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I had an unhealthy relationship with my son, I found that I was blaming myself for how he turned out, although I may have not raised him perfectly but I did my best with what I knew at the time. I latter learned to meditate and started living from the inside out. To me meditation put alot of my life in prospective and showed me my priorities. What I also found out through the steps was I had not forgiven myself for how I raised him...and this constant feeling of unforgiveness brought about guilt, guilt that made me feel I still owed him something, so I kept enabling him trying to make up for what I hadnt given him when he was young. The unforgiveness was very deep and I had to go very deep to uncover it. It took time and patience and lots of prayer and meditation. The meditation has not been anything formal, but daily persistence for 30 mins at a time does it. The changes are subtle and when you least expect it you feel better and do things you have never done before but wanted to without effort. It requires a quiet spot and time for yourself only. It is not a quick fix but the changes are lasting. We also need to not be so arrogant and think that we can do better than God, so humility is in order. God forgave you a long time ago, now you have to forgive yourself. Gets some books on forgiveness or google it, its worth it. I had to finally have a funeral in my heart and said if he dies, I have done all I can do. This is extreme and some on the board may have a better idea. You don't owe your son anything, especially something that will enable him and make his bottom have to be lower. You do owe yourself forgiveness, and peace heaven only knows you have payed your dues.... Breath everyday for 30mins, twice a day if you can, it wont feel like you are doing anything because that is the whole idea, you can't force it you just have to relax, if a thought comes up send it down an imaginary waterfall. Thinking of you, in support OG A sponsor is very helpful, and no isolation at this time.
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
GUILT should be my middle name. My husband and I own a business and left my son home alone way too much from the time he was 12 and he hates us for it. Now he drinks and smokes and is angry all the time. I lost another son to a car accident years ago and I spoiled the younger son with things but not our time. He treats me badly everyday but my guilt is so overwhelming that I keep trying to make up for lost time. I believe I ruined his life. I should have been home because he needed me and now it's too late. He still lives at home for now. I worry myself sick over the choices he makes. I have been away from the alanon program for many years and btw my husband still drinks too. I have meditated for stress relief but not for forgiveness .
Thank you for sharing a bit of your experience(history) and learnings with us, OG. I, too, can remember feeling guilty because I blamed myself for my son's choices. Several years ago, I awoke from a deep sleep. I was fully and completely aware that my son's addictions, alcoholism and brain damage had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. In that moment, guilt died. I knew that I was 100% NOT GUILTY of anything that had to do with any of that. That realization was not mine. I do credit my HP with it. I quit carrying the badge of shame and blame for my son's difficulties and challenges.
For years after that, although my thinking had been changed with no true effort on my part, I still lived with the belief that things would change for him and for our family. That hasn't happened and may never happen. This summer I accepted that possibility. I surrendered not only my son but my dream for our family into God's hands. I made the decision to live my life as best I could without hope that anything would change but with faith that all was as it was to be for now. I forget that sometimes, but my HP and folks in the program have helped me get back on track. There are times when I fall down and forget to accept rather than to expect. Again, my HP and folks in the program help me stand erect again and live my life as it is rather than I have wished or hoped or preferred it would be.
I have also learned that if I hang my hopes on my kids and what they do with their lives, I'm chaining them with a weight too heavy to carry. If I blame them for how I'm thinking, feeling or behaving, I am making them responsible for me. That, too, is a weight too heavy for them to carry. If I want them to live for me, I'm wanting what isn't mine to own. If I'm wanting them to be like me, I'm asking them to be somebody they are not.
Thanks again for sharing some of your experience and learnings, OG. It helped me share some of mine.
I was looking for something, Oldergal, that captured 'the real meaning of Christmas', beneath all the tinsel and snow. I found it here in your posting . As an adult child I spent a lot of time reflecting on the way I was raised. And then I went on to reflect on the way raised our kids- and especially the part I played in this. I think, by the time we get to Step 11 we have stopped looking for instant answers. But we do expect results, gained from regular meditation. I enjoyed your description of this so much! Thanks.
Bless you for such a profound sharing! Yours was the first post I got to this morning!! As the mother of an active AD, you stuck such a cord in me with forgiving myself for how I continued to feel guilty for what I may or may not have done raising her as she is still wallowing in alcohol. It does take time....I am still slipping from time to time but I am so much stronger and clear minded than I was three years ago. And GTB - I loved the line of hanging your hopes on your children as a chain that is too heavy to carry. They have to live their lives as they want to live it, sober or not. It's their choice everyday. You are right, its how I live my life now, and not wallow in how it should be or the false memories you have of what was.
We also need to not be so arrogant and think that we can do better than God, so humility is in order. God forgave you a long time ago, now you have to forgive yourself.
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I LOVE this part!!!
I still lived with the belief that things would change for him and for our family. That hasn't happened and may never happen. This summer I accepted that possibility. I surrendered not only my son but my dream for our family into God's hands. I made the decision to live my life as best I could without hope that anything would change but with faith that all was as it was to be for now.
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And to G2B- thanks for putting this idea into words. Yes, that is me. (Only with my spouse.) I have to surrender that my HP is going to listen to me and do things the way I want them. I "know" the possibility that it won't happen, but now I have to "accept" it too and live my life the best I can without that hope of change. It all has to do with trust that my HP has me in his hands. Maybe that is the meditation picture..... a big set of hands with ME in them.
Og, thank you, I feel like your post is directed at me and I appreciate your words.
I have been thinking this over for a long time about my son getting a flat. I told him I would give him the money for a flat but I would not do anything else, like look for it or set up the services and everything else that goes into it. I thought that if he done the leg work he would feel invested in it and be more likely to want to do the right things for himself to keep it. I got a loan for the deposit and first months rent and the money has been sitting in the bank for a while now. He has not really done anything about it.
I am still not sure this is the right thing but the only other alternative is him on the streets or living with me. I don't want to live with him because his addiction makes life really hard. I don't know what I am coming home from work too. The dread sets in on my way home. He is unpredictable with a history of aggression when drinking and so fear is part of my life when he is here. I have my other son to think about. The list of reasons why could go on and on.
I have no support from anyone where he is concerned, his Father offers no help or rest-bite from this, he leaves it all to me. My whole family know about my situation with my son and no one helps.
I am struggling right now, I know what I need to do but I cant seem to do it. I have a feeling that this is rescuing and enablng and all the things I have been working on. I am back to step 1.
I was looking for something, Oldergal, that captured 'the real meaning of Christmas', beneath all the tinsel and snow. I found it here in your posting 
. As an adult child I spent a lot of time reflecting on the way I was raised. And then I went on to reflect on the way raised our kids- and especially the part I played in this. I think, by the time we get to Step 11 we have stopped looking for instant answers. But we do expect results, gained from regular meditation. I enjoyed your description of this so much!