I am a relatively new member of alanon (I've been to maybe 5 meetings in the last ten days), but I already see the many ways in which it can benefit my life and my relationships.  While my mother is not an alcoholic (nor is she an ACOA), I feel like she could really benefit from this program as well.  I say that in part because I am a recovering alcoholic with 3.5 years sobriety in AA but also because she has a seemingly unquenchable need to try and control virtually every outcome in my life.  Mind you I am a nearly 40 year old man, yet my mother feels compelled to give me unsolicited advice on everything from how to follow through with job contacts and references in my current career change, how I should handle my own troubled marriage (I am married to an ACOA who was previously very involved in alanon for many years), what I should wear to a job interview, and whether or not I look more employable with or without a beard (she regularly hints that she doesn't like my beard)...the list goes on and on.  It's actually kind of comical when I see it all here in writing.  

With some recovery under my belt and some new experience in this fellowship, I have found myself unwilling to engage in or perpetuate discussion where she does this via email (i.e. I can easily choose just not to respond to the email entirely or only respond to parts I feel are necessary), but I have more difficulty doing it when we are speaking on the phone or in person.  It's as though I can manage my own reaction (or lack thereof) for a little while, but eventually I feel the need to say something like "It frustrates me when you tell me how to handle a situation.  I feel like you don't think I can make decisions on my own."  Her reaction to this has been to shut down in a way and to pause somewhat incredulously.  She will either end the conversation entirely (as she did an hour or so ago when we spoke on the phone) or switch the topic to something completely inane and innocuous. 

This business of setting boundaries is quite new to me, and I know it is something she isn't accustomed to either.  I can see that in her reaction clearly.  She's used to telling me what to think/feel/do etc. because she thinks she's the ultimate authority on everything.  Yet when I set these boundaries - even though I know intellectually they are healthy - I end up feeling guilty or like I've done something wrong.  I know it's likely because this new way of standing up for myself feels odd, but does this sick sense of guilt ever go away?  I'm feeling very frustrated and angry, but I feel like I'm learning how handle these emotions in a healthy way instead of bottling them up as resentments.