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I have been away some time, ... the merry-go-round got me ...totally this time.
I had become pregnant with my ex A. we have been through the 'honeymoon phase' after a violent episode. I feel like a fool coming to write here now, when I should have known better, already before. I wrote here about the violent episode i guess and I was set up to leave definitely. But i foolishly did not, call me crazy.
so, pregnant! from my view a chance of a possibility to have a more settled life, peaceful... after all we were in honeymoon phase. God I feel so naive and stupid today. yes, I was happy....for a moment! I had always had the wish for a family one day... and I'm 36 years old, so I thought, we will manage somehow.
A's reaction was quite different: panic, anger, and after 15 minutes shock, going through my phone and facebook, accusing me of 2 affairs I apparently had, because he 'found evidence' in my chat history. well I can honestly say, this is not true. never has been. I'm not that kind of woman, especially I have been dearly in love with A all along. he made it all up in his head, said he had been set up and immediately asked for an abortion. we later on went to the hospital to confirm the test... he still firmly on abortion side. we had a physical fight also, in the stress. it was so much drama. he started drinking that night...wasn't able to reach him anymore.
after another day passed we managed to sit down and talk quietly... he still begged me again and again for an abortion, he said it was not the right time for him, he had no money, no fix job. I said of course i would consider it, but i aslo said i would have to think about it for my own sake too.
then he disappeared a couple of days, then he wrote me horrible messages, not even trying hard to see me to discuss things over. during all that time, me and that little things lived along the day, trying to get a feeling for each other. intense days, long days, lonely days, terrified days. my doctor said: lady, think of it as becoming a single mother, if you decide to have it.' terrified!
then one day later i get a message from him saying: i'm not feeling well, i think i have a fever' ....????????? excuse me!? i just said, you will be fine, i was to busy sorting this situation out somehow. Had lots of talks with family and friends over the phone...i'm still sitting in a far away country, mostly by myself.
thinking: the hitting, the drinking, the calling names, the setting up for drama....it was all back , after one sentence 'i am pregnant'.......
i felt distress, panic, loneliness, couldn't feel the anger yet....but damn he left me completely alone in this. so i texted him saying that i might want to keep the baby. he just replies: ok , good for you, but i will move on with my own life now, you will be fine!
only to call me one week later, asking me first thing: did you have the abortion. by that time I had already been to the ultrasound, heard the new heartbeat, and saw the picture, small as a lentil of course. Stressful times also going through this all by myself. but i knew i couldn't count on him.
I had the longest week of my life, knowing that i had to decide fast, not wanting to get used to the feeling , attached emotionally, not being able to decide rationally for the future of an unborn child..... abortion has also always been against my moral believes...
but in these circumstances, also by the date of the baby's delivery i will not have a job anymore, i will have left this country, and I will have to settle somewhere new....it was out of question to stay in this country where women are merely servants. sorry to say.
so i took my decision, father non-acceptant or non-existant, and if, he would depend on me as much or even more than the baby would., plus alcoholism, plus his bad wrong assumptions...i didn't want to live like that, no way i could have held up to him for a 'lifetime'...i aborted. that was the toughest decision i have ever made in my life....even if i try to write it down here in just a few lines.
since the day i had the abortion, he has not spoken one word, not shown up, not called, nothing. Just to let me know that h is now taking dancing classes with his ex.... a thing that we had planned together before we knew about the pregnancy. so I am still sitting here bleeding, while he is out there going on with his fun life.
and the cherry on the cake: he now says I have been selfish having that abortion, he calls me a baby killer, accuses me of not having discussed with him further options, of not having taken care of him during that difficult time, accusing me of discussing the matter with my friends and family, while he is all alone, not having anybody to talk to...and in the end of it he says: i wanted that baby!!!!!!!!
Folks, I know many people out there are against abortion and judging harshly, i don't want to discuss the fundamental matter here, it's simply a case to case thing...and each life is different.
all i can say is yes, i want babies, and yes, I loved an A, and No, I am not completely innocent in this since there is always two making love, right!
