you don't mind my expressing an opinion!).
My exasperation of the day came this morning when I looked at the sun on the windows and couldn't really see out - 'dang! Another job I need to get round to' thought I. Then as I moved and the bits of dust caught the sunshine lighting up the window with rainbow colours. So pretty. 'Oh', thought I, 'that job can wait a bit longer!' Just babbling
I hope all goes well at the dentist. When they pulled my wisdom teeth it was much better than I expected so I'm wishing you a smooth journey today. Sending ((((hugs))))
Well, it's done
I feel really terrible, face just aches ugh. I cried in the dentist chair which was just embarrassing (I don't know why, I'm not usually publicly emotional) mostly because some woman in the waiting room with her husband was going on and on about how sweet he was because he had taken the day off to look after her, thanks for the knife in the heart lady- lol.
I'm pretty happy with myself; I asked my friend if she would drop me at the dentist on her way to work and she was a darling to me, and afterwards I was feeling gross and dizzy so I splurged in a taxi home. I didn't tell the A anything about it until he got up for work and said "What the F is wrong with your face?" Nice. I'm glad I didn't; it's part of accepting that the fantasy I have in my head of him becoming a loving or decent partner is just that- fantasy.
So today I'm supposed to rest and I'm going to take a leaf out of his book and play a computer game ALL DAY and maybe watch some TV. Will send daughter for fish n chips for dinner. HA how decadent is that?
Thanks for the support
(((Everyone)))
Oh plus friend (haven't known this lady for bery long, dunno why she's so awesome to me) offered to take me for driving practice over the holidays. Woohoo!!
OK my jaw hurts a lot. Not that it's the end of the world but wow it's worse than I expected, I'm feeling pretty miserable and just wanting to stay quiet until it heals. So child has decided that now is the time to be an absolute rude little cow and act up (thanks kid) and is throwing nasty tantrums about ridiculous things and being ruder than she's ever been. Example. "Mum can you do this extremely complicated hairstyle please, here are some pictures". Me- "No, you have to leave for school in 5 minutes and that would take a couple of hours and 2 cans of hairspray". "Her- "Fine just go away then, you're useless" snarls and leaves. What? Or when I was foraging in the cupboard looking for a container to put fruit in for her lunch she rudely shoves me and says "MOVE". She's not ever been this rude, ever. But since yesterday, non-stop nasty. Why now? When I really don't have the energy to take charge? Thanks a freaking lot, child. Meanwhile I'm supposed to mow the lawn, erect her swimming pool, clean the house and shop and cook for this party she is having on Friday. One more nasty outburst and I will just cancel the freaking thing. Mummy is officially MAD now. Time for consequences.
Meanwhile, I've said basically nothing to the A but last night I copped a drunken serve..."I know you're teeth are a bit sore but why can't you think of me for a change. Do you know how stressed I am not having any of my own money and having to ask you for beer and cigarettes and food? And then I suppose I'll have to feel indebted to you". Grabs my smokes and a 6 pack out of the case he decided I was buying (Because "you like those and look how cheap they are honey" and then put them in the trolley for me, isn't he thoughtful). "I'm going to my room. I don't need your crap". Lol. I like it when he's so blatantly out and out selfish and absurd because I don't have to waste time being confused or wondering if I am to blame for any of it. Nope, I don't own any of that. He's just being a thief and being extremely rude about it too. What are the consequences of that? I like him even less than I did yesterday, which wasn't very much.
OK that's what sucks today. Oh plus the cat who peed on my doona and now it utterly stinks. Thanks definately sucks..
Here's what doesn't.
My friend who took nice care of me yesterday and texted to make sure I was alright last night.
My Grandma who called this morning just to see how I am.
My mum who keeps messaging me every 5 minutes with more and more absurd ideas for how I can get some stronger painkillers as she is outraged that the dentist didn't give me any. She's driving me mental but it's nice that she cares so much. lol.
And....you can sit up and take nourishment, too. That's good. I guess now would not be the time for me to suggest you jump on the trampoline? If I could, I'd come over there and suggest everyone take a deep breath while you take good care of yourself. Then, they'll focus all their attention on me and you'll get to take a nap. Sound good? You already know I'm surprised the dentist didn't automatically prescribe pain killers and antibiotics for you, but perhaps its just the differences in health care in different countries?
Mummy is officially MAD now. Time for consequences.