The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a nephew who has been helped and helped and helped. He also said he did not have any money for food. I live in Utah, where he lives at, and we have food banks. We have shelters that will help out. But, my brother in law continues to help out. My nephew will be 31 in a few months and really nothing has changed. I imagine it would be the most heartbreaking situation to go through.
Cathy you hurt because you care about your son. Take a deep breath, pray, HP will find a way for both of you. I will pray for you as well. Does he have a case worker or is there a social program, local food bank etc that could help?
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I don't have any words of wisdom but want you to know that I understand and I care. You need to do what you feel is right. There is no easy answer.
I've heard the "I don't have food" story, too. I didn't respond. I just listened. Then, as my loved one spoke, he revealed how his new gf and her mother had brought him deli chicken, etc from the grocery store where they both worked. I don't have food is an opportunity for our loved ones to call their sponsor, if they have one - or even better -their HP.
I've also heard "I don't have food" because the budgeting involved buying what was wanted and not what was needed. Again, I didn't respond. I just listened. The conversation on my loved one's part revealed a need to better budget his food stamps and to go to a nearby church to attend services and to eat with them. Both times, I just listened, my loved one cried, complained, worried aloud about starvation, etc and then when there was no reaction on my part - just a listening response - came to his own solutions that didn't involve my help in any way. That was the last I heard about "no food." He learned he could meet his own needs without Mom's help. That was a while ago, but I remember the outside composure on my part and the sinking down beneath my own "rescuing" disease into peace and trust that my loved one could meet his need even for food if there was really a legitimate need. If he could find cigarettes and booze, he could find food, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of December 2013 04:34:06 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of December 2013 04:36:18 PM
There are food banks as has been mentioned. My son never had to worry about that because his neighbors always made sure he had food . They cooked for him every day and made sure he ate. You son will not starve.
I do believe that Prayer is the most poweful thing you can do for him
i will pray for you both
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 8th of December 2013 04:34:57 PM
I hurt but I want to be strong. I want it to end no matter what. He is not helping himself at all anymore. Can I handle it when it gets really really bad or will he do something about it. That is the question.
Melly....you are I bet right. He has enough to last for 3 days and does he know about food banks...I'm sure he does but will he go. I guess he will when he's hungry enough. He said his wound opened up again. I told him to call the doctor. Why does he tell me...I know why...so I will come to him and take care of it. He will get desperate soon so how do we continue to let go and let God take care of him.
OK...don't answer the phone anymore. Don't respond to the texts.
My dear lord it hurts
I have failed myself I know this...now what am I going to do about it is the question...
I hate it when I feel hopeless and weak
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
"Son! These are all things I know you can take care of yourself. I have faith in you and in your HP. Let me know how it all turns out. We can celebrate your ability to take good care of yourself." These are some of the things I've said to my son - in my head and directly to him. He hasn't liked it but its true. He can take good care of himself with the help of his HP and AA and his sponsor if he chooses. If he doesn't choose, he will feel hunger and he will feel pain. That might help him choose again? Even if it doesn't, you will be reinforcing in your mind that he is capable of finding food, cleaning his own wound, asking his HP for help, calling his sponsor and re-entering the programs he's left or find others he can enter. He has the time. He has the ability. There are facilities available. (Jerry's wisdom repeated. Smile)
We are powerless over this disease. It is progressive and fatal . It cannot be cured but can be arrested, Powerless does not mean helpless. We do have choices and none of them are easy.
Pray, ask for guidance. keep an open mind and listen to the small voice within.
If worrying is our habitual mode, we'll fall into it whenever we see an opening.
Remember that thing about "How do you know an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving." And how do they try to get a hook into us? By telling us they have no food.
I have to laugh, ruefully. Last night I called up my A and said, "I've got no food! Will you go out and get me some?" Because it was frozen and snowy here and I didn't want to trek a couple of blocks to get some. (We've been told to keep off the roads because of the ice.)
The "good" thing about A's is that they are so selfish that they rarely fall prey to manipulation! He said, "It's frozen out there! You've got to have something in the house." (Me, pitifully: "Maybe some noodles ... I could eat some plain noodles...") He said, "Well, last on them or on whatever till tomorrow. Bye." So then I had a little pity party.
Today he arrived to pick up our child and said, "I'm stopping at the store, want me to pick you up some food?" And I thought and said, "Actually, you know what, I have plenty." As Melly said, I just didn't have any YUMMY food. I had sauce and cheese for the noodles, even! And I'm not even an Alcoholic! Just a regular person having a little manipulative pity-party!
Remember that you can't know the whole truth about his food cupboards and his resources. Our tendency is often to assume the worst. The worst is rarely the truth.
Time to do something constructive and beneficial for you?
This I'm hungry and no food is a first so I'm thinking the worse. He is going to have to fix it or he will be hungry a lot now.
He has never begged for anything but I think it might start because things are becoming worse for him and I have to be able to handle it without fear and hurt inside.
Will the anger start with him? Will he resort to abuse? I have never experience any verbal abuse by him. How will I react? All questions for me to get help on soon...really soon.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
We are powerless over this disease. It is progressive and fatal . It cannot be cured but can be arrested, Powerless does not mean helpless. We do have choices and none of them are easy.
Pray, ask for guidance. keep an open mind and listen to the small voice within.
