The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Daughter got up. It was raining and thundering. Too heavy to walk to school in. I wasn't pleased with the idea but I knocked on ABF's door and asked him if he would drive her to school as it was an absolute hurricane outside. Please note, we never ask him to do this but today the weather was just so bad. And I figure I am entitled to ask since he has my car to drive himself around every day while we walk, ride or catch the bus wherever we need to go..
So he said OK and he seemed very friendly. He drove her to school and when he got back he stormed in, went to his room and slammed his door. I opened his door to say "thank-you" and he screamed at me, GET THE F OUT and a bunch of other nasty stuff. Then he stormed out a few minutes later and gave me a serve "I drove your F%$^'ing kid to school and I was in a good mood ready to sleep and you just had to start your s^&% opening my door and saying your crap". Slammed stuff around and told me to stay the F away from him. I just tried to say "thank-you". That's seriously all I was trying to say to him. He looked like he wanted to tear me to pieces.
So I guess the monster is back. I suspected it from the way he has been baiting me and fighting with me for the last few days but now I know. It was weird to see him spitting and frothing and swearing at me again because it has been pretty normal for a while.
I guess Mr Hyde never goes away. He just sleeps a lot sometimes. I hate that I felt loving, good feelings towards him again. I love that I was guarded and kept taking care of me. Maybe it's baby-steps but I handle this better and better. I'm going to take comfort in that. It's a lot better than crying and trying to reason with a monster.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Sunday 8th of December 2013 04:54:48 PM
I guess Mr Hyde never goes away. He just sleeps a lot sometimes. I hate that I felt loving, good feelings towards him again. I love that I was guarded and kept taking care of me. Maybe it's baby-steps but I handle this better and better. I'm going to take comfort in that. It's a lot better than crying and trying to reason with a monster.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Sunday 8th of December 2013 04:54:48 PM
Dear Melly
You are correct Mr Hyde never goes away unless a program of recovery is undertaken. It is alright to feel" lovimg feelings" as long
as you stay detached and take care of yourself as you are now doing
I can take your experience even as bad as it is and apply it to me and remember and learn I will never let my son live with me. To do that would only bring far more heartache. I'm sorry but we learn from each other.
I pray something will happen and you can get away from his anger and hurt he gives you everyday.
Staying detached is something we all need to keep in mind every single day..
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
That dear sister is violence and abuse. Not good...not legal. ((((hugs))))
agree....I would be addressing this w/ being outta there an if he comes at me again like that??? COPS!!! that is abuse and violence....an guess what??? sadly it escelates....he is getting worse and it will continue to get worse till he learns a hard lesson and gets into recovery
I can't tell you what to do, but I would be GONE after that...or HE woudl be gone, whose ever house it is should be the one who stays....I am soooo grateful I am free of living like that.....I will never ever accept abuse and violence of any kind from any one.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((hugs))) melly, i understand. we don't get to pick who we love, but we do have lots of other choices that we Can make. you are in my prayers. way to work your program
He went to his room for hours and when he came out just before I tried to give him a hug and say "hey". He pushed me away and said "I haven't been able to sleep because of your crap so leave me alone". Crap? I just tried to say thank-you for driving my daughter to school. I literally said no other words and when he told me to go away, I went. I have done absolutely nothing to hassle him. "Don't you dare hassle me again". And he shoved me hard out of the way and slammed his door in my face. Yes of course it's abuse but I conveniently forget how bad it gets. This is the guy who sat there a few days ago asking me what he could do to fix things between us. Well he played his hand too soon. It's not really working on me now. I so deserve to have a loving, kind and even-tempered man who cares for me and likes to see me happy. He can be rich or poor, and have all of the issues that he likes as long as he values my safety and happiness as much as I value his. I want someone who feels happy when they see ME happy because that's the way I am. And I like to be with someone so hopefully, if I keep at it, one day, I'll have that. Oh great, here come the tears. Let's cry over the psychotic ****le again. That will help.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 8th of December 2013 10:06:32 PM
(((hugs))) melly, i understand. we don't get to pick who we love, but we do have lots of other choices that we Can make. you are in my prayers. way to work your program
I respectfully disagree....we DO have a choice whom we hook up with.....and what is there to love about this b.f., i have been reading about for a while now???? what does he do to be a blessing???? and the poor little girl, what damage is his behaviour, unwillingness to help himself, what message is this sending to this poor little child????? .....what does he do to be a contribution to ANY form of life????? I see him as an alcoholic who is getting more nasty and menacing and I see him as totally unwilling to do ANYthing to help himself, but to slide by on Mellies good nature and her money and resources....
