Back on the merrygoround - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Back on the merrygoround

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

or is it working on me to have the strength to put my son out of my home and start living a peaceful life?

I think this one is the answer.....its hard...a mother's instinct to protect and nurture her children is profound...I know U know what u gotta do......It is bad enough my favorite younger brother is an alcoholic, I can't imagine what it is like to have a child doing this...my heart goes out to you moms of alcoholics

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi El-cee,

I can not give advice as all our situations are different but I can share my esh and you can take anything you like.

In al anon they say say what you mean and mean what you say. I just couldnt get this one I would say do not cpme here drunk then I would let him in drunk. My sponsor told me I kept moving the goal posts I just didnt understand my head was so confused.

Then after a while I tried it once I had said somethibng I stuck to it SAid what I meant and followed through and guess what ir worked.

No matter what the consequences after that I stuck to boundaies and handed outcome over to HP.

Here is an example told My ABF not to come here drubk for years always let him in. Then one time he got in and wouldnt go when he fell asleep I rang ppolice told them I wanted him removing not arrested just removed. He knew I meant business and never broke that one again. He also used to steel my care while drunk for years. Then one day I rang police and went right through to court he was charged he never took car again. I was worried about him getting a record but knew I had to stick to my boundary.

As for your reactions, I was affected by different peoples addictions and I did have to change my reaction but that does not mean I have to accept unacceptable behaviour. I have compassion for my ABf but I have a boundary if he drinks he can not live here I have to protect me I love him but it is his choice today he chooses sobriety and living here just for today.

hugs tracy xxxxx

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This was the kind of work I was made for in recovery El-cee I asked questions when I was confused and needing feedback and the fellowship came to my support each and every time with their ESH. My experience was that it wasn't talking that got the recovery done it was the walking and so I stopped confronting, scolding, teaching, discussing and all the other waste of time things I was doing. I had more than enough ESH from the fellowship that told me it didn't work for them and wouldn't work for me either so I stopped. I changed what I did and didn't do which was creating the problem for me and put into action what I was learning. I divorced my son...yeppers I already had two divorces from addicted wives so I had the experience. Divorcing my son was just a tad different and then not much so plus he wasn't an exwife he would keep coming back to keep me appraised of the insanity which I didn't have to take part in. I had a sit down with him on a planned night and told him my plans and gave him options for himself. I was letting go of the appartment we shared and he could take it over if he wished. I was going to a newer smaller place which had no room for others and he wasn't coming. He could create his own options as he liked. I told him why I had created change for myself also, "Your drinking and using and refusal to be responsible to our place threatens my own recovery". Didn't say it mean...said it and followed thru on it. If he drank and used he could not be around me period.

Someone here mentioned "breaking the circle" so that she didn't or wouldn't keep going around and around and I understood that from my own recovery. If I break the circle and start traveling away from it in as much of a straighter line as I could the dizziness would stop and I'd get to stop doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. So there... I'll listen more with you on this. (((((hugs))))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

El cee. I asked my son to move because I couldn't and wouldn't live with his drug and alcohol use, intimidation, lies, manipulations, threats, people I didn't know coming to the house while I was at work, refusal to get a job and keep a job, constant demands/begging for money, rides, absolution for inappropriate and repeated behavior, verbal, emotional and mental abuse, lack of rest, lack of peace, lack of safety, lack of security, lack of privacy. blaming, self-pity, criminal behavior(buying drugs and using drugs), filthy language, excuses why he couldn't pay his rent on time to me, doing little and expecting much. He didn't want to change. He didn't ask me to help him change. He didn't want to get help. He didn't want to go to AA. He didn't want to go to NA. I didn't want to live with an active A/Addict. I worked the program to help me continue to do what was hard to do but I needed to do to save myself from living with somebody who wanted the life he was living and not the life I was living.

At some point, I refused to accept his disease as an excuse for his behaviors. The program was for me - not for him. He didn't care about the program. He cared about his drugs/alcohol/partying.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 9th of December 2013 06:46:41 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you

Im thinking of this plan of action. Tonight after work I give him 1 weeks notice. He has got a couple of options. I ask for help from members of my Alanon meetings. I could ask them to help me get him out if he refuses to leave or ignores me. Even if they are just present when I enforce it, to give me strength. What do you think?

If I do it this way I will be less likely to go back on this decision and he would know Im serious because Ive called in reinforcements.

Is this my will though or my hp?

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 02:30:58 AM

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 02:47:10 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

HP will help if you ask. Don't give up on yourself. I'm not. I will continue to move forward no matter what I do right or wrong. Just like the Alcoholic progress not perfection is the key to success. We have to learn and practice every single day if we want it bad enough.

Prayers are with you

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes we wobble. You are strong. The best action for you will come, you will hear and then you will do the next right thing. aww

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.