Agree 100%....helpless means u have no choices...u do have choices to stop enabling him in anyway.....the only hope for him to cry for help and reaach out for it is if EVERYONE gets out of the way and lets him drop to the bottom....THEN...MAYBE he iwll get help, but it is his only chance......trust me, I know....been there with brothers and done that.....now??? i don't lift a finger for them, yea, it hurts my heart, especially the bro. i am best friends with...it SUCKS, but i will NOT take away his only chance of reaching out for help...trouble is, he is so lovable, the whole town he is in helps him, so i let go........i tell creator, "do what u gotta do w/him bc i am powerless and letting go"
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
After my ex left for the last time this episode happened between us; I had worked all day, as usual, had female pain from ovarian cysts (anyone that has had them knows how bad that can be) I have mild episodes, and major episodes - this was a major one, lasted for three days in bad pain mode; he sends me text - wants me to drive to town at 7:30 pm and buy him $50 worth of food. I send reply - I will not buy you $50 worth of food so that you can spend your money on beer! he replies, I didn't ask you to buy me beer, just soup so that I can eat once a day. it went on for a few hours, texting, then emailing, vile emails, drawing me in (I was pretty new to al-anon); drew a mutual friend in who only saw the words. called the home phone, sent texts, nasty emails, etc. The exchange lasted until I emailed that I was turning off the phones and computer, blocking the door with a great little tool I'd found and he wouldn't hear anything more from me. And he didn't. hear anything more from me. and he didn't get any food from me either - I wasn't going to buy him food so he could save his money for beer - if he was really hungry, he'd buy food instead of beer.
a few months later he was hospitalized for a night due to imbalances caused by his drinking and not eating; I picked him up at the hospital and took him to his truck, drove by an hour later and he was still there (the lodge drinking beer with his buddies).
It hurt, yeah, still does. Can't imagine what it would be like if it was my kids though.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Cathy, my heart aches for you, .. I just can't imagine the horror of watching your son right now. My friend is struggling and all I can do is allow her to do what she needs to do. I'm so sorry. I'm grateful he's in the hospital. These are all based upon HIS choices NOT yours. I have to constantly remind myself when it comes to the consequences of my STBAX .. I am NOT doing to him .. he has DONE it to himself. All I'm doing is allowing the natural consequences to happen. I have done the same with my friend. The disease is just crazy.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
No Melly it's not stupid. I never thought about taking him a good casserole if I so choose. That's better than me going and buying him a bunch of food and be upset doing it because he didn't take care of his food money. I think he's been feeding his new found friend from rehab because he has never been out of food.
Thank you my friend....
I had a gambling problem about 10 years ago. I played online and spent about 20 grand before I realized I better get a handle on this. I was able to stop and never looked back. I can even gamble now without breaking the bank. I take just what I know I can lose without worry......just fun now.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I appreciate the wisdom and strength I've seen reading through these posts - gives me hope that I can do what I need to do - my son works in a restaurant, so he doesn't go hungry - but his"life is crumbling around him" and of course, according to him, it's all my fault because I didn't do my job as a parent right - even though I try to NOT probe for all the details when he says that he's living at a different address (didn't pay rent? damage to the house? selling drugs? ) it is extremely tough wondering what's going on with him but I try and not get caught up in the drama - I remind myself constantly that it's his life and his choices - it still troubles me greatly, and I find myself praying constantly and when I'm alone, I'm often on the verge of tears - the worst is when there's some kind of tragedy (daily it seems) and then there's no contact with him for a few days - before he was born when I was thinking what it'd be like to be a parent, I never thought I'd be texting my son and asking "Please let me know if you're still alive" - and then waiting to hear back.
Melly you are a good heart....really you are....I would love for you to post us about your starting anew with daughter in tow and while you work your program and take care of and discover YOU...HP MUST have a great guy out there for you who will BE for you...Healthy...loving...supportive...fun to hang out with....doing his life in a healthy way as you do yours, but you got each other's backs.....that is my wish for you....gonna put this on your thread so you see it.........you really are a sweet soul
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too have texted just to ask if he's still alive. When their deep in their addiction you don't know if they are dead or alive. You only know went the crisis happens and they need help. For us to keep putting our lives on the line for them is crazy and it has to stop. We have to change for good...period. I know myself I do this...I don't completely let go. I keep that little piece hidden inside of me to be there just in case. When will I truly Let go Let God is the question.
Keep coming back Texas because this is a great place with great people to help. The ESH and knowing your not alone keeps you sane.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My son lost a lot of weight. I found out he did have money for drugs...but not food. He kept choosing drugs over food. I did, from time to time get him a meal. Right or wrong.
But I did have to remind myself....he always had the drugs....if he could figure that out (with no job, no car, no cell phone and no money) then he could, when ready, figure out how to take care of himself.
I also will tell myself 'what if I died...then what would he do?' He would be older and still not capable of basic self care. That helped me to let go as well. I want him to be able to thrive and survive without me.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Argh .. Mobil phone! Elsa C in Laguna beach .. she is someone who started alanon on the west coast and her husband's name is Charlie. She really made me think of all of the parents out there! Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all for your ESH, it helps so much. I have to work more on faith and lettting go of all this junk in my head before it gets so out of hand I'm overwhelmed all the time. I do this from time to time but it can go away just by asking I'm sure. It's up to me to ask and then receive.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
