The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't remember how to use my Alanon tools. I know it sounds insane but since this happened with my son I cant seem to get myself back on track. I feel like Im losing it all over again. I am finding it hard to work on myself I want to block it out rather than work on recovery. I am not taking care of myself, Im losing control of my life again. I am accepting unacceptable behaviour again, my son is back living with me and he senses that due to his injuries he is safe to start with his verbal abuse and trying to take my power, it feels like he is working on wearing me down, although this could be all in my head. I am reacting to his words, I cant remember how to not react. Im feeling a bit pathetic again. I have been slipping for a while now, the first signs are isolation. I have been coming home from work and heading straight to bed. Not good, cant seem to work it out lately.x
Whatcha mean ya forgot how to do it? You just did a marvelous Step One! *high five*
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time though.
Sometimes the slogans are just so perfect aren't they?
Take it easy.
First things first.
The Serenity Prayer.
F2F meetings.
You know what to do. :)
Love & Light!
~CDK
Since he is living with you again your going to have to find a good boundary for his verbal abuse. He can't treat you like that and it needs to stop. Sit him down and say you will not take it and stop NOW. Your under my roof so HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR ME PERIOD; Tell him to isolate HIMSELF and stay away from you because you will NOT listen to it anymore. Don't argue with him even once. Don't say a word except to say get away from me and stop your abuse NOW. Don't go to his side of the street and let him abuse you.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi I like to listen to music when I get a bit crazy and here is one of my favorite songs. Hang in there and keep goin!!! This is Rodney Atkins (country music) GOING THROUGH HELL.......
Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do
You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'
But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'
[Chorus]
If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
__________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I can easily understand how this can happen.
My A daughter doesm
Nt live with my. My boundary to protect myselfnfrom engaging with her when she is drunk is that I turn off my phone ringers after a certain time at night. Then my son was travelling back home, to arrive late, so I turned ringers back on (and forgot to turn back off).
So 2 nights ago, themphone wakes me at 11 30 pm and I hear my AD leaving long message.....which I can hardly hear as phone in other room, but it goes on so long, and I hear her saying her thumbnail tore off and pain going all the way up arm etc etc. (so the mom wanting to help hurt child kicks in).
At first I tell myself not to call back, but then I give in and call. She is drunk (of course). Apparently during the night she takes pain medicines and who knows what else because by morning it goes from texts, to phone calls where she is making no sense and I fall back into old pre-alanon patterns of trying to gently offer suggestions.....which turns her wrath upon me.....im sure you know how this one goes.
But, finally I realize , not my daughter, is doing the talking. I disengage, let her know I will not be spoken to rudely (she tries a flurry of more "attack texts" and repeatedly calling my phone which I dont answer).
About 10 hours later, she is sober and texts an apology and we move on.
We're part of your tools, el cee. If your son is like mine, any engaging with him at all just ups the ante for his disease. That's why I don't allow him to live with me. I refuse to allow his disease to disrupt my life under my roof. Those were personal boundaries I arrived at when employing Step 11. When I didn't know what to do, HP did. Knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry out is always my go to Step when I'm not certain of what I need to do to restore order and peace in my mind, heart and external circumstances. Maybe that Step will help you, too?
Hello el-cee,
I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it at the moment - verbal abuse is not ok. Full stop.
I have recently put a picture of my 7 year old self on my desk to remind me who it is I am looking after these days. I tell the girl in the picture that I love her and that I will not let anyone hurt her.
I kind of understand that desire to block out the things that help us - but we DO deserve better and we DO deserve respect. If you really need to retreat to the bedroom is there something lovely you can take in there with you (Liam N springs to mind ) so it feels like a refuge rather than a retreat? Somewhere where you can recharge your batteries and emerge with your chin held high?
Sending (((((hugs))))))
The tools are imbedded in your soul....once we know we cannot unknow. That is the good news. Maybe the retreating to your room is survival and the hard choice to make is whether or not you want to take up permanent residence in your room versus removing the irritant so you can be free in the rest of your home. I wish you the best, ell-cee.
