The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my SABF became really angry with me out of the blue. We were having a great day and then all of a sudden Mr. Hyde made an appearance. He wouldn't even speak to me. Personally I think he was looking for an excuse to go binge on chocolate ice cream...which he did. I didn't feel like playing into it so I slept in the spare room.
Now here we are...11am with me up and showered and doing household chores (It's my day off) and him still in bed sleeping off his chocolate hangover I wonder....do I go in with a cup of coffee like I usually do before we have a really good talk or do I leave it and carry on with my day? If I leave it it prolongs the silence which I find really hard to take or I can go in and risk rejection. I do owe him and apology as well. His dog peed on the duvet in the spare room just as I was going to bed (very unusual for her). This really ticked me off so I dragged the wet duvet into our bedroom and took the nice clean king size one from our bed. Childish I know. I guess I justified it because I was already in the dog house and didn't even know why and resented being treated that way again.
I really Love this man and in the six years we have been together we have both made great progress (I think anyway) but wholly cow this man just always has drama surrounding him. There is always a fight to be fought or and injustice to avenged.
Hello Nightingale,
I am smiling at the image of you switching the duvets - ace!
When I'm in this type of situation I try to do whatever feels right for me and my own self esteem - sometimes that means that I make a cup of something and sometimes I just carry on with other things that I want to be doing. I figure that either option is fine. It really is about what feels best to you.
I'm glad you are both making progress.
PS I love the lightbulb vases - so pretty.
Is it an olive branch? Is it a needy sucker? It is whatever you want it to be. I don't think a needy sucker is quite the way I would put it. Maybe it is just the black and white thinking that we are used to. I love your story about the duvets. We always say to do what you think you need to do to make yourself happy. You have no idea how it will be received. My sorta-sober hubby (still uses pain pills from cancer treatment) also is a drama queen/prince. And he is addicted to ice cream now.... with lots of chocolate sauce.
I did make that cup of coffee but we are miles apart in our perception of last night. I did finally voice how I felt about the balance of things around here. I work full time and have been the main bread winner. I do all the cooking, shopping, planning, cleaning, laundry, book keeping and peace keeping. When he does work he makes amazing amounts of money and did put down all of the large down payment on our home. He is a ticketed tradesman and is capable of doing amazing work. I try very hard...probably too hard to do everything he asks me to do including shoveling dirt and rocks and laying sod etc.... I pointed out that the one time I asked him to take care of some clothes in the dryer he told me he's not into folding panties. Saturday he slept till noon, got up and pointed out the spots I missed with the vacuum and what part of the floor needed cleaning, left to go for lunch with a buddy and then came home and had a nap! I called him on it today because it happens way too often. While dating he never presented himself as being a neanderthal. His reasoning for being angry yesterday was he had asked me to get my daughter to vacuum the basement and of course my 12 years old wasn't up to his tradesman standers and he felt what he wanted was being done. Really!?
He is an AA member and I have been a member of Al-Anon for 15 years. He has been sober for 10 years. I never know him when he drank. I was married to an alcoholic/addict/gambler for 16 years....together for 23 and we have two children 18 & 12. The 12 year old lives with me. My ex is not sober anymore .
My boyfriend hasn't been going to as many meetings as he use too. As for myself I have to admit as much as I don't want too that I resent going to Al-Anon. When I started going I felt I was going for me. Maybe that was because my ex was drinking at the time and I know it was the something that was going to change things for me. Now....I resent going. Maybe because I know my ABF wants me to go....maybe because I live in a smaller community now and we all know each other and it all feels less anonymous. My sister is our district rep. My brother-in-law is DCM for AA in our area. I feel like my whole life is have too. I feel like I've had very little time in my life to just do what I want and am constantly fulfilling obligations and I resent coming home from work, making diner, cleaning up then rushing out to a meeting before coming home and going to bed right away since I have to be up at 4 am for work while he does what he wants when he wants.
Sound awful but it's the truth.
Sounds honest to me also and so you're doing resentment right now. Do you like that more than doing the dishes and dinner and other tired stuff? This was a good vent better than alot of the ones I use to put together and I hated every one of them like I hated everything else. I needed freedom from it all also and what I did was to just let go and start making "happy" choices for myself. I resented Al-Anon when I first started it and after awhile just liking the feeling of having my ass still attached to my bottom I started working it to not lose it.
I'm grateful you came here and vented and lol after I read the first part of your share about taking him coffee I heard my former sponsors warning about not picking up a stick and poking at the dog crap in the yard because all I'd get is a bad smell.
Sounds like you're living with "self centered to the extreem"...Go sit in the palms of your HP and rest awhile. (((((hugs)))))
I'm a little lost about why it was a bad thing to switch duvets. Sounds rational to me. Just because someone thinks I should do something doesn't mean I have to. I find that that's the quickest route to resentment for me and resentment is lethal to both alcoholics and alanons. My sponsor told me that if I did something I didn't want to do just because the A wanted me to, I was committing a "premeditated resentment." For me, the best way to avoid resentment and then dysfunctional reaction tto resentment is to strengthen my boundaries. I try very hard to say no when someone invites me to be a victim but MAN is that hard for me. Usually I just give in, then complain how unfair it is I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing!
Thank you everyone for your support and ES&H. I ended up apologizing just to get rid of the tension....I know. Like I said in my original post we have both made progress. We are both better and less reactive then we use to be.
We were planning on going to an Al-Anon pot luck at my home group but we didn't. I'm so grateful I have MIP to turn to while I work through my resentment issues and refuse to go f2f. Thank you for being kind.
