relationship with a recovering alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

Jessp98559 · Newbie

relationship with a recovering alcoholic

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jessp

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. In alanon we who live with the disease or have lived with the disease, meet in fellowship to learn how to break the isolation caused by living in the disease. We also develop new constructive tools to use in living our lives. We focus on ourselves, our needs, wants and how to achieve our goals. We learn how to detach from the alcoholic with love and to trust a higher power in all our affairs.

I urge you to check out alanon face to face meetings in your community, pick up the literature and listen to learn . You could also attend a few Open AA meetings where you can hear" first hand" about the disease and recovery.

Good Luck

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 12th of December 2013 02:55:55 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me it would matter how long the A had been in recovery, how hard he had been working that recovery (lots of relapses? or none?), and how together and emotionally healthy he was generally. Someone with ten to twenty years under his belt, who still attends meetings and works the program actively, and who does not still have major challenges in his emotional life -- problems with anger, intimacy, depression, etc. -- I might be open to considering it very carefully, if I were sure I could go very slowly and keep my wits about me. But I'm not sure I could. I don't have a history of leaving men when things got difficult. I stick with them till the bitter end. You'll be able to judge your own history in that regard.

But after seeing a friend with more than 15 years solid recovery and program relapse, and stay relapsed, to the destruction of his relationships and career -- I would be very wary. My friend had some bad depression issues, so maybe it was predictable. But not predictable enough that his friends saw it coming. So just to say that years of recovery are not a guarantee.

The thing about alcoholics is that the danger of relapse is never zero. And the trouble with some of us is that we have such a hard time detaching and high-tailing it away, that we'll stay with a drinking alcoholic while the ship goes down, taking us with it. That's why it's especially dangerous for me to get involved with a recovery alcoholic. For some folks, if they were with him and he went back into the chaos, they'd separate and grieve and it would be bad, but their lives wouldn't be sucked into the insanity. But I know myself too well -- there's a big danger mine would. So I have to stay clear of alcoholics the way they stay clear of bars.

Tasha · Senior Member

Anyone can get any disease at any time. Or hit by a car - or struck by lighting. Would you be asking this same thing if he had cancer - to a support group for cancer survivors? Would I tell someone to not be with my father because he has a disease? Do I really think I should be controlling that? For me - I like to put it in context - 'what would I tell my daughter to do?' Well - it's pretty simple. We would talk about the risks and then I would let her make her own choices with all the knowledge she has. If she's in love with someone - that person having a disease isn't going to stop her from being with that person no matter what I say - so I may as well just be there to love her and support her no matter what happens. She could get a disease too tomorrow. Get some support for you, it can't hurt. You could get a disease tomorrow too. The more people in your corner to support you the better in any case. My alanon family is like my family of choice - they know about all aspects of my life now, and support me by standing next to me in all my endeavors.

-- Edited by Tasha on Thursday 12th of December 2013 04:54:39 PM

-- Edited by Tasha on Thursday 12th of December 2013 04:55:26 PM

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had an ongoing 'intense friendship' with a recovering alcoholic. In his case, he is very serious about recovery, working his program with diligence but is only 11 months sober--only reason I say that is many of his 'isms' are present and in spite of my attraction to him, there are times that the relationship is a lot of work. I echo another poster when I say though, that that has to do with me and the fact that I will stick around the harder it gets!

I also would echo that thought of treading lightly, keep coming here, get to alanon meetings, read the literature, work your own program.

Welcome!

YF

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only talk about myself. I can't project any of what my situation is to any other relationship. But remember.... it is called alcoholism, not alcoholwasm. Meaning, they always have it. I also personally call it a mental illness. I don't care if he is drinking whiskey or taking pills. What I care about is how he treats me. And I find that the booze has changed the character of the man.... or it brought out the character that was there that he so hard tried to hide from me.

I have been married to him since 1971. He did not drink at all. We were in college and couldn't afford it. I should have looked closer at his dad. He was an alcoholic. I came from a tee-totaling family. I didn't even know what an alcoholic was except for the bums that lived under the bridge and stumbled a lot. He (the hubby) has been in AA since 2000, so 13 years. He also got cancer of his throat in 2007. I can tell you dealing with a cancer patient is a whole lot different than dealing with an alcoholic. It is the mental health issues. (A cancer patient doesn't call you "bi**h every day.)