Dear Dear Melly, ..I am, as a survivor of this crap, sincerely hoping that you really work the steps with a good sponsor and now, i am thinking a domestic abuse place might be in order, but anyway, meetings and working the steps w/a good, strong sponsor to help you help yourself and your daughter.....and really....i would find out where the nearest abuse shelter is in your area....
I would think about what this man's behaviour is doing to her....If i am still alive in 20 years, I will be seeing her, on our board posting about the horrible, unpredictable and violent life she had to grow up with, with mommie being treated like manure and what that did to her self esteem as a young woman...she is learning how to be a codep. who will accept abuse bc it is her "familiar" zone.......
a little young lady gets her messages and training from her mom and folks who are intimately close to the family structure...she is learning how to be an abused woman.....my 3 nieces are all messed up bc my bio sister kept her AH who was abusive, violent (yelling, coming at her w/ menacing gestures, aggressive nasty behaviour...passing out drunk at the dining room table) and ALL 3 of those girls are adults now......1 is an alcoholic.........1 is a cocaine/meth addict who just got out of jail for the 3rd time...she served a year this time for attacking a cop while high on meth, her drug of choice to numb out HER past pain..........the last one is a man hating , out of control anger ACOA who is just absolutely horrible to live with....that poor thing will NEVER find a healthy love relationship b/c what few men she can date for a while, see her anger issues and they RUN.....
I have said all i can say from my experience , watching kids in this family dynamic and what this does to them.....I was on the worst case scenario with the sex abuse, but ANY abuse, to mom, to her, around her is going to have devestating affects on her in later years....I know...I have seen it soo many times......
OK....this is your life, your daughter and your choices..and i need to shut up and butt out........I am gonna pray for that poor little one that he dosn't harm her......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Melly you are a good heart....really you are....I would love for you to post us about your starting anew with daughter in tow and while you work your program and take care of and discover YOU...HP MUST have a great guy out there for you who will BE for you...Healthy...loving...supportive...fun to hang out with....doing his life in a healthy way as you do yours, but you got each other's backs.....that is my wish for you....gonna put this on your thread so you see it.........you really are a sweet soul
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm in the same spot Melly. We had a great Sunday morning. I got up early and when to get the ingredients I needed to make a dinner for his parents who once again called and cancelled. Never the less him, myself and my 12 year old daughter played music really loud while we danced and I decorated the tree and the rest of the house. Lots of fun. Him and my daughter went out to buy a ping pong table for the basement since Christmas is at our house this year.
I have no idea what happened between him leaving and coming home but once here got home he started barking orders and got so angry he's not even speaking to me. The dinner I made ahead of time no one ate and he went out a few minutes ago to who know where. I have decided to sleep in the spare room in the basement. While getting settled his dog peed on the bed which is very unusual for her. I may be asking for trouble but I took the soiled duvet and put it on the floor in our bedroom and took the big king size clean one down to the spare room with me. I gave my daughter a heads up.
We didn't do anything to provoke this...we know know that. It's just hard to live with when Mr. Hyde comes out. I don't have to worry about him drinking...I never knew him when he drank...but what he does do is binge on chocolate. I can see from the on-line banking he is at Wendy's eating an extra large chocolate frosty right now. Compared to the destruction of alcohol that may seem mild but that will be his third extra large chocolate frosty today. When you have Hepatitis C from your drinking and drugging days junk food is just as toxic and deadly as drugs and alcohol. Not to mention what it does to his self esteem to be 80lbs heavier then he should be.
