Looking Up Faith - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Looking Up Faith

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I understand. Faith is something that's not seen and I truly believe it needs to be practiced every day but some days are harder than others. Sending you lots of support and hugs. I wish I had better words for you but I don't today, I can just offer support and prayers!

deacon · Senior Member

Cathy you are making perfect sense to me anyway. I go along for a while just letting go and giving up my worries to the universe. And then ... well I don't! I start to worry again and , even when I am trying to banish worry, even when I know that I can do nothing really to change another person, even when I read and talk and pray for peace and wisdom, it does not work. So it means sleepless nights full of 'what-ifs?' and projections of the very worse case scenarios. Worry is our way of trying to predict what is coming down the road and managing it. We are still in ' if I just try hard enough, things will turn out ok"

I do find that I worry more around full moon time. I refuse to take drugs to overcome the feelings because I have seen what they do to people. And I hesitate to burden other people with my fears because they have all heard them before and they have worries of their own. So what I do is just tell myself that this too shall pass, that I will weather this storm as I have so many others. The concerns about my son are always lingering there in the shadows but I acknowledge them and then try to get on with my own life. What I really have to work on is not being bitter that I , who can count on one hand the number of alcoholic drinks I have had in the last year, have to deal with the fallout of alcoholism in my daily life. Then I try, really try, to look at others who have worse things to deal with such as handicaps that they never wished for.

You will get through this dark valley and get to the top of the mountain again. Just hang in there.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I found this ODAT April 12

Despair - how many of us suffer from it. Yet we do not realize that it is purely the absence of faith. We cannot despair as long as we are willing to turn to God for help in our extremity. When we are troubled, and can't see a way out, it is only because we imagine that all solutions depend upon us. We must remind ourselves that our human wisdom and ingenuity have often failed to bring the hoped-for results.

Perhaps our too-heavy burdens have made us lose what faith we once had in a Power greater than ourselves. Perhaps faith was never a part of our lives and we are not convinced we need it.

In Al-anon we discover that the reality and the efficacy of faith, as a force for good, can be demonstrated. When we let go of an overwhelming problem and let God handle it for us, we find that Divine Principle truly has a part in our lives.

Today's Reminder

A natural faith is indeed a gift, yet it is never denied to those who feel the need of something to cling to and are willing to reach out for it. When I consciously surrender my will to God's will, I see faith at work in my life.

I will take comfort in unwavering faith, for without it I am helpless and alone

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy, I know what you mean. I often have to remind myself that my will has got me nowhere and so I must let go and have faith that something bigger than me can decide the correct course of action. I like the 'we cant see round corners' statement so how can we know what the best course of action actually is?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Something to add to the plate of God I guess. Son has no insurance or food assistance now. He let it lapse.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I suppose there are consequences coming his way then. Try not to do what I would do which is pick them up and claim them as your own. I am definitely a bit of a lesson thief. The lessons are coming thick and fast for us right now Cathy. I wonder if when we let go it needs to be done over and over until the learning becomes ingrained in our brains.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes el-cee I think your right. We are on the same page at the moment. I pray it's ingrained this time. Now to just get over the thoughts.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I notice that when I ask myself the question, "Whose business am I in?" when I'm feeling those familiar pangs of angst, urgency, fear, or whatever else is truly difficult to feel, my faith returns to believing in what is happening in my life at that time. If I'm worried about my son's life - his business. If I'm fearing what the future might bring - God's business. My business right now is to type these words to you. I'm now feeling comfortable, safe and at peace. The doorbell just rang. Time to see who is at the door. I have enough faith to do those things with no fear at all. Keeping my focus on myself and in my day is a one day at a time practice. I still forget. I still catch myself in other people's and God's business, but I'm better at returning to myself and my day than I once was. Progress is all this program requires and just a tiny bit of faith can keep us going. Hugs, Cathy.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 11th of December 2013 10:09:22 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I often have to ask myself when I take on the worry and the "stuff"...what is the payoff for me in staying stuck, holding on, worrying, guilting, shaming and the list goes on and on? When I look deep enough, I am getting something very powerful out of the mess I create in my head.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cathy, the irony is that I just had this conversation with my shrink today. I have good days on faith and then some not so good days. I didn't realize what a toll this past week has taken on my emotional state. As we spoke I had a lightning bolt hit me and I realized some trauma I was talking about is completely symbolic of my spiritual/emotional state today. What I came to the conclusion was once again I'm just fighting constantly. While it has served a purpose especially as kid to survive emotionally. I'm still apply these defunct ways to my current life situations. Everything and I do mean everything is a fight. Even when the waters are smooth so to speak I'm still expanding this unnecessary energy when I can relax. It's like quick sand the more I struggle the faster I sink. If I can stop my irrational emotional mind and move into my rational thought process .. I don't sink .. I actually float. The only thing I can do is let go .. it's not so much let go and let God as it is just let go. If I can focus on letting go the God of my understanding will kick in automatically. That is my own personal assignment for this month .. just let go. I think sometimes I'm not as conflicted withothers as I am myself. For me it's an internal battle of finding peace. That whole trusting something I can't see is really hard when I grew up trusting no one and always suspicious. Faith is the act of just letting go that is the start for me. The rest falls into place. Your son is either going to get it or not .. I have had to take a big step backwards with my friend who relapsed .. I can't fix it for her. She has to walk that road .. I also know I choose not to get pulled into the drama. I can sure pray. There is more than one way to be there for someone. Hp will be when I can't. I hope some of that makes sense. I've got so much running in my mind at the moment .. lol. Hugs s :)

