I am still here, although I am pretty messed up. The more you help me the lower my bottom has too be. I am smart, but effected by this disease, I feel like I am in hell when I try to come back to life. My brain has been altered so much that it doesn't function very good anymore. My body is so addicted that all it does is crave anything that will calm it down. I need you to stay strong and be there for me when I am sick and tired and want to change my life. Don't worry about me, just keep getting better, because I know my behavior has affected you, and I know you love me. I love you, but please stop trying to fix me. It is only sending me the message that I am broken. Sometimes I want to get well but drinking and drugs has a hold on me. I will use any excuse as a reason to drink or drug and that includes me feeling like crap about myself for all I've put you through and when you still do things for me that I can do for myself.  Sometimes I have drank or used knowing you'd probably wind up helping me put the pieces of my life back together. As long as you do things for me, that horrible fear remains in the background and I don't have to deal with it. I've let my addiction turn me into a horrible person.  It's bad enough my addiction is doing this to my life. Don't give up yours for my addiction.  It just makes this situation a worse tragedy.  I love you mom.