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Answered the phone. I knew it was her. When the phone rings and it is her, my whole body sort of slumps and I have to take a few moments to consider...do I really want to do this? Do I have enough to give today?
Don't get me wrong. I care about A's mum. She has a loving heart and, unlike any other "mother in law" I've had before, she knows things about me. She asks questions about my child, my family, my course, etc. She just doesn't wait for me to answer. She is a talking machine. In person, she will talk until you are ready to cry because it' becomes unbearable, I mean literally for hours and hours and hours without taking a breath and here's the kicker....she doesn't pause!! She doesn't even allow space for you to say so much as "mmm" or "uhuh". She will follow you to the toilet and keep talking through the door and if you claim to be unwell and get into bed to escape her, she will sit on the edge of the bed and keep talking. For hours. And more hours. I am not allowed to speak during this time. If I try, she becomes agitated and talks over me as loudly as possible. This isn't time for me to talk. This is time for me to receive her anguish!
And what does she want to talk about? Firstly, her woes. And secondly, the A's woes. She likes to tell me over and over how hard his life has been and how mean everyone has been to him and what a poor poor little boy he is. Today it was about how sad it is that he isn't going to visit her for Christmas because he doesn't have a car. And how she hopes that one day she will win tattslotto and she will be able to buy him a car. (Lady, he's been driving my car for 18 months now and he's completely trashed it. It's running on 2 of 6 cylinders and it's going to blow up like his did any day now. How about you wish upon a new car for me?) It's also very very sad that he doesn't have any money and that his boss has been so mean to him. (huh?) And it isn't A's fault because his dad was so mean and his ex-girlfriends were so mean and everyone is always just so MEAN to him. And I have to remember Christmas is an especially hard time for him because he isn't with his children. Uhuh. And she hopes I haven't been letting him drink too much. She likes to tell me that his alcoholic seizures could kill him one day, like she is trying to guilt me into making him stop. Like there's anything I can do. Often after a few hours of this she starts to cry and tells me over and over that I don't understand, she loves him so much and if I could just find it in myself to help him...
Visions of what I could have become, I guess. I feel sorry for her. Married to multiple abusive addicts, mother of an abusive addict and so obsessed with fixing everyone that I don't mean to be cruel, but she has driven herself mental. I could be that crazy and deluded one day, I really could. I feel so very sad for her because underneath it all is an interesting and loving person who has buried herself in codependance so deeply that I doubt she will ever see the light of day again. She is a walking lesson to me. I'd reach out to her but she doesn't allow me the opportunity to do anything but be bombarded with her anguish. If I try to be forceful and interrupt her diatribe, suddenly she "has to go".
And then she announced that since her son can't come to her (well he could, he could take the train like I am doing to see my family for Christmas), she is going to come and stay with us! Fantastic.
I went to my new default strategy. I took child and dog to the park and ran around with them until I was too exhausted to be stressed or upset. There's no point stewing over what is to come.
Clearly HP feels that I need opportunities to practice right now! Thanks HP!!!
Do I sound mean? I've tried very hard and persevered so very hard for years to be the worlds greatest girlfriend and the world's greatest daughter in law. I just don't have anything left to give to it. To either of them. They are both so deeply mired in his addictions and problems and me trying to help is like my daughter yesterday, trying to help me carry something really heavy by offering me a drink when my hands were full or standing in front of me to ask me if she could help. She was so full of good intentions but really, all I needed her to do was get out of the way and let me finish the job! There is just nothing I can do for either of them, no matter how hard they try to involve me or hinge their plans upon my compliance. When they get together, they just exhaust me. "Mum, everyone is so mean". "Oh my poor son! I know!" and then accusing looks at me and suggestions when he is out of the room; "why don't you try to get him interested in doing things as a family? Why don't you make him vitamin smoothies? I know you don't like to cook but he needs to eat vegetables"ugh ohhh I think I need to not be here that week. I don't think I could deal with it again. No wait. I don't think I WANT to deal with it.
Is it possible for you and your child to take a nice holiday somewhere else and let them feed off each other to their heart's content? That is what I would do because you must be so tired of listening to all this.
Well the funny thing is, this is the first year that I decided, I am not going to his mothers at Christmas. She lives a very long way away (4 hours drive or so) and it is always a 2 night stay and it involves the A getting drunk and his family trying to tell me what I should be doing to fix him and expecting me to follow him out into the night when he gets crazy-drunk and decides to go out driving, or clubbing. So this year I said, sorry babe, I'm not doing it. I love you all but I find the whole experience exhausting so I'm spending Christmas with my family and then I'll be home on Christmas night with leftovers for you, Daughter and I are super-excited about the Doctor Who Christmas special on TV that night and then on Boxing Day we are going to see the Hobbit at the cinema; you're welcome to join us if you would like. Or you can go to your mums if you like but you can't drive my car there because it's ready to blow up and won't make the trip. Fair enough, right? I mean it was the PERFECT CHRISTMAS I had planned lol. I was just going to look after me, my daughter and my mum, who get's a bit stressed at Christmas. I don't want to have to go away anywhere! We had such a great time planned!
lol, I know, things change. I was just so pleased with my decision to remove myself and child from the craziness this year....and now the crazy has decided to come to us!!
I also know that I'm too focused on other people just now. I'm right out of whack. Tis the season I guess. It was delusional to think that I could navigate it calmly and plan it all out perfectly.
My mum asked me earlier tonight- "why is Christmas so nice for everyone else but so stressful and awful for mothers?"
As she is Catholic I said "well, I guess Mary probably didn't have a very relaxing day, dealing with a newborn and all" and she laughed lots. lol. Freaking Christmas.