I am just putting my story out there, because some other women might be in a relationship with an A, experiencing or going to experience similar treatment....so i feel like sharing, and because I am in high stress right now, between anxiety, guilt, depression..... and I have the feeling I took the right decision. That is not the doubt....I am troubled by the A's actions and reactions.....they are insane, inhuman, cold-blooded.
he also now says that he read everything about abortion now, because one week ago he didn't know anything. and now he tells me what I'm feeling , or am supposed to feel....he now thinks he is my counselor, that i need him in this, that i am depressed. HE IS PUTTING ME DOWN DOWN DOWN..on every occasion....and it seems this makes him actually stronger.... the most guilt i feel from letting him into my life again, I'm unteachable.....i have ignored all the signs.....I feel like I just got what i deserved. i let me treat lik *****, so of course he will treat me like s**!
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 8th of December 2013 08:51:06 AM
I am very sorry you are going through this! I am not for abortion in any way, but I do not judge you in any way either, it is your body and in this life of our's we get choices in every aspect of our lives to choose who, where, when and how. Obviously you felt he was not going to be there for you and a baby and now you are seeing he is not going to be there to support you afterward. When I was pregnant with my 15 year old, I was 19 years old, my exAH was 23, he flipped out every weekend after hearing the news, he broke up with me on so many occasions telling me not to tell him the sex or what I would have named it. They are crazy makers for sure. I am so sorry about the trauma of it, and that he is attacking you after the fact, it is sad that this is what they do. I just pray that in this loss you are able to get yourself up and stronger after this, to give this situation meaning, when you are done grieving, I pray for you much better things to come! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Tortuga, (((((((hugs)))))))),
What a hugely difficult and lonely time you've through, I'm so sorry. You have been very very brave, and you certainly do not need to worry about anyone else at the moment.
I'm pleased you came back to these boards, and I'm sending you prayers and all the positive vibes I can, wrapping you up in a protective hug. Take good care of you my dear.
All I can say is Meetings, Meetings, Meetings. The answers for our lives lie within
Amen....amen...and another AMEN......MEETINGS.......
I only support abortion in cases of rape and incest.l..but ya know??? bringing up a child in such an environment would have been disastrous...I am not here to judge.....I know my niece was with an A who treated her the same way...she wanted babies and chose having her son, by herself, rather than staying with an A who was not in recovery, not wanting recovery....to her having her child was more desirable then staying w/a selfish, abusive alcoholic who had nothing to offer her but more misery.....so she walked...her son is 10, now and what a cutie....my niece has her family to some degree and the friends she made at her alanon meets for support and is real glad she made that choice in her life to re-claim her life and what SHE needed to take care of her........yea, being a single mom has been a challenge for her, but she is happy...she is a mom....AND she has a boyfriend, but is in no hurry to hook up w/another man at this juncture in her life...so she works her job as salesman and dates...but her boy is her world......sometimes we have to make some rough choices...sometimes it is worth it...sometimes we regret those choices...that is why program and meetings and steps are essential for us to even know what is going to give us the most fulfillment
HP wants us to do what is inside our hoola hoop....HP is not going to "do our lives" for us, what is our job is our responsibility....HP is only there for the outcome or when we are really powerless.....i am again, studying the steps 1,2,3 because i know...a better life is WITHIN me I must reach out for that better life w/my inner HP guiding my steps, but i must be working hard on me and open for that guidance.....
this guy abused you, then rejected you and came against you....I wold drag myself into daily meetings and daily work on the steps to find out WHY I am wasting my days with someone who obviously will never meet any of my most basic needs.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Its nice to hear from you again. Im sorry you are having such a hard time. I dont think its important whether people are for or against abortions. I think you need support and we are here for that. You made the best decision that you could at the time, thats all that matters. You are still caught up in the insanity that alcoholism brings and the only thing that has helped me is this program so I would repeat Hotrod, go to meetings, read your literature and post on here. Take care.x
THERE ARE NO MEETINGS AVAILABLE TO ME IN THIS PLACE.....only MIP... so please folks....there are other places in the US, where all is well set up , where Al Anon is existing...it doesn't in this place...nor does it in many other places...there is the internet only...at times!
and yes, this is not a discussion of for or against...i have been against always, until i have been in my situation.... so go figure my guilt.... i don't want to hear about the possibilities.....I am dealing with an A....and it's my own fault..... ....
