The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been dealing with an alcoholic Aunt (half Aunt) since I was a child; (I am now 52) and she is 56. She has been in and out of treatment too many times to count, and was sober for almost 8 years and started drinking again about a year ago. She has not been able to hold down a job and has depended on the family and welfare most all of her life. She has borrowed money that she hasn't been able to repay. Currently, she is living in a boarding house which is over 3 hours drive from us. The other day, she called me to say that she needs to be in court for a DUI she got a year ago... this is the 4th time she has had to come to the cities for court and each time she has depended on me to pick her up at the bus, house her, etc. When she called about needing to be picked up at the bus depot, I told her I had plans and she would have to wait for about an hour before my brother could get there. I also told her that I had plans the day of her court so that was going to be a potential problem. She expected me to drop all my plans to accommodate her. She also planned to come to the cities with no money for a bus back home (so, we would have to pay it or she would continue to stay with us). She got mad and told me that she didn't feel like part of the family... I told her that "it was getting old" and she went off on me telling me to forget that she was alive and hung up on me. My brother called her the next day and offered to pick her up but she wanted him to pick her up in the evening (vs. afternoon) and she insisted that wouldn't work for her... so, she is supposed to be in court today and will not make it. What does one do??? Why do I feel guilty?
Welcome to MIP - I think that you will find lots of support and help here. I know that for me reading the posts here has helped me to understand how alcohol affects the behaviour of so many people and, in my case, those feelings of guilt have been a huge learning curve - especially when I couldn't bend over and do everything whilst juggling twelve plates on sticks at the same time
Welcome to MIP. I had so much quilt I couldn't stand myself. I have mostly gotten over that within myself with the help of Al-anon. You might want to use the search bar above and type in the word quilt and find a whole bunch of postings about it.
The ESH ( Experience, Strength and Hope ) here is vast so keep coming back because you are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
No, don't feel guilty. You are taking care of yourself. She is taking advantage. Did she ask? Is she willing to repay? Are you responsible for her poor choices? Can you do anything about any of her consequences? She wants you to put a pillow under her bottom so she won't hit the pavement so hard.
Your job is to live your life as well as you can. You don't have the responsibility to get mixed up in anyone else's drama. Respect her enough to let her figure it out.
You feel guilty because you are a caring person who wants to help but as most of us here have learned, alcoholics are a bottomless pit when it comes to taking. I have had to stand firm on things like this with my husband and make him deal with his messes and it's never easy or natural but I know it's the right thing for both of us.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
No, don't feel guilty. You are taking care of yourself. She is taking advantage. Did she ask? Is she willing to repay? Are you responsible for her poor choices? Can you do anything about any of her consequences? She wants you to put a pillow under her bottom so she won't hit the pavement so hard.
Your job is to live your life as well as you can. You don't have the responsibility to get mixed up in anyone else's drama. Respect her enough to let her figure it out.
Oh i LOVE this response......
Welcome to alanon.....I very much agree w/your not wanting to enable this GROWN woman who did this to herself and needs to take care of her own messes....also I SO agree and echo what maryjane says here....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha BeeBee...are you a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your are and are you attending face to face meetings? This is a great place to get support and Experience, Strength and Hope from others you know what you are going thru cause we've been there and done that too!! Wornout...gave you a good look at why the guilt...you are a loving person...when loving persons say no or have conditions...they feel guilty. Feelings are not facts...you're still a loving person and "No" is a complete sentence while "here are my or the conditions" is a bit longer...do what works for you and helps her to change her behaviors so that she gets better consequences. Feelings are also choices so you can choose something other than guilt to feel also...how about happy or grateful or serene? Keep coming back here and let us know how things come out for you ((((hugs))))
THANK YOU for your responses and insight!! I have not attended any Al-Anon meetings mainly because I have so many other things going on in my life it is hard to add another... So, I got a phone message from her Lawyer yesterday... I had called him last week to let him know she wouldn't be in court on Monday, and he never returned my call so his message was, gee, I wish I would of called you because your Aunt never showed up... then, he proceeded to tell me how important it is for her to be in court! Apparently, she called my mom saying that her court date is now moved to NEXT Monday... Again, date set and she has no money for bus fare, etc. and assumes someone will pick her up. I just left him a message saying that our family is not responsible for her bus fare and if it is that important that she be in court, maybe he can arrange transportation. We will see what happens. I LOVE the comment about alcoholics being a bottomless pit when it comes to taking! SO TRUE! I don't even want to know how much money I have given her over the years let alone the other family members. She expects it from us because we have comfortable lives, homes, etc. and she has nothing...