The tools are imbedded in your soul....once we know we cannot unknow. That is the good news. Maybe the retreating to your room is survival and the hard choice to make is whether or not you want to take up permanent residence in your room versus removing the irritant so you can be free in the rest of your home. I wish you the best, ell-cee.
agree....when it is MY home we live by MY rules or they leave.....i would set some clear boundaries and tell him....this is my house...I will call cops an have you removed if u get abusive, or words to that affect.....NOBODY chases me out of rooms in my OWN house....they behave or they go.....programme has really shown me how to set and defend my boundaries....i just DONT live w/abuse/ using/ drinking of any kind......i may have A wine cooler then that is it...no desire to get even high.....no illegal substances are here.....nothing my doctor did not put me on....i just don't allow it AND i will never ever allow abuse
how many people have i "tossed" over abusive, aggressive or drinking behaviour.......i paid for this place, i pay the bills, i support me......nobody abuses me or they go......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
One more slogan comes to mind as I think about my own experience in relationship to the disease in my son that I want to share with you: I didn't cause his disease or his behaviors. I can't control his disease or its behaviors. I can't cure his disease or its behaviors.
I learned that I could create my own boundaries in relationship to this disease. I could control my own reactions to it. I could continue to place my will and my life in the care of my HP as I understood my HP and I could seek that HP's will for my life and the power to carry it out if I chose to do so.
I also learned that it was not my HP's will for me to be terrorized by a grown man's refusal to seek help for his disease and its behaviors. I could love my son and still refuse to tolerate the inappropriate and intolerable behaviors that he practiced in my home or around me. I couldn't change him but I could change my exposure to his disease.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of December 2013 10:50:27 AM
thought i might share some of my al anon tools that I pick up when the disease is on the attack, as they say it works if you work it but we have to do something take some actions.
I take my al anon medicine everyday and when I dont I get sick. The sicker I get the more confused I get but the tools are always there and when I use them I get better.
Pray and meditate on the steps and slogans.
Meetings, telephone, sponsor, this website and others, conventions (break the isolation, stop sitting with my stinking thinking)
read, read, read.
service i got better when i got busy and took my focus of my A.
Looks like you have started by reaching out here hugs tracy xxxxx
I come here to for comfort and ESH we need. Not to be judged because everyone here knows the score and most have been through all things that happen to us and everyone here. Without Al-anon could you even thing about what it would be like for us. I don't know about you but I'm weak and have to have people around me to keep me strong...if not I will fail myself. I have to work harder each and every day just to make it to the next sometimes.
We must continue to strive for happiness because if we don't.....we will go down with the ship.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Just hit a Friends and Family Big Book Step meetin last night. This is a group of Alanons who've all done the work in AA's Big Book. We read "More About Alcoholism" last night (Step 1 Part 2 - our lives had become unmanageable) then went around the room and shared.
that chapter gives examples of the thinking that precedes the first drink for the alcoholic - but our disease is the same, it's just about people instead. What kind of thinking dominates an Alanon who forgets time and time again the misery and pain of the past? we forget how badly mangled we were - or maybe we remember it but we cannot - I repeat, CANNOT stop on our own will power - or knowledge.
only a conscious, active relationship with a Higher Power can stop us (or the alcoholic) from repeating our insanity.
it takes a lot of courage to do the right thing - and that courage can only come from God. The only way I've ever been able to find a relationship with God that I could feel - that would keep my thinking sane - is by doing the work in that book.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 9th of December 2013 07:32:27 AM
Elcee, if your son has enough energy to verbally abuse you, then he has enough energy to get up get out of the house and find a job to support himself....put up your boundaries please. og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
) so it feels like a refuge rather than a retreat? Somewhere where you can recharge your batteries and emerge with your chin held high?
. That is the good news. Maybe the retreating to your room is survival and the hard choice to make is whether or not you want to take up permanent residence in your room versus removing the irritant so you can be free in the rest of your home. I wish you the best, ell-cee.