I'm sorry for all the sorrow you're experiencing at this time. Like was already suggested Alanon meetings can be of help right now for dealing with the effects of alcoholism. I would also like to gently suggest finding an in person sponsor in our program who you can confide in.
I have found that having a non judgemental female sponsor to confide in, guide me through the Alanon steps, listen and not give advice to me especially as a newcomer to this program helped me to grow both personally and spiritually.
In Alanon we place principles above personalities and avoid controversy about outside matters. I wish you continued unconditional love from our MIP family/fellowship.
You're in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am so sorry you have experienced all this turmoil and pain. Please, if you are tempted to beat yourself up in the future, remember how hard the situation was.
Your A, sadly, is behaving as A's do -- chaotically, with blame for the rest of the world. You did X, he says X is wrong. You did Y, he says Y is wrong and X was right. In one sense, this is insane. In another sense, it is daily life for an alcoholic. And they suck us into the insanity too if we don't get ourselves out of the way of the tornado.
The truth is that you were in an impossible situation. There were no answers that could make everything come out rosy and make you and the A a harmonious couple. There were no answers that could make him sane.
I hope you can get to lots of meetings here at MIP? You need all the support you can get to cope with your A's insane behavior, and to detach and move ahead with your own serenity, whatever he does. {{{Hugs}}}
Tortuga, I'm so very sorry for your pain and loss. Sending you love and support .. that keen alcoholic mind is a mind from another world. Do not try and rationalize the logic there is none. Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
On-line meetings with MIP, T. Can you make one? There here for you twice a day if you want to help yourself according to Al-Anon principles. You can also download and print some of the free literature that is given out at meetings at Al-Anon's WSO website. I don't know if you have any of Al-Anon's readers? You can order those on-line and have them mailed to you, too, if you have postal service where you are? I can't imagine a place where there isn't postal service, but if that isn't available to you, maybe an on-line reader is available? Al-Anon is a spiritual program with solutions that work if we work the program. My own experience was that I just kept spinning my wheels when I kept doing things according to what I knew. My life got increasingly more difficult. Keeping an open mind and doing what I could by walking through doors that opened to me helped me help myself in ways that worked. I hope you will take advantage of the on-line meetings here and Al-Anon literature available at the website for Al-Anon's World Service Office.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of December 2013 07:43:59 PM
If there was a way, I would take you by the shoulders, and I would look you straight in the eye, and tell you "you will be okay" -- mostly because, what choice do you have?
For some reason, pain and loss come with the chaos of living with an A. My exA went golfing on the day I miscarried.
You, my dear woman, are doing the best you can with the cards you are dealt. You're working on digging yourself out of a hole...it takes time..and patience...and tenacity...but you CAN and WILL be okay...just one step at a time.
i don't want to hear about the possibilitiesWhat would you like to hear?