Neshema, my daughter doesn't live a violent, unpredictable, horrible life. It is a long way from perfect, but that description isn't accurate. I come here to MIP to discuss me. The way that I am and the things that I live with and the things that hurt me and frighten me and my hopes for a better future. I'm already fantastic at second-guessing myself and thinking that I am a crap parent and a crap person. If I can get stronger and better, I can lead the way for my girl. Making me feel guilty and worried for my child really doesn't help me with that. Sharing here on MIP has been the most healing and productive thing I have ever done for myself. In the time that I have been here, I have made leaps that I never even dreamed possible. I'd like to stay focused on that.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 12:52:58 AM
I come here to MIP to discuss me. The way that I am and the things that I live with and the things that hurt me and frighten me and my hopes for a better future. I'm already fantastic at second-guessing myself and thinking that I am a crap parent and a crap person. If I can get stronger and better, I can lead the way for my girl. Making me feel guilty and worried for my child really doesn't help me with that. Sharing here on MIP has been the most healing and productive thing I have ever done for myself. In the time that I have been here, I have made leaps that I never even dreamed possible. I'd like to stay focused on that.
***************** Melly, I know you love your daughter and I am glad that you do everything you can to shield her.....and I would never make you, intentionally, feel ashamed of yourself.....you keep sharing here and keep doing what you feel you need to do.........I think I got triggered , reading this, and thinking of the immense pain and damage this kind of environment did to me, and others whom I love
Not knowing your whole story (your caring for your daughter) I just need to shut up and back off because I do not know the whole story.....my share was only out of concern........I don't want you to feel badly...I want you to feel safe and good to share here, so if i cannot offer anything up to you, I will just lift you in prayer and send you the best of wishes............I am an abuse survivor, too....child abuse...domestic violence abuse....the whole nine yards.....I SO wish I had known about this program back in the early 80's when i married my first AH, had i known about this program I would not have repeated my mistake, prolonging my suffering.....
I am here to work on me, help when i can and when a post of mine "back fires" all i can do is tell the person, i meant no harm to them, was just speaking my es&h and concern....that is all.....WHY would i deliberately do or say anything to harm another??? I guess what i am doing here is to NOT apologize for speaking the truth, however, but to say I mean absolutely the best for you and didn't mean for my "telling it like it was for me and my nieces and others" to sound demeaning to you.....
I send you PEACE and GOODWILL and the best of wishes, always....I can be very direct w/my es&h....I tell it like i experience it and see it.....didn't mean to make you feel badly.....This situation you are in is yours to work on......my job is to work on me ......i DO wish you the best and hope for a better future.......PEACE
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I guess I should have just said this and left it alone.....Sometimes I am just too "upfront" and as a "tell it like it is" person, I can get me in trouble.....I think this is a lesson for me.....say my es&h ONCE and then leave it....its not my business...its not within my hoola hoop and I need to observe that......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I just want to clarify. I am in love with a man whom I believe is my soul mate. I loved him the day I met him almost 16 years ago, and I will love him until the day I die. I can't make myself stop loving him because he drinks. I didn't even stop loving him when he told me what a loser and a bad wife I was.
I GET it, Melly.
I know that he loves me. I know that He has crap in his head that makes him lash out. Does that make it OK? HECK NO. That is what this program has done for me. It reminded me that *I* have value. I am better able to separate the disease/bad behavior from the man. I can still love the man and not accept the behavior. (well theoretically anyway). Is it terribly sad? - YES. Is there a solution besides sobriety and recovery?, I don't believe so. Its like wanting to go swimming but not getting wet. It is not a possibility. Alanon has taught me how to better cope with the desires I have to control and manipulate the situations. It has taught me that I can only change myself. I can only change how I react to things. All of this has brought me a great deal of peace. I am realizing now, that the peace that I want is constantly getting disrupted by that "thing that I cannot change". I no longer have a burning desire to change it. BUT instead I am more inclined to get away from it. I still love my husband. Dearly. I mourn the loss of our relationship (if there ever was one).I mourn the loss of our dream of a life together. But there are better things out there. It is sad to say how many times I have avoided potentially joyful experiences due to his behavior. I still avoid developing friendships. I moved away for a while and started a new life. I miss that new life. I'm tired of being reminded that this relationship isn't going anywhere. I am tired of waiting. Yet, here I am ..still waiting.
You can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you stay with. You can choose to love your joyful peace more than his sporadic attempts at connecting with you before he is drunk again.
My Ah seems to want me with him all the time. he does not want to be alone. I don't want to be his babysitter. I am tired of feeling like i am expected to make him better.
God helps those who help themselves. He needs to help himself. And you need to help yourself.
