The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(1) Begin byconsidering what you have, as not the absolute worst thing to have. At least there issomething to complain about when we have family.
Think of children who survived the Holocaust who have no memories of their parents, or very few left, and grandchildren who never met their grandparents. Nothing to complain about there. And millions, face it, lose family in one way or another. No reunion. No stress. Would you trade? Perhaps, and nobody would blame you, certainly not me.
(2) Assuming this is a non-negotiable, you are going to see family in the next few weeks and you do hold significant grudges, see if it is at all possible to forgive and forget. You may need toair those grudges out loud before you go, in group, or in therapy, or even make a list. It is good to let go of the baggage, or at least try, and talking is one way of letting go.
(3) Think of that list of grievances based upon real life events, as bad dreams, and file the memories. File the angry memories full of hurtsinto mental envelopesthat represent a stuck part of childhood, when the ego was too immature to handle the stress. You're older now. Filing those memories away does not mean you will forget them. You are filing them for safe keeping for when you are ready to deal with them.
(4) If your sibling or a parent has spurned you, reconnect with others, or maybe an old friend in the neighborhood. It would be a shame to let the past wreck a chance to see people you like.Latch onto your alliesand make believe it never happened (see above about bad dreams), whatever it is you're angry about, if only for a day or so. Give yourself a break.
(5) Think. It isn't good to judge people. Human error is a part of life. We don't know the whole story, can't understand, not what happened then, maybe not even now. The motivations of others are a mystery unless we ask, and even then sometimes. The family reunion is the best opportunity to ask about those motives, to get new information, to understand people who share our DNA.
It is a small handful, that group we consider family, and they tend to be the subject of therapy or Al-Anon. So get more information. We'll use it. Think of it as aninformational interview.
(6) The informational interview may not be possible, obviously. Being in the same room does not mean that everyone is going to just open up and talk to one another. Best to script a few conversations ahead of time. The time together will surely be more fun, if we make the effort toignore the past and pretendeverything is okay. Make small talk. Prepare a list of things to talk about ahead of time.
"Have you tried the sushi? It is amazing." "How about those Bears!"
(7) If it is possible, if time together with family does miraculously become something of an extended family encounter group, thenlisten more, talk less. It is likely there is a vast amount of knowledge that you do not know about the person you wish wasn't coming to Grandma's this year. For all you know, this person has been through chemo three times. Still feel the rage? If yes, get therapy.
(8) To engage someone in a conversation of the past, difficult moments in childhood, it is best to keep it general.Rather than say,
"What were you thinking when you threw me down the stairs and when you hung me out the window?"
Best to ask,
"How was it for you in that house thirty years (whatever the number) ago?
(9) To avoid any conversation about the past, if that suits you better,stay busy, help out, and bring a cellphone or a tablet. It is likely that all of the above will be mute because everyone will be glued to an electronic gizmo anyway. We live in a wonderful age.
(10)Cater to those who have personality disorders. Resistance is futile. If someone is narcissistic, you won't be fixing this. Let this person have control, flatter to the degree that is necessary, and you might be able to hear some fabulous stories, a spin on what happened that year Mom forgot you at Christmas.
That can be difficult when the negativity, the jealousy, the anger, is palpable. Refer to all above and bring out a deck of cards, or play checkers with someone. Or if necessary, Solitaire.
Please do tell how you have survived holiday gatherings. Perhaps together we can all come up with a better plan.
-- Edited by Tricia911 on Friday 13th of December 2013 06:26:24 PM
Thank you Tricia! This is a great share! I would read this and the other share, about "No" being a complete sentence ;) And our electronic devices can be very helpful in a pinch...
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Saturday 14th of December 2013 03:28:06 AM
I feel sad for folks who can only survive the holidays. I have always enjoyed them. I get too tired with them sometimes, but for the most part I just look for the things I like about the holidays and ignore the rest of it. I learned to read to screen out stuff that wasn't my business and was very unpleasant as a kid. I wasn't in denial of it. I just chose to do something I enjoyed doing and let the rest of the world do its own thing. I not only survived doing that. I thrived. I refused to let anything get in the way of enjoying everything there was to enjoy about holidays. I still do that today. Not reading so much, but doing things I really want to do and limiting my exposure to other people's desire to be miserable rather than joyful during the holidays. I don't even try to cheer people up during the holidays. They can own their own choices and resulting consequences. That, too, is none of my business.
? I think I shared my game plan for the holidays - what works and doesn't work for me. Maybe I misunderstood the question? If so, sorry, Tricia. I might have missed your meaning?