I don't want to take my spouse's inventory so I can only tell you what I can see. I can see that I am not treated too much differently from the end of the 1990's (before AA) and today. I can see that I want to detach and live my own life no matter what his moods are. I usually don't even notice his moods anymore unless he unleashes them at me. I know that I am responsible for taking things personally when he unleashes his moods at me.... or not taking things personally. I am responsible for MY relationships with other people, including our children and grandchildren. I used to think it was "our" relationship with all these people. Now he has his relationship and I have my own.

And every alcoholic is different. I have known others who have owned up to who they are and have been and moved forward. I have known other spouses who have manipulated their recovering alcoholics with guilt or other emotions to have their own way. I have known many that have succeeded and others that have failed. There is no "normal". You are dealing with a mental illness that can be helped or may continue.

Grumble · Member

Hi Jess,

Does he come from alcoholic/addictive parents? If so you need to read the ACOA laundry list and Tian Dayton's ACOA PTSD book.

www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/what-is-an-acoa_b_822493.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/adult-children-of-alcohol_b_300572.html

My (ex) boyfriend has been sober 11 years, he still goes to meetings and has that part well under control. We had a really great relationship - best I've ever had, he is genuinely a beautiful person. He told me his story, his secrets and we were close. I am 43 and this is the only guy I would have married. I told him I loved him, we had an argument a month later and he literally shut-down. He is physically afraid to be near me, and said he hasn't felt like this since he was drinking. He was in an abuse relationship three years ago where he allowed himself to be controled and engulfed. When he left that relationship he was a broken man and he is afraid. However, he has transferred her stuff on to me, plus his family traumas and I am not any of those people - he's put words into my mouth that have never crossed my mind. Why? Because I care. It scares him - while he works his program he hasn't addressed the core issues that drove him to numb in the first place.

He is seeing a counsellor - he knows he is broken. I am seeing two, going to Al-anon meetings and I have a sponsor and a good support network. He wants to fix him and regroup later.

He has always chosen emotionally unavailable women - I am that person too, but I was ready with him. While I thought his sharing of his past was intimate - he did not tell me his needs, resented me for not being a mind reader, did not tell me how he felt, and it is very hard to be shut-off like a lightswitch. Now I've opened my eyes a bit I realize he has no intimate relationships. No real friends. I tried to talk to him once a week, it was all defensive and horrible from his side making me defensive (especially when he is saying stuff about his ex thinking I'm the same), I pushed him further and further away by asking normal questions. It's been over 2 months and his Grandfather - his role model - just passed. We've been talking all week and had one intimate-ish conversation about the way he feels about his Grandfather's death and he's pulled away again. I then doubt myself - is it because I am the only one and he's lonely/vulnerable and just needs a friend? Does he still care? Am I a lovesick fool who is waiting around and I'm simply in denial that it's over? Both my therapists think he loves me and can't take caring, they say he's textbook, and I have to distance myself so he'll feel safe to come back. I think what about my needs? I am dreading the holidays especially New Years. I have to play a game where I have to pretend not to care. I cannot bring up anything about us, ask questions or anything.

In retrospect, I wish I had read the links and gone to meetings before everything shut down because I would have understood more of where he was coming from, and been better prepared. I still think he's the man for me but I don't know how long I can wait, and even if he comes back as soon as he gets close this may happen again. If we do get back together we will have to go to couples counselling and individual work. Would I still have had a relationship with him knowing what I know now? Yes, he's incredible - but I'd be better armed.

Tasha · Senior Member

Just remember - the people who are living with alcoholics that are living a beautiful healthy life in recovery... aren't here on this message board. You are getting only one side of the story here. How many people take the time to post how wonderful things are... or even bother coming here or to recovery if they are. I didn't come until things were bad. Now they are good so I never post - because no one wants to hear about it.

The great thing is - in my private real life - I know many happy recovery couples. We do things like cookie bakes and the guys get together... dinners... attend speakers together... golfing... we made maple syrup last spring as a group... host all kinds of things. It's wonderful - and these are truly happy people who you could trust with a million dollars and would never say anything but good things about their lives now.

Try an open speaker meeting with alanon or AA speakers and look around the room for the happy couples. You're basically here asking people who are suffering if they would recommend it - and who in their right mind would say yes to that?

Get both sides of the story.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.