The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just returned from a nine day stay in Texas. I was there for Thanksgiving to visit my daughter and her family, and also to help my son-in-law take care of their two toddler-aged sons (my grandsons) while my daughter attended a four day conference out of state. I was so glad to have to my able to grab my "Al-Anon toolbelt" to use during that time! My daughter and her husband do not put much into keeping their home clean and organized. I, being a bit of a neat freak, had to keep myself from wanting to clean and rearrange the entire house : )
Instead, I decided to focus on making sure that my grandsons were happy and healthy while their mama was away. I made sure meals were made, laundry was done and things ran as smoothly as possible, without taking over. My son-in-law is on the lazy side, but for whatever reason, he and my daughter have a strong relationship that works for them. As they say in Al-Anon, "My business ends at the end of my nose."
Is this the way I would want to live on daily basis? Um, no. But this is how they choose to live their lives. The week went relatively smoothly and my son-in-law and I "high-fived" for our "mission accomplished" when my daughter finally returned home on Thursday night. In the past when I have visited, things would become problematic because I would try to "fix" everything. This caused a lot of stress for all, and in the end, my daughter and her husband really didn't show appreciation that I went out of my way to clean and organize. In fact, they were resentful.
When I left yesterday, although I was exhausted and ready to go home, I felt that I left without any drama or angst. And I really enjoyed my special time with my grandsons just enjoying them one day at a time. It works when you work it!
Hi, GE. So good to hear your program work in motion. And, you get to come home tired but in a good way - not twisting in the wind with what ifs, amend needs, I should have/he should have/she should have. That makes me happy for you. You let them keep their own home the way they wanted to do it and spent your time focused on the babies! It can't get any better than that! Thanks for the positive share and program example.
G.E, my mum came to stay a while ago. We are messy, chaotic people but I made sure she had a lovely clean room to sleep in and she generally kept herself out of our mess and we had a great time. But a few weeks later, I went to use the BBQ. Where were the tongs? We couldn't find them. We went crazy searching for them and ended up driving to the store and buying new ones. The next day I found them. My mum had washed them and put them in the utensil drawer. Our habit is to leave them dirty on the bbq until we need them, and then complain "why are these things so dirty?" I would never have imagined that they had been washed and put in a drawer. I laughed so much when I found them.
Your post reminded me of this.
Different strokes lol.
I'm glad you enjoyed your time with your family.
What a great share my friend. I can remember this in my life and when I want to control/take over I can think of beautiful Green Eyes. You gave me a smile this evening
Thank you
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My thanks also to the person who posted right before Thanksgiving the diagram with the three overlapping circles when trying to decide the difference between helping and enabling. That image helped me so much last week. I can't remember who posted it, but I am grateful that they did.
What a lovely example of using the program. I too suffer neat freak disorders my kids would call it. (Smiling even as I type) My husband can go to their house when they are out of town and toss in a load of wash (he's a neat freak too) wash up a load of dishes or carry out a garbage they forgot to get out in time for pick up and they simply ADORE him for it all. I walk in and oh mercy, pull out the Merry Maids phone number before I get there. What's all that about, could it be the mother in law issue that many feel insecure about? Why doesn't it apply to my husbands helpful hands? Either way, I loved your post and will put it in my toolbox next time too.
Here's the diagram that someone on this board shared, which I have found to be very helpful when I am trying to understand whether I am helping or enabling a loved one:
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 9th of December 2013 01:19:47 AM
