Came on here and looked up old post because I am so thankful,  I no longer have that turning in my gut.. the constant pain that comes with allowing an Alcoholic room in my mind or heart... that feeling I was addicted to like an emotional cutter....

About two years ago..

I literally felt like it was death or improvement ( and death seemed easier, this really scared me)  so I forced myself out of bed and tried all I knew to do: replace bad memories with new good ones...and trusting my higher power to show me how.

Each time ANYTHING about him crossed my mind I pictured a huge broom sweeping the slightest thought of him from my mind, I gritted me teeth and tried to stick to this no thinking of him plan, no matter what.

I listened to only Christian or classical or big band type music and avoided any "romantic" stuff as much as possible for a long while...sometimes I couldn't listen to music at all!

I worked out, read and forcefully filled my mind with facts or new information ( because it was like force feeding someone who didn't want to eat this was often hard) I cried during yoga, no one really minded, I cried during bible study at church, the roof didn't fall in, but when my body cried I still didn't allow my mind to obsess about anything.. for a while I forced myself to move on,,, no matter what my emotions were doing..  I cried at a few Alanon meetings .  I did not put All my recovery hopes in Alanon alone, I new I needed to find some other "helps" too!!

I forced myself to take small steps to rebuild bad family relationships, I stopped by to say hello to family members and smiled and tried to look normal, even if I could only do this for a minute, even if they didn't seem to buy into my "change" I just kept putting one foot before the other, working on normal as much as I could ( I stopped calling him "my" anything, not my ex, not my A not MY anything) ... I eventually stopped talking about him at all to anyone ... I forced myself to MOVE ON, sometimes I "faked it till I made it" .

I was blessed to have the help of a group of ladies from my Church!! It helped to just have coffee, to listen to others stories, good and bad, to laugh and to get to know other people who were accepting.. this group of ladies was a gift from God. alanon meetings were great and now I also had these new friends... just when I needed them most. I think our higher power provides these things but if I had not taken that first step to get out of bed and go to church with these ladies I would not have ever gotten to know them, HP provides help but we have to accept it when it arrives!

Some friends from alanon helped at times some respected my need for space too. ( the ones who were still working to stay in their troubled relationships didn't fit with what I knew I had to do for me in order to survive) at one point I couldn't even come here and post or read litature... I just needed to not think one single thing about alcoholism for a bit, I needed a detox for a bit.

Forcing myself to improve my self and my family relationships no matter how it felt uncomfortable or how minimal the improvements seemed at the time was very helpful.

Replacing bad old memories with new happy ones seemed to be the best medicine for me.

I can honestly say I am not the same person I was and I can't believe how different it is to live life not obsessed with any other person.. I'm not "fixed" or perfect but I do feel much more like I'm walking in sunshine, most of the time!

Love and happy holidays... to all!

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