-- Edited by PP on Saturday 7th of December 2013 01:03:34 PM
-- Edited by PP on Saturday 7th of December 2013 01:04:03 PM
agree with Paula and El-cee...........on line meetings are aplenty,..I have NO meets where I am, so i go online..talk to my sponsor, talk w/my recovery friends... just got of phone w/sponsor checking in and giving progress report on my step 2 work....doing a step a week......there are meets here and in other sites....every day, and this one site i know has a "friends and family" chat room open 24 hrs. a day, I think.......I tell my kids that life is a choice away......NO judgement was intended and yes, we all need support, but the bottom line is, we gotta help creator help ourselves.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
On-line meetings with MIP, T. Can you make one? There here for you twice a day if you want to help yourself according to Al-Anon principles. You can also download and print some of the free literature that is given out at meetings at Al-Anon's WSO website. I don't know if you have any of Al-Anon's readers? You can order those on-line and have them mailed to you, too, if you have postal service where you are? I can't imagine a place where there isn't postal service, but if that isn't available to you, maybe an on-line reader is available? Al-Anon is a spiritual program with solutions that work if we work the program. I hope you will take advantage of the on-line meetings here and Al-Anon literature available at the website for Al-Anon's World Service Office.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of December 2013 07:43:59 PM
I think hazeldon.org has literature that is either free or low cost that offers help for the families of A's and N's or anyone addicted.......I didn't improve my life until i worked the beejeebers out of the program and committed to ME.....alanon is a "save your own butt" program...it is a "self preservation 101" programme.....i can buy a cookbook and still starve to death if i don't practice what i read in that book.......like grateful says, I hope, too, that u take advantage of the on-line meets and glom onto as much literature as you can and read it...meditate on it and practice it....most of my steps workbooks, i got on line and for FREE...i shared them w/my daughter who is working programme....the stuff is out there......one just has to reach out for it.....i have an immense library of stuff, steps, slogans, alanon and acoa and coda stuff that i just surfed the web and found and it cost me nothing by my time and desire to help ME.......Take care
-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 7th of December 2013 08:41:27 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am SO sorry for your loss. Tough decisions and we can only do the best that we can. Sending prayers that you find peace within yourself. I am not judging you...wouldn't dream of it... I have lived in the craziness. Come here often...we are here for you.
I love you, Tortuga. You are not unteachable. You did your best in an insane and difficult situation. Please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would someone who is so precious, because you are. You have a right to feel however you feel. You are very brave.
and yes, this is not a discussion of for or against...i have been against always, until i have been in my situation.... so go figure my guilt.... i don't want to hear about the possibilities.....I am dealing with an A....and it's my own fault.....
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Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.... It is not your own fault. You made a choice and I fully support your choice. Yes, you will feel guilty. I feel bad for you because you had to make the choice you had to make. You will go to meetings to work with your guilt..... and lessen it.
My sis was always very vocal and religious about her objection to abortion.... until she was in her 50's and thought she was pregnant and had decided that abortion really was a personal and individual choice that was right for her.
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but in these circumstances, also by the date of the baby's delivery i will not have a job anymore, i will have left this country, and I will have to settle somewhere new....it was out of question to stay in this country where women are merely servants. sorry to say.
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Look to your future. You will have to leave and settle somewhere else. I hope the A doesn't have to leave with you. You are worth so much more. Everything you have written about his part of this adventure is so typical of alcoholism. Even the part of his "getting a fever". I had to laugh, it is so typical.
Go to meetings on the web and work through all the emotions that you have. All of the answers are in the steps. You are worth it!!
I am troubled by the A's actions and reactions.....they are insane, inhuman, cold-blooded.
This statement (which many have known to be true) is what lead others to gently urge you to meetings.
I look forward to seeing you in the MIP meetings. There is no problem that can't be helped when we are willing to listen and learn, keep an open mind be willing to seek the help you deserve...YOU are worth it.
You are going to be OK....I was when I went through it at 43 years old. Was a tough time in my life. Your situation is much worse than mine was but you can still pull through it. That's all I can tell myself every single day and work to make is better.
Peggy is right.......there is no problem that can't be helped. Thank yo Peggy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
The disease of alcoholism is cold and heartless and wants it's victims dead. It will destroy anything in it's path - and it could and would destroy the child too. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I love my life today, the 1st 32 sucked!!!!!!!!! This is a disease with the fact that alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer I hope you can put you first now and heal from the affects.
-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 01:26:27 PM
