The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was sitting here feeling frustrated, as usual. AH and I had a nasty conversation the other day about this whole house buying thing. Finally I told him that I'd be the one to move out and I will rent because there was not way in he** I was going to sign any papers to take on a second mortgage with him. He made a huge stink and then played victim and talked about how he'll have to get new business cards with a new address, and how he'd have to buy new furniture....UGH, poor baby right?
So, once I firmly stated that I would have to be the one to move out: he's back to Mr Nicey Pants routines. Greeting me with a smile, kissing me in the AM, reading his Bible, he's coming to church with us and decided to not play tennis this morning, etc. I guess he thinks this is enough to keep the status quo?
You know, years ago, I would have been OK with this and I would have fell into it. I mean, look at how nice he's being, look at how he's reading his Bible now with true commitment, and he's finally coming to church. YAY! But, the truth is: we still sleep in separate rooms, I still don't trust him, he's not working a recovery program whether it be Biblical or AA or secular or whatever, he's not in fellowship with others who can help him find his blind spots or point out where he's taking a wrong path, and he's not really changing his attitude(as far as I can tell). It's just the same old same old. He doesn't want to lose his comfortable life, his money, etc but he says he wants to save our family. No, what he wants to save is his comfort zone. I'm sorry, I wish I could say that I see the good here. I wish I could be positive. I wish I could believe that his changes will be lasting. I wish I felt differently and wasn't so jaded and cautious. I wish a lot of things, you know.
One thing I do know, though, is that I know things can't stay like this. I know I can't live like this anymore. I know that we set a terrible example for our son on what it looks like to have a marriage. I know that I can still move on and he can still 'get better', whatever that looks like to him and that I don't have to sit around watching and waiting for it to happen.
Now, I just have to garner up the strength to find a rental home, get the finances in order and figure out what I can cut to make this easier on all of us, and then go do it.
I too think I'm posting a lot but that's what this board is for isn't it. Now that you made your feeling know about the purchase you can be at peace with that. He knows your feelings once in for all.
It's a very scary time to know you have to do something about your feelings and moving out might be one of them can be a very difficult decision. I know I struggle with it a lot. My mind go's around and around with he's good this week.....last week he pissed me off so much I wanted to leave right then and there. I made plans on paper I don't know how many times....just to think....it's OK I can deal with it. I'm lazy not wanting to do the work either. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to leave my home. I I I.
I can only say when I myself me get tired of being upset and tired will I truly do something about it. Until then I have to remember I can't change him.....never so live with it.
Take care my friend...you are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I dont know the whole situation but from what you have described it doesnt sound like you are being jaded, it sounds like you have grown. Not allowing the behavior to continue and recognizing a possible downward spiral before it happens is amazing....you said a few years ago you would have fallen for this. Now you know better and are taking care of yourself...what a special gift! Don't be too hard on yourself
ILD: Before I made the rental home move, I think I'd check with the attorney on that if you haven't already done that, ILD? This feels like manipulation to me - on his part. You make all the changes - he makes none - and holds all the cards. Maybe I'm seeing too much or missing something here, but he sounds very clever to me. He may be drinking, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to wheel and deal to his advantage.
Thanks, Grateful. I called the attorney and she said there are no issues if I leave the family home. If we do divorce, AH will be forced by the courts to buy me out of my half of the equity. Yes, I see him manipulating the situation. I asked him to find a rental. He chose to try to search for a house to purchase. He asked me to sign a spousal waiver or for me to put myself on the deed, and I told him I will do neither without legal counsel. He refused to provide me with a written proposal of where the money for the down payment was going to come from and how this would impact our savings. He 'forgot' that a new home would need new appliances, a lawnmower, etc. All extra costs that he just pulled a Homer Simpson on.
He started whining about how hard this move will be on him, how he thought searching 25 minutes north of here would be OK, and it took all my strength to not even respond to that and point out the insanity of him being 20 miles north. The driving time, the wasted gas, and wear and tear on our vehicles going back and forth when there are perfectly wonderful neighborhoods within 5 miles of here, UGH! I do so much driving with our son between his tennis schedule, school stuff, acupuncturist, tutoring, etc, the last thing I wanted to be doing was carting our son back and forth like that.
