The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems like there's always one slogan or tool that makes itself available when things are getting rough. Sometimes it just takes a while for me to see it.
Since our "wonderful chat", ABF has been awful. No surprise there; he was on a high at the time full of big plans and pipe dreams and beer. Then reality and the fact that he's completely broke set in. That and, it seems the letter he took to work did the job because he starts back at work again tomorrow. But he has missed almost 3 weeks and won't be paid for any of it, so I kind of get why he's in a bad mood but as usual, it's all directed at me.You know, starting fights constantly and then getting enraged within seconds, storming off and telling me "all you want to do is fight" while I'm still standing there gaping like a goldfish saying "huh?" and coming up to me once a day, asking if we can "start again" and then picking a fight 5 minutes later; it's all of his greatest hits rolled into one. And it has been making me feel sad, and mostly angry with myself because I've been getting very upset by it. Yesterday I kicked his door and cried for maybe 2 hours after he yet again acted "nice" and then baited me into a fight with a million bizarre untruths and then barricaded himself into his room before I could make sense of any of it...well, you all know how crazy it gets. There is no way to win and no way to make sense of it. I am scapegoat, hear me bleat.
I've tried and tried and tried to be still and calm and "connect" with HP but nothing has been forthcoming. Every time I sleep I wake up screaming (nightmares) and I'm not sure why because life really hasn't been that bad; ABF is being a pain in the A but aside from that, things are good. The dreams are kind of funny actually, in most of them I start a new job and the people I am working with suddenly turn into monsters and attack me. Clearly I have some anxiety about getting out into the working world again, LOL! Pretty silly really.
So I was reading on here trying to find something, anything that would "ding" for me and I found it; one of the old trusty faves...."keep your side of the street clean". And it dinged for me; that's the one- because I need to not react or cry or get angry, and I don't need to do it because it will make HIM react differently (which is the way my brain had slipped back into working). I need to do it because my side of the street is where I live, and I don't want it to suck! So, smile and nod and do what I need to do for me...
Simple, really.
Oh and on Friday night I treated myself; after I dropped my daughter to her fathers I stayed in the city and went to see my brother's band play. I got all dressed up and I was feeling great listening to the music and thinking I looked pretty hot and one of his friends asked me if I was my brother's mum. Well the guy was drunk and it was dark and the notion is absurd; I'm only 10 years older than my baby brother but it really got to me and I was on a downer about it for the rest of the night and all of the next day. I even cried when I realised I had forgotten to charge my phone. Way to be over-sensitive, Mel! I really need to pull myself together.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Sunday 8th of December 2013 11:24:37 AM
((((((Hugs))))))) Melly.
I like that you are doing it for you and I like that you know that you looked hot and you got out there to listen to the music. Long time since I've done that!
Thanks guys
I really need to bring myself back to a good place where I am focused on me. There are so many good things for me to involve myself in right now...my daughter's "end of year" party, getting the yard looking beautiful so that we can enjoy bbq's once more, the fact that summer is here and it's time to start having after-school walks to the beach again, getting back into study, finding work, losing some weight so that I don't look like a whale on that beach, lol. Life is not perfect but there are so many good things for me to focus on and somehow I've slipped into the trap of letting it be all about the A again....I need to really give myself a good shake and step back out of the bubble.
It's one day good one day bad the way I see it. I had a great time yesterday and today I'm down again because of the A in my life. As we learn its like a job to not focus on the A all the time and to just take care of us somehow someway.
You are doing a good job so continue with the program and my thinking it will get better one day at a time.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
The person was drunk when they made the comment, today I never listen to anything someone says while drunk its normally garbage.
You were sober and felt hot, bet that was really the truth. Today the most important thing to me is what I think feel about myself, what others think is none of my business.
Self love and appreciation is my goal.
Alcoholism robbed my self worth self esteem now it is comming back will not let anyone take it away again.