Gaby · Senior Member

Cathy, I can so relate to all your feeling. I am reminded by my Sponsor and by my pastor that faith is what we need to have we may not see it but it's also for our peace of mind. I truly believe we have done all we can possibly do and more for our adult A's.. I again moved my son to another SLE place that costed him 450.00 and lost out on the 600.00 at the other SLE. All in 2 weeks. I am out of money out of energy out of a lot of missed work and possibly being resented by my husband and daughter. Because all my energy and focus is on my addict son and this has not just taken a physical toll on me but now my own family is pushing themselves away from me. I know you have done all you can do. One thing is I would never deprive any one from good. Let your son know you'll feed him but no money. I told my son I'm done you found another place and this is where I am done. I love I will support you in your recovery but from here forward your choices will be your consequences and I will no longer allow you in my home or around me. I made it clear in front of the person in charge at the SLE. He is there n now I have to try to help me as hard as it is and mend my relationship with my husband n daughter. Cathy take care of you. I know how you feel. I too feel the same every day. But I pray and pray and my faith is there. God will pull us through this. As I have been told what happens good bad or indifferent . I have no control. NONE !! I say this to me all the time. God bless and many prayers Cathy. You are not alone..

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cath))) your share and the responses are total WOWZA!!! I can't add anything much , however, with me it is the addiction of control......when my life was not in control (childhood) things went horribly wrong....I fear, terrified when i am not in control...its like i feel omg...life is gonna hammer me again bc i am not in control.....that learned helplessness is so deep seated in me....and thus the need to be in control (to feel safe, i guess) .....I just have to MAKE me take a step back and let go, and this is the hardest challenge to me ever.......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy

I too struggled with the idea of Faith The Bible tells me that Faith is belief in things unseen. 2 Corinthians 5:7For we live by faith, not by sight.

I could not let go because I did not think I would get MY WILL

In my early days in alanon I saw the power of the program so that I kept coming back and using the tools. I truly had the FAITH that the program worked if I worked it.

I used the program for my Higher Power for a few years and then came to terms with my concept of a Power great than myself. This power is absolute wisdom, knowledge, understanding, compassion, love and power. I could then turn my problems over this Higher Power because I trusted that the Greater Good would be served

Doing this I had to surrender my will, my wants, my plan my outcomes (Very HARD TO DO) and allow myself to be guided by The still small voice within. Often I was rewarded with outcomes that surpassed my grandest expectations and often i was devastated by the outcomes.

Today my Faith is strong I know the Higher Power is in control and the only prayer I pray is for the courage, serenity and wisdom to ho His will

Prayers for you and your son.

Rose50 · Senior Member

I also am trying really hard to just go on blind faith - that no matter what happens, God will be there to get me through. Just worrying about my son and thinking he may be miserable makes me feel like I have no right to be happy. If he's miserable, then I should be too. I know it's crazy. I want to enjoy life and right now it's just not happening.

Letting go is so hard and turning off my thoughts - even harder.

Despair - I can identify with that too.

Be gentle on yourself, Cathy.

(((hugs))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy did my best to put me in your place.

For me faith is work, not bad, but it takes some steps. Remember this is MY experience, how I do it, or am blessed with it.

