The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was only a matter of time. It started with the odoul's, moved into the beer, and is now I am certain..moved back into the liquor.
I can't help but be sad. I mean I keep my head above the water and have fun at my business and bought some crafts to work on..but I wanted to cry on the drive home. Guess that's normal. I'd be sad if he had cancer. But I'm mostly sad for me. I am sad for him periodically then I consider the fact that he has already been given a roadmap to recovery and drank from the well. He just won't face his demons.
At least he came home tonight. He didn't come home Wed or Thursday or Saturday. (He missed coming to church to see me get confirmed) Doesn't want to drive home drunk. (glad of that) His excuse is that when you step in the mud you get stuck in the mud. I just know that he sees the mud there and walks right into it. He has choices. He can chose NOT to hang out with people that drink. etc etc. He can Choose to make his friend get a ride home rather than take him home .and then stay there because he is already drunk. DUH. And he disagrees with me that he is not powerless. What a joke.
I am sad to say that I am moving closer to the thought that It is just not going to get any better. Promises promises "its all going to be ok" he likes to say. Its like he is trying to talk himself out of it. convince himself. or maybe he wants me to convince him. Well, buckle up buttercup, cause I'm tired of faking. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Up until I guess Sunday, I really thought I could. Now I would rather just be alone. I mean I am already alone, I just won't have to deal with any crap.
Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but when he got home I just said how sad it was the he was so wasted. He didn't appreciate that much. Pretty nicely told me not to say that. Happily he wasn't a verbally abusive jerk face like he used to be. I feel like he expects me to coddle him when he is in this fragile, stressed out state of mind the one he is in in the morning before he gets enough beer in him. I keep telling him that he is codependent. And boy, don' t I know what that is. He "neeeeeeds" me. needs me to be sweet to him. what the heck. At least now I am conscious enough to resist. I am not always successful (in resisting)..but I know what is happening.
I often wonder if he hears the words that are coming out of his mouth and the way he says them. I have started confirming what he is saying. for example.you asked me to do this right now as though it were urgentis it urgent.? Then answer is no. What the heck?
Well, I still had a pretty nice evening. and still will even though he did come home (now a days I prefer that he is gone..how sad). I better be off to sleep.
Hugs .. don't know if this will help .. the keen alcoholic mind at work. I listened to a speaker who was beyond awesome and explained in ways I had never heard about what it's like to be an alcoholic. One of the many things he said was my intention was to walk into a bar and have 1 drink. The reality of that intention never added up. By the time I realized I had more than one drink it was already 5 hours later and I figured aww hell what's the point of going home now? That Is something I can't imagine doing .. an addict? That is how they live .. the intention doesn't match the action. Keeping the focus on you and what you are going to do is key. He's going to behave like an active alcoholic because that's what he is .. hope it helps. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In AlAnon we have the 3-"A's". They are Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You are becoming very aware and starting to accept exactly what he is. You can't go to a hardware store for bread. You can't have an alcoholic not behave like an alcoholic. Now comes Action..... what are you going to do to take care of yourself. That is a huge range of things. You are already started by knowing you can have fun at your business and have things to work on. You are taking care of yourself at church even when he doesn't come to see you.
You are doing great. Keep on taking care of yourself.
Thanks both of you, It always helps to get it out there. And it always help to hear others perspective on things. Serenity, it does help. It helps me feel less like a victim because I am reminded that that is who he is when he drinks. Its not about me. I am not a Bit@h as he likes to call me when he gets mad. I didn't have an affair with the nasty guy that he had drive him home. I don't have to be so concerned about what he thinks anymore. I really don't care. He told me I must have done something wrong. I said no I didn't, but If you want I will leave in the morning. I am really tired of this, not in a sad way, just in a I really want to have a normal life kinda way. I want to be able to enjoy my evening. I want to be able to schedule myself at work, but I can't cause I never know what kind of emotional state I will be in on any given day. OR if I want to leave, I don't want to have to deal with leaving the next morning to go to work.
I am trying to fight the desire to do what I have always donenot rock the boat. Screw the boat. I will NOT go down with this ship!
Good work. You came to your own conclusion about what you can do now. Sleep in the guest bedroom and refuse to go down with the ship! 2 strong statements. I lived with the same kind of stuff you are now. I basically said the same thing to myself you are now just using different words. I changed my life within a few short months of making that statement. Check that. I was willing to make the changes my HP had been urging me to make and saw exactly what to do and how to do it with very, very little effort on my part.
A good night's sleep without interruption for she who has declared herself in charge of herself and of her life will do wonder's for you!!! You are sounded strong and confident to me.