I'm not sure what's really going on. I just know that I feel the need to be on guard yet I have no idea how me moving out will impact the situation. Will he take it laying down or will he take all our money (that he has access to) and cut me off? I've been slowly preparing for this for a while. I have control of a few accounts where I am the primary account holder and I am the one who does all the finances in our home. Thank goodness for my background as a stock broker because it's really come in handy. I set up a few credit accounts in my name only and had started developing the credit usage so that I could build my own credit score, which is now close to an 800.
I've already figured out how I can save about $700 a month going forward without really impacting our son's life. Paying off his $130 a month braces, letting go of the home phone line, getting rid of cable, stopping my own therapist for a short period of time since she went out of network now, letting go of the monthly pool service, etc. It's amazing how the little things add up but also how they can help you save when you write it all out.
Anyway, I'm holding strong. I just find myself getting angry when I see him putting forth efforts that would be great, IF we had a normal marriage. But, we don't.
Good. I'm glad the attorney doesn't see a problem for you and your son if you move into a rental and leave the family home. I'm glad you're holding strong, too. (((ILD)))
UGH, he just came into my office wanting to know if I am going to find a place to rent because the realtor needs his counter offer on the house. Then he says, "You know I don't think you'll have any luck finding a place who will rent month to month. So, are you still NOT going to sign for this house with me?" How many times do I have to make myself clear to him?
I put my foot down though, and made it clear that I will not be signing anything and yes, that I am looking for places to rent. Boy, he really does love to go round and round and round, even when I've told him how I feel over and over and over.
ILD, why do you have to move out? It sounds to me like he is conning you and working on you. A's are great at manipulation. Im sorry, maybe I am sounding out of turn and I hope I dont offend you. It just looks, from the outside, that you are doing all the work to make life easier, to make a break up easier for him really. None of this is easier for you and why would you make things easier for him? Are you trying to control a breakup? make it all smooth and controlled, Im sorry but the only way for it to be smooth and controlled seems to be that you are the one sacrificing. Now hes all happy, he knows he has got things the way he wants them.
Reading the bible and all the rest means nothing, it means that he knows you well. Are you sure this is what you want? You are waiting on changes that can signal the end of this upheaval and so is he. I send you my best wishes.x
Some of the lessons I have learned don't know if this matters or not. Get all of the financial documentation now of any accounts you can. This includes and is not limited to 401k, his pay stubs and so on. My stbax had no idea and still doesn't what i have and he doesn't know. My belief is information is power. If it's a joint account at least at my bank either party can close it down. Quietly taking 1/2 and putting it into a separate account is not a bad idea. Unfortunately is seen it play out that once they get it's really happening the anger seriously kicks in. The stbsx owes me thousands that I will probably never see .. I'm sure there will be a judgement however .. getting it out of him a whole other story. Be prepared to parent on your own .. I never thought in a million years that my stbax would have zero contact with the kids. I expected it to be limited just never dawned on me it would be nothing. I'm probably more jaded because of the divorce and how long is been going on. I'm finding in dealing with an active A it's pretty much the norm when money and children are involved. Never ever give anything to an arty you don't keep the original of .. doing get me started on that! Lol!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
To publicly answer El Cee's question: if I don't move out, it's clear he's not going to go. I can't force him out, he owns this home. I asked him to go, he made a huge showing of purchasing a house, being difficult, lying about actually looking for rentals, etc. If I stay, then he stays, then he gets what he wants. No loss of resources for him, his comfort zone stays the same, the dog will stay here with him too, and so will our son. BONUS.
At this rate, my best option for separation is for me to go, whether that be by his conning and manipulation or not. Yes, he gets what he wants but so will I.
Leaving with awareness of what you are doing and why you are doing it to me, ILD, is not being conned or manipulated into it. It is you taking a stand for yourself and moving on with your life. Lots of encouragement and support for you and whatever you choose to do, ILD. I am glad you checked this move out with your attorney, too. That was the one thing that concerned me for you - being manipulated into letting go of all shared assets in some way if there was a way to avoid it - if you moved into a rental.
I just reread my post here and I have come across as harsh, I didnt realise to be honest.
I can so relate to your situation because that is exactly what I did. I up and left and moved into a rental. I let go of everything I had put into that house but to be honest it was actually a good move for me and I've never really looked back. I am now living with furniture of all my own choosing, nothing extravagant but all mine, sometimes when I look back at what I left behind it can hurt a bit but I am much happier and I have so much more than he has even with all the home comforts. Its a scary journey but also exciting and your program will help you let go. Sending you my love.x