Do you sound mean? On the contrary, you sound as if you have borne with this woman far longer than almost anyone would have. Whether it's wise to bear with her any more is another question. I second the idea of going somewhere else for Christmas.
I third it, Melly. It will give her the space she wants to mother him to her little heart's content. It'll give him the space to let her. It'll give you and your daughter the space to have fun somewhere else - and somewhere where'll you'll probably get nurtured yourself? To borrow Iyanla VanZant's favorite quote (of mine): "When you see crazy comin', cross the street."
lol, it's a lovely idea but I don't have the money to go anywhere and also, I need to be here to look after dog and cat! Otherwise the crazy cat lady will accuse me of criminal pet-neglect and abduct my fur-children!! ABF won't feed them or walk dog or make sure they have water. Hmm, I'm letting everyone push me around. HP, I'm being surrounded by obstacles. If I let go and leave it to you, will you please clear a path for me? Or at least show me where the path is? Cheers
My mum sounds similar to your mother in law she is a growth up child of an A.
today when I am around sick people I may suggest recovery( 12 step) if they do not want it fine but at least I have past on the message.
As I said my mum is still very co dependent so I shall see her christmas but it will be miminal as I value my serenity today!!! I try to have compassion sometimes it easier than others times.
just cause some people do not drink does not mean they are well, living with different addictions sent me to insanity steps 2 is bringing me back.
I am responsible for only me but I also have to remember were I have been and sick people remind me how important it is to get to my meetings anhd stay conected to hp.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, with kindness.
hugs tracy xxxxx
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 15th of December 2013 03:10:34 PM
Ive got a friend like this, she talks constantly and when she is not talking she directs the conversation to the topic of her choice. Its infuriating, other people dont get one word in. Its all about her. I have been battling resentment of this for months now, I see her everyday at work and the thing that worked for me was writing her a letter never to be sent, letting out my frustration and like a miracle I can feel compassion for her all over again. I reckon her incessant talking is an insecurity thing, she is terrified to let go of control in social situation, she cant cope with natural flowing conversation, Im not sure what she is scared of but fear is her driver. She has such a negative impact in our department as she wont allow any of us to get to know each other, people cant be around her for long and this upsets her and she cant understand it, she blames everyone else for this. So I can feel compassion for her and I can let my resentment go when I think of this. Hope this helps.x
Constant talking often points to fear of intimacy/fear of being known. It is used as a method of keeping people away rather than bringing them closer. Often happens in people who were abused or severely abused as children. They learned to hide the secrets of abuse at home by masking it with continual talking. The greater the fear - the greater the amount of talking. The safer an over-talker feels, the less they will talk. Oftentimes, they are contemplatives, intuitive, shrewd and deeply spiritual. Gentle kindness and consistent warmth, predictability and dependability can often help an over-talker come out of their shell and risk revealing their true nature. The worst type of personalities for an over-talker to spend time with are people who are highly critical, very judgmental, punishing, unpredictable, not trustworthy, loud, boisterous, demanding or very aggressive as these behaviors can send an over-talker back into their smoke-screen extroversion that masks their return to the shell they are hiding in. Al-Anon helps them grow because the meetings are the same structure everywhere, the steps are predictable, there is some control as to whom they talk with and whom they stay away from, and they are seldom mistreated, judged, heavily criticized, shunned or laughed at for their behaviors.
Some people will suck the life out of us if we let them. I learned this several years ago, then I had to practice lovingly detaching completely from some, and setting time limits with others. I made sure I was the one enforcing what worked for me, not the other person. When I began valuing my time, it became easier for me to discern who I would or would not spend time with. It is more difficult with family, but it is doable. And I am not mean.
I think your MIL should take Baby Boy home with her, and then she could make him all the vitamin smoothies and vegetables he could stomach.
Sigh...if wishes were horses...
LOL G2B, I need a nap too! If you wake up before I do, wake me up please, I have a wonderful, fun, laundry filled evening ahead, and wouldn't want to miss it!
I remember summer day camp - there was a song the campers sang when the loudspeakers would blare the day's announcements
announcements, announcements a - nou - ounce - ments
a terrible death to die
a terrible death to die
a terrible death
to be talked to death
a terrible death to die
And I sing this in my brain whenever my ex-mom-in-law follows ME to the toilet and chatters on through the door - chattering about other peoples medical ailments, people I don't even know!
And I know this one woman who astounds me how she can go from topic to topic, never taking that normal break, the pause that lets you interject a "hey, I gotta go" you actually have to just hang up on the woman because she doesn't give you the opportunity end the conversation politely.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
HA HA HA Raven. Once, years ago, his abuse got out of control and I called his brother (that's kinder than calling the cops, right?) and he came to my flat, packed up his brother, put him in the car and took him to their mother's house. She started calling me the next day, trying to "smooth things over" between us and after 5 days, she drove him to the station and bought him a train ticket and sent him home to me. lol. All of this gets sadder and sadder the more I write it down.
LOL Melly, for some reason, I keep seeing this grown (at least physically) man sitting in a high chair with a bib on...and his mother cooing baby talk......
That's not so far from the truth Raven...lol. No seriously. he is THAT childish and broken. Did you ever see the movie "stepbrothers"? All I could think when I watched it was "this is supposed to be a joke but this is reality for me". This 38 year old man has been carrying on like a baby, screaming if anyone interrupts his naps or his computer games or says he can't have any ice-cream for years, and I've been playing along. How did I get this sick? What the hell made me decide "this guy is the one"? Really questioning my choices here.