Times are super, super hard. frozen here, I used power for when it got horribly cold last month. I was told they were turning it off. I don't even freak anymore. I thought ok now i learn how to live with out electricity for awhile. ugh. but then my manfriend,whom I rarely hear from, paid it.

Now I am packed in my bedroom with everyone,dragged my double recliner in here. there is a south side slider door so it gets hot in here.When the clouds came, I have to use this tiny I mean 3' by 3' plug in heater. The rest of the house....dogs water froze in the kitchen.snow is still here and I cannot get out. don't need to, but it is sooo cold in the house it brings me down to wake up and have to go in there. I refuse to turn on the electric heat.

Kerosene went up almost five bucks!!!! so forget that now. I cannot do the wood stove myself. so.....

anyway I do get sick literally.Its hard work to survive when it is like this and everything is frozen and you are alone. have to bucket water to the barn, in front and in back. then refill all day.

But at least I had water nad working toilets and hot water. r

next morn...could hear water. oh great. the hot water heater did not work, toilet would not flush. ugh. went in to clean the back bathroom and I can hear a river under my house. crap.I think the pipe broke to the washer, toilet and hot water heater. sooooo now what? I turned off the pump and water to the house.

I had been filling buckets so I had them ahead of time, I have used it all now. My next thing is, remember I have chronic pain....I have to take buckets to the water holding tank...400 gallon, open the lid and take out buckets of water. Its in the ground btw, well from a cement floor in pump house.

Just wanted to go to bed and sleep, forget it.cried, almost screamed, said the f word. I was not worrying about if myold pig peed in the house on his blankets as I was just washing them every day. well now what? I won't share why, but I have had to do a lot of wash....

faith. I got out this new book a brother brought to me. And I open and read my Bible. It ALWAYS makes me feel better to read. The reason my faith is strong is becuz I know the creator loves me and I love him. When i read the Bible or whatever book about the Bible or from the Bible I am getting to know the creator more, and I see more and more what makes me love and like him.

the closer i am to him, me personally, the better I feel. this is me.

now you. It has not been that long that your son turned sour and you had to deal with this hell. you have not been here that long.I want to say be soft with yourself. (saying you are too hard on yourself, sounds negative.) I lost my AH about 2002 if not before. it took me YEARS to get where my life was familiar how it was or is with out him.

this is your child. you have lost your child!!!! Just how long do you think it takes people to be able to live ok with that??? Some, never. I mean for petes sake what good mom would not be torn not to grab onto his collar and hang on for dear life?

I mean how do we accept the person we loved, husband or son or whoever is gone, when their body is walking around? That is freaking torture!

Have shared with you and others, again, when I realized no matter how hard I prayed to not love him anymore, I loved him.I accepted I loved the boy, young man, young adult, adult I knew all my life. Then I accepted this person in his body is NOT my friend/husband. I would never choose to be this persons friend or anything. My husband is dead. Now I know he is becuz of the brain tumor too. So of course your situation is different, BUT it isn't. that is NOT your son, that is his body. Your son is gone, he may still be dormant, held prisoner in that body. That is one reason he has to want sobriety and life so bad he can push out of that body and reclaim what is his.

You in NO way can grab down his throat and pull him out! its hard to face, but we cannot!!!

I don't know if this makes any sense at all. all I know is I can think back and remember when this hit me. there is nothing to let go of, he is already gone.

CAthy you are not a bad mother to pray and put into practice going on with your life, leaving that body behind. Now if you do believe the Bible and you have shared you do, then the faith you are blessed with is, he could find a time to fight and find out living without all this bs is better, or he will pass on. Even then, if you truly believe, the Bible tells us you will see him again at the resurrection. I truly believe this.

Hey we still will feel the grieving and pain, but not every moment. We will gradually heal, by working to look ahead. I still do not hear from my daughter. Most the time now i can let it be where it is., But sometimes those deep sobs excape me. then I am back on track again.

It is ok to let go, but now think, could I, debilyn help you to let go? is there anything anyone else can do to make you let go of him? no, you are the only one who can do it. You have to choose to stay in the hell you are in, or you can choose to live your life without him. just sending him love in your heart when he comes into your heart. and saying STOP, things are ok just how they are., meaning you, making a happy home, bringing your cats to a home you are decorating, you breathing sighs of relief as you learn to let him go. Now who knows best, you or the creator? Whose hands is he in better care? yours or the creator?

