The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came across an account of what it's like to be addicted, written by a doctor who is/was addicted to morphine. I always couldn't help but wonder, "Why does the A not think of his impact on us? Doesn't he see what's going on? Why does he lie like that? Does he even know he's lying?" This piece gives me some more understanding of the mindset. I'll paste in a relevant part for those who don't want to go through the whole thing.
"I remember walks and family picnics, birthdays, holidays, Christmas. The memories seem to come from a far distance, a long-lost place. Ive sent this happiness, this contentment, away from me. The normal world is a rainbow of colours, mine is dull and grey. Why cant I be like that still, how did I lose it? Its a selfish ordeal, Im drowning, too immersed in my own misery to think about the people I am hurting, my wife, my children. A devil in the house, my wife calls it, no matter how many times she tries to push it out it keeps on getting back in again. The drug has come between us, has ruptured that bond, that presumption that we were a couple and a family, that we would meet everything together and handle it together. I have betrayed the trust, I have promised her again and again that I would stop, that no, Im not acting strangely and no, I havent used and no, theres nothing wrong with my voice, and yes, Im clean, that this was definitely the last time, but Im like all addicts; you know Im lying because my lips are moving.
"And I get angry when my lies are challenged, when she asks about a blood-stained tissue, or wants to see my arms to check for bruises, or finds a stray needle or empty ampoule. I make up some story, try to explain it away, I had a blood test today, or I banged my arm on the car door, the ampoule must have been there from a few months ago, it sounds stupid even as Im saying it, but its all Ive got. What about the kids, she asks, supposing Jack or Katie had hurt themselves on that needle, how would you feel, do you not consider them? I have no answer, I think I care, but the drug comes first every time."
This puts a different light on my attempts to "understand" the A into stopping, or trying to "face it together," or explain to him. It seems like they're in a bubble where we can see them but they can hardly see us. It was somehow a little comforting that despite all his denials to his family, the man who wrote the article was continually racked by horror at what he was doing.
It's funny, Mattie, but when AH and I were in counseling the other day I realized that he just didn't get it. I'm guessing he just doesn't have the capacity to 'get it', so the question is, "Can I continue to live like this, with someone who will possibly never 'get it'?" I have to remember, as you said above, that our attempts to get the A to see it or face it, are wasted breath. My AH also said recently that he had been living in a fog for the past few years, unfortunately, I still see that same fog around him. I'm not sure it was comforting to me, LOL, but that's probably because I'm still dealing with the insanity of the disease every day, UGH!
Thank you for the article...it gives me more knowledge and understanding as to how I need to keep taking care of me and not try to get through to the A in my life. It's mind blowing sometimes....wow
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aloha all...this is a good post. Anything that improves on the education and awareness of this disease is very supportive "if I keep and open mind and am willing to learn beyond my natural ignorance". Alcohol and Drugs are mind and mood alterningchemicals. They/we become different than who we are, who we are expected to be. We come to know that we are altered and attempt to "act as if" nothing is different, nothing is wrong with us, everything is as the picture once said it was before the picture was altered. We are dealing with altered reality. The last word of the second step about being led by a Power much greater than ourselves is...sanity.Coming to accept the altering natural of alcohol and drugs was my first "Aha"!! I had been born, raised and lived in an altered state, in another world which wasn't real-ity. I needed to come out of that and into the world where things were right...orderly...proper. When I came thru the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups I entered that world. I've rarely left it. I went to college to understand chemical altering and chemical addiction and now I know and know that I know. I'm awake.
Did you know that the blood cells of the alcoholic are even different that the non-alcoholic in shape and outside wall thickness? Did you know that alcohol doesn't have to go to the stomach to get to the brain? It by passes all that and can penetrate the blood-brain barrier from the mouth. Not many chemicals can do that and the blood-brain barrier is a protective system that alcohol can bypass. Cunning Powerful Baffling. There's lots more to know...Alcohol isn't milk or koolaid.
Very good story. Made me very sad, but then I already know how lost an addict becomes. I did like "you know Im lying because my lips are moving". Need to remember that, each and every time I speak to my son.
Thank you Mattie! Good information. I spent a long time stuck in anger that my A didn't and does not see how this has affected me and our daughter. I now know that the disease is too strong and I'm not to go to a hardware store for bread. It's like two insulated wires intertwined- both functioning but not able to directly interact through the insulation. Thank you for sharing.
This puts a different light on my attempts to "understand" the A into stopping, or trying to "face it together," or explain to him. It seems like they're in a bubble where we can see them but they can hardly see us. It was somehow a little comforting that despite all his denials to his family, the man who wrote the article was continually racked by horror at what he was doing.
----------------------------
I think this is a good takeaway about this article. You can't be a "couple" in a relationship when there is addiction involved.
However, I didn't see the author as a person who was racked by horror at what he was doing. I see him as so immersed in his own misery that he has no horror at all...toward himself or anyone else. He is in a deep pit of himself and can't see out at anything.
I know I don't have a lot, or any, compassion for the sufferers. I do have loads of compassion on the ones who are suffering from being around the addiction. They are the ones who are finally surprised by where they find themselves through no action of their own except believing in someone whose "lips are moving".
-- Edited by maryjane on Monday 9th of December 2013 01:27:22 PM
i keep coming back to read this. i sent it to my A. very powerful insight. I think so many times in our anger of how we are wronged by our loved ones, we forget the guilt that they feel for wronging us, the struggle they have interanlly...al we see is their actions and choices which are so often not good.... It's not like anyone wants to let a drug come before family or a spouse. That's the nature of a drug/alcohol. Thank you for sharing.
