Quick; need advice - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Quick; need advice

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Who knows what out-of-touch reality is going on in his head. My guess is that trying to persuade him of anything will be as useless as it always is.

I think I'd probably say, "You know, since this is a community property state, if you buy a house and we get divorced, they'll award half of that house to me, even if only your name is on it. That's even whether I want the house or not. If you want to avoid that being an issue, I'd hold off on the house for the time being."

That's a fair thing to say but also could be viewed (by A's) as incendiary, so I wouldn't do it if there's any chance he could become violent.

My guess is that this is his way of saying, "See, I have my own little hidey-hole." It certainly doesn't suggest that he's doing everything he can to assure harmony between you two, despite what he has said. Just my view, of course; take what you like and leave the rest.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I decided to hold off on saying anything. I know him. He may retaliate in some way down the road or he may fight me and challenge my knowledge of the system. He's still being Mr Pleasant but I have an uneasy feeling about his motives. And I know that program tells us we can't know someone else's motives, right? Like you said; for someone who wants to reconcile, his actions show me otherwise.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

He can buy what ever he chooses as long as he provides his own personal assets right? It maybe too late for a pre-nup however you can sit with him and tell him what you will and won't do and one of the things I did was take an add in the newspaper which I ran 3 times over a 10 day period of time that I would no longer be responsible for my alcoholic/addicts financial responsibilities and I followed thru on it. When she consented to credit and didn't pay and (since we were not yet divorced) the creditor came to me I; 1. told them I didn't contract the debt and they made a bad decision. 2. go pick up the security for the debt and 3. in cases where she got goods on my accounts I told them it was illegal and to subtract the debt and other charges. Take a personal stand where he is forcing a boundary crossing.

Just my experience. ((((hugs)))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, Jerry, but all our assets are in both our names, outside of retirement funds and 401K. The lawyer told me the biggest risk I could incur is being responsible for the debt should he default or walk away from the property. I am so glad I have an attorney to talk to, but she is pushing me to divorce him. She's afraid I'm going to get screwed. I'm not sure if he can be that devious, especially since he's getting all Biblical and Christian right now, but who knows. I just know that I'm not ready to let my guard down any time soon.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD: I've known a lot of folks who have been all Biblical and Christian and still did things that were underhanded. He may not be that devious - more will be revealed. It is, however, prudent and wise of you to have an attorney and to listen to objective counsel that knows the law. If she's concerned, I guess I'd be concerned, too. If her specialty is divorce, she's probably seen a lot of stuff that makes her wary on your behalf.

To add a bit more: I don't see being wary of his motives as taking his inventory or thinking you know what he's doing and why he's doing it. In this case, I see your being wary of his motives as listening to your instincts/intuition/past experience/good sense. To me, that's taking your inventory.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 12th of December 2013 12:49:59 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok I always said I would never, ever put my name on anything with an A.

I guess I have questions, so if it is joint savings, is it possible to divide the savings and he can get the house in his name?

Myself I would stay out of it. With the "his" story you have shared, my experience tells me to join in anything with him is asking to lose everything.

You just had some scary health news,did you get the results yet and prognosis? It may be a way to say,"Right now with my health concerns I don't feel comfortable going into debt."

no way would my name be on the mortgage or deed. no way. believe me this is MY experience after losing all the retirement I would have had, and am now scraping to get by, and using my dryer is a luxury.

i was just thinking, maybe a counter option? Ok buy a house but I want my half of the joint accounts, my name off anything with you, and do not want my name on the deed or mortgage. So when you divorce, you have your own savings.

What would make anyone let their guard down with an A???They are very, very sick with a disease!!using or not, they are a second away from relapsing! I would look at it as protecting you both, keeping it simple. He would have his and you yours. Get your part, then divorce if you choose, let him sit there with that house, that could easily turn into a money pit. I am with your attorney big time.

Man that disease is good at manipulating. using or not, he is still an A.Not the best person to invest with. The way the world is, it just does not seem like a time to buy a house. Myself I want to keep things simple. Plus they take tons of upkeep!taxes, insurance. ugh.

how are you feeling??? love,deb

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 12th of December 2013 12:28:51 AM

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD -- I'm with Debilyn...I was deluded...and did not take all the precautions I should have before, during, and after the divorce. It cost me dearly...he got half my retirement...and though I kept the house, I am also solely responsible for the mortgage. I live in a community property state...and I should have protected my assets...because the system just is not fair.

Hang in there,

RP

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Since we are a community property state, it doesn't matter how our assets are split or whose name they are in. If it is in one spouse's name, then the other has a stake in it and is owed half if there is a divorce. So, even if I take out 10K say out of an account and put it in my name only, he will still be entitled to 5K should we divorce. There is no easy solution here.

Rehprof: I don't think there really is a way to protect the assets in a CP state unless you set up a LP or a corporation and hide assets there. I'm not that savvy nor have I worked in 15 years but I would think that would solve the problem. Of course, it takes cash to set up an LP or corp anyway and I don't have that kind of money laying around.

I did a little research and I found out that I could sign a spousal waiver at the closing instead of signing the deed itself. In AZ I am required to do one of those 2 things. Not sure how that would play out in a divorce situation. Also, AH is going to be getting money from his parent's estate to which I will not have a claim to. I need to find out if he uses those funds to purchase this house, do CP laws still apply or does the house fall under the inheritance laws and therefore I have no claim to them anyway?

It's weird how this can get so dang complicated, LOL! I'll be sending my lawyer another message today!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

In Michigan I inherited when my parents died. It became spousal property as soon as I did anything with it that put it into a joint account..... that would include buying a house jointly.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Mary Jane, MI is a comm prop state, too, right?

I told AH that I was uncomfortable with taking on another mortgage. What he does with that information is his business.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you discussed this with your arty? Granted you may be a community state you may be able to get something in writing especially in a separation agreement/ divorce that states you were against the purchase and he did it any way .. you want him responsible if he defaults. It's states in our agreement that we are responsible for our own bills in our name. If your name has to be on the house you refuse to sign. I don't know how that works ask your arty. He's choosing to make a purchase you don't agree with. Hugs

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, she said that if he uses inheritance money then the house will be solely his and I would have no stake in it. He would be responsible and I would not. Honestly, I'm just so confused, even more so now than before. I will just keep plugging along and trying to NOT make sense out of nonsense.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Smells foul to me.

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