Right now or when you wrote that, you bet you felt awful. now did it ever get better for awhile even? You have my email address if you want to email back and forth, or whatever you need. I can shut up too. lol I love to listen. I know with me I feel better when I get so horribly lonely to go to Walmart,small town, and people always talk to me there. I have that kind of face, like my grampa, we never knew a stranger.

wish you could come over, but then having no toilet and having to stay in my bedroom....with all these animals. lol you may not appreciate pottying in a bucket till things are fixed! lol

Oh I gotta tell you. once my adopted sister, another pig lady came to see me when things were rough. the toilet was a bucket in the hall of my barn.there was a door from the bunkhouse i was living in...her daughter came too. She said well that is the first time I ever had to pee with a rooster looking at me! lol its all in how you choose to look at it.

believe me, my having to push Prudey my young potted pig out to go potty, her believing snow is some evil trick and will eat her, then she pushes back and pees in my slipper......or at night I am so stuffed in here I cannot RUN to the bathroom fast enough.....lol its all how you look at it. I know God is laughing at me....its a joke I know it is all a joke! lol but I get you, cuz this morn I was sooooo down. I wanted to go do my best to die from hypothermia..but then who would kiss and take care of all my loving animal family???I mean do you want an English Bulldog in diapers???lol huggen ya, deb

oldergal · Senior Member

I had an unhealthy relationship with my son, I found that I was blaming myself for how he turned out, although I may have not raised him perfectly but I did my best with what I knew at the time. I latter learned to meditate and started living from the inside out. To me meditation put alot of my life in prospective and showed me my priorities. What I also found out through the steps was I had not forgiven myself for how I raised him...and this constant feeling of unforgiveness brought about guilt, guilt that made me feel I still owed him something, so I kept enabling him trying to make up for what I hadnt given him when he was young. The unforgiveness was very deep and I had to go very deep to uncover it. It took time and patience and lots of prayer and meditation. The meditation has not been anything formal, but daily persistence for 30 mins at a time does it. The changes are subtle and when you least expect it you feel better and do things you have never done before but wanted to without effort. It requires a quiet spot and time for yourself only. It is not a quick fix but the changes are lasting. We also need to not be so arrogant and think that we can do better than God, so humility is in order. God forgave you a long time ago, now you have to forgive yourself. Gets some books on forgiveness or google it, its worth it. I had to finally have a funeral in my heart and said if he dies, I have done all I can do. This is extreme and some on the board may have a better idea. You don't owe your son anything, especially something that will enable him and make his bottom have to be lower. You do owe yourself forgiveness, and peace heaven only knows you have payed your dues.... Breath everyday for 30mins, twice a day if you can, it wont feel like you are doing anything because that is the whole idea, you can't force it you just have to relax, if a thought comes up send it down an imaginary waterfall. Thinking of you, in support OG A sponsor is very helpful, and no isolation at this time.

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

Cathy, I too understand. It's hard to keep believing, and it's very hard to let go of the outcome! I keep telling myself that God is in charge of the outcome....
I plead my case with him, I tell him how much I love my boys (as if he does not know) and beg! Beg and dread.
I have moments of clarity and calm, but then panic comes rushing back in. I just have to keep throwing my hands up, reminding God that my son belongs to Him, and that no one (not even me) could love my son more!
I'm praying for the peace that comes with surrender. I find I must surrender to my loving Father....and not surrender to the disease. To think of turning my son over to the disease is horrible, my peace comes when I turn him over to God!
I'm praying for you too. Thank you for sharing this!

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I was never a bible pushing person. I believe in God. I always believed He was there, just never thought about it much... Then, one cold February night, almost 4 years ago, I hit my bottom. I was in the darkest place in the mind, body, soul. I actually dropped to my knees and admitted it. I cried, sobbed really. I surrendered. I knew that I could NOT go on as I had been doing, I was empty. He heard me. I felt a peace that I had NEVER felt before. MY AH was passed out in the next room and I was at peace. I have NEVER stopped remembering THAT moment since. Now, when I am troubled, I talk to Him. he soothes me. The point of all this.... between talking/praying to God and working the steps/principles of this program is how I manage to live my life. I believe it is called faith. I don't know if this helps you but it sure helped me. Take what you like and leave the rest.... I wish you peace Cathy.

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