I Have to Stop Again - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I Have to Stop Again

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cathy, No apologies necessary...no confessional in this house. So what? You did what you did...maybe the next time you can call an al anon friend when you feel the temptation to "pick up"? If 10 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers will help, say them and ENJOY YOUR DAY my friend aww

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

I can relate to how the disease manipulates us and we end up doing things that later we questions ourselves as to why we did them.

A very wise friend of mine once told me that people know just how to push our buttons because they installed them. Your son knows just where they are and just how to push them. My "A" to this day still has a few installed. When I react to a button push I try not to beat myself up about it. I am grateful that I can see it and I thank my HP that I am able to see the button push quicker each time.

Take care of you. Be gentle with yourself. Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,

Mandy

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, don't beat yourself up, it's not worth it. Sometimes we just have to say 'it was what it was, and I did what I did, so what?'. Then move on with your day, there are more important things to attend to! Sending you lots of hugs and support today!

deacon · Senior Member

And Cathy, your child does not have to have this disease for a parent to enable them. Scads of parent out there doing stuff for their grown children what they think is helping them and instead is dong the opposite and making them more dependent. Our day is coming in the near future when we will be getting the 'call' and I already know how hard it is going to be to say no. My husband does not think I will have the strength but I know I have to work on myself so I do have the courage to do what is best for him and not easier for me. Because it breaks our hearts to see them struggling and alone and suffering. This is not what we bargained for in life but.... well it is and we have to change and adapt to it. And I guess try to make it stay their reality and not become another burden for us. But I am still working to get rid of the phrase that keeps going through my head, " This is not fair!"

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You gave him a place to spend the night after his surgery until he could return to his apartment. Later, you told him you would help him if he got his act together. He's not getting his act together. The deal's off for now. He's drunk or high. letting him know you don't want to talk with him when he's drunk or high and hanging up - honest. I don't know why you feel guilty. But, knowing how well you process things, by now you've probably even figured that one out. One day at a time. One choice at a time. The past is gone. The future is yet to be seen. I hope the rest of your day is brighter for you?

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

I beat myself all the time too. I tell him when he gets his act together I will help him....but sometimes on his way to getting his act together he genuinely needs help. Help vs enable. Tough one!
I am trying to give myself the freedom to choose my actions one at a time, and then cut myself some slack.
Cut yourself some slack.
Hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing you say to an alcoholic will matter. They will take "I will help you when you get it together" to mean "Thank God mom is still there. I can afford to drink more and she will still help me." Or..."I'm such a screw up that my own mom just pointed it out yet again" glug glug glug. You cannot win.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone. I know exactly what I did and why I did it. My mistake. I will not beat myself up anymore and it has been forgotten.

Pinkchip you are so so right....I will never ever win this battle. I will never be able to help him either because HE doesn't want it does he? GULP GULP GULP

Thank you all for the ESH.... Hugs

Rose50 · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))

As mothers it's so easy for us to fall back into the same old behavior. Don't feel guilty - I know how hard it is to let go.

(((hugs)))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy)))

Wow- they can get so good through so much practice at unloading their own misery and branding it as someone else's! This is his disease talking- not something that you need to accept or reflect on. It may be helpful for you to know your insecurity that generated the guilt so that you can lay it to rest in peace.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

cathy I don't it get what makes people think they failed!! I don't believe in failing. We may just have more to learn, or it is all part of having an A in our life that we love.

NO you are not starting over! That is like saying if you lost a race that the next one you are starting over again. there is no win or lose here.

Its our life, its life. Its like you saying you are sorry you caught a cold! things are not always in our control. so you had him over, big deal. I am sure it was nice to at least see his body, even though a disease controls it.

Please love you, please. YOu are doing fine better than fine, we just keep going on in our lives.

huggen ya, go get some coffee Hagen Das, get in your nightgown , grab a nice soft blanket and pillow, add a cat or two, put on a good movie and calgon take you away!! I love Uncle Buck, or the big Lebowski.....or somewhere in time...love,debilyn oh do not try the oreo chocolate covered coconut cookies...omgawd....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

After a meeting one night and after conversation with my sponsor and the fellowship with alot of open minded listening I arrived at the definition of "Helping vs Enabling" which is still with me. Enabling for me is when the other person has the ability, time and facility to take care of their needs and I step in and take over that enables them not to practice being responsible to themselves. Helping is (again for me) if they lack any one of the three conditions -and- I ask them if they need my help ...that is helping. The responsibility to themselves still exist when they have to answer. This is just for me and it works just for me very very well. "Allow them the dignity of their choices" was such a powerful lesson for me because I learned that by my stepping in and taking over I was being undignified. It takes a power greater than Jerry F to plan the journey. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Dear Cathy, No apologies necessary...no confessional in this house. So what? You did what you did...maybe the next time you can call an al anon friend when you feel the temptation to "pick up"? If 10 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers will help, say them and ENJOY YOUR DAY my friend

LOL...I could not have done a better reply

Its done...U did what you did.....life is all about beginning again, learning as we go, and yea, we may fall short on the same issue for a long time, but as long as we SEE and LEARN, its OK----- and as Paula said, this is not a confessional....the beauty about this program and our inner higher parent as i like to call the guiding, discerning part of me, the "parent within" me is that when my inner child grabs the controls, my higher parent can address the "why the IC was allowed to grab the controls" and learn and progress from it......

next time maybe a step 4 work w/a good recovery mate might help you understand why the difficulty in letting him learn his own lessons....Ea. time we give in, that opens the door for more usary and manipulation.....they get a "toe" in the door and they will push that envelope as far as they can....AND when we do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves, we rob them of the life lessons they need to hopefully come to surrender and accept that they are powerless and their lives are unmanageable and they need the program

so, today, we begin again....Cathy we ALL are "beginning again" in some area or another

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Cathy, you are so awesome to come here vulnerable to this loving family and trust us with your intermost fears, whenever you do this and find out you are still more than worthy of our love, you will realize yes you are still worth it and continue to work it, until you realize within yourself how strong, loved and capable you are and yes you are! And I hear in your share working it you are, no mistakes here, just more learning lessons, some of them harder than the last of course. Keep coming back, you work a good program! Sending you love and support!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy

a job for money is not going to be your son's solution.

his Job is recovery. If he goes to AA or NA and gets a sponsor and works the steps, everything else will fall in line.

The cart can't be put before the horse.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.