Al anon has taught me how specail I am there is not another me in the whole world hugs
First Things First - I have heard it said - Be Honest With yourself, - get out of your head - You can Feel Good -About Saying "No" - Keep Coming Back to - Talk And Grow - Easy Does It - sounds real nice - If you Keep It Simple - you don't roll the dice - Live And Let Live - Brings it back to you - They're in recovery, - you are, too - What's to Be will Be - So, Let Go & Let God - Just wait and see - That one Day At A Time - Is more than a phrase - In Al-Anon, - it's the phrase that pays - Think! Listen And Learn - or watch bridges burn - Keep An Open Mind, - Now it's your turn - Is your serenity worth it - Just, Fake It 'Till You Make It! - I am pretty sure, You can - Cause, How - important is it? - In time, you will understand - It's true, we're all different, - But, together we can make it - If you feel that you can't, - Then, once again, fake it - When you let it begin with me - The fog will raise, - the sun will shine - Your eyes will see - Slogans are there - For you to use - Say one every day - So you don't sing the blues - It works when you work it - We say and it's true - We're all here to help - But your recovery is up to you.
Aiming for serenity is good, no matter how challenging. But I just wanted to mention something you said: "Every time I sleep I wake up screaming (nightmares) and I'm not sure why because life really hasn't been that bad..." I get what you mean, which is that "life hasn't been worse than usual." But we shouldn't underestimate the chaos, grief, and pain of living with an A. No matter how developed our powers of serenity, it's never like living with a healthy person. I know in the thick of things I tended to lose sight of what was normal. It's easiest to see with other people. They say, "My AH did this and that and then he came home and this happened, and he..." And you think "OMG, I can't believe she went through that! That's insane! He's completely out of his mind! Those conditions are crazy!" And at the same time I'd be thinking that, I'd be putting up with things that had become completely normal to me. I'd say something like, "He was drunk so he was trying to piss in the sink but he couldn't find it and he pissed all over the fridge, then he passed out on the floor and I couldn't get the fridge open, and I've just been so cranky today, I got really peeved about it, I should know better." And my friend would be standing there with her eyes bugging out of her head and and her hair standing on end at the craziness and how I had absorbed the craziness as "Business as Usual."
So I just want to stand up for the fact that it's all craziness and not business as usual. Everyone who lives with an A lives in an insane asylum. So it's no wonder you have screaming nightmares. Your subconscious still knows what's normal and what's stressful.
Trampolines are good places to jump off some of the negativity when ABF is on a downward spiral. Suggested meditation and jumping routine:
Jump: I'm beautiful. Jump: I'm courageous. Jump: I'm smart. Jump: I've got good knees. Jump, Jump, Jump: I'm getting faster and jumping higher. Jump, jump jump, jump jump jump, high, high jump: I'm creating a dance routine. Jump: Life is good. Jump: I am powerless over other people, places, things! Jump: Wow! Am I athletic! I think I'll try jumping, dropping, rolling, rolling, back to the knees, hands down, feet and ankles up, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!!!. I'm a gymnast now! Look at me!!!! Boy! Have I made progress one jump, one step, one routine at a time.
My remedy for us,Cathy, is just the drop and roll, roll, roll, roll, stop, pant, pant, pant, roll, roll, roll - while singing "Left a good job in the city....night and day...uhm, uhm, big wheels keep on turnin', hum, hum, hum, and I'm rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river," sky stare, pant, pant, pant, roll, roll, roll, sky stare, left leg up, right leg up, repeat. (Grin)
((((Melly)))) one of the slogans I used to help me grow and change was "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". Fear is what kept me anchored in "If nothing changes...nothing changes". Rooting for you. Really. ((((hugs))))
Hey I was accused of being older than I was because I talked more intelligently - being thought of as older doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Melly: When my son lived with me the last time, I had horrible dreams. Clarissa Pinkola Estes refers to them as "Dark Man Dreams," in her book, "Women Who Run with the Wolves." When he no longer lived with me, I no longer had the